To want to use this name for DC2

[Ohmy88]

5 months pregnant with DC2. We know we’re having a girl & have a few names we really love. I am really set on a name I’d like to us as a middle name. DH loves it too and it goes really well with the various first names we like. It is also the name of my DH DSM who sadly passed away a few years back & who we absolutely adored.

We know FIL would be thrilled if we used the name, but my DH is (I think understandably) worried that it would upset his DM.

I’ve suggested we speak to MIL, even ask her permission, so we can rule it out/in once & for all. I can’t stop thinking about the name now we’ve discussed it! DH thinks even the conversation might upset her and that she might not even be honest about how she feels about us using it. They (MIL & FIL) did have a fairly acrimonious split - but over 30 years ago & absolutely nothing to do with DH’s wonderful DSM.

So question is, WIBU to ask MIL her thoughts on us using the name? Should I just put it to bed to keep the peace but knowing I’ll never get give our DD the middle name we really want & love?

I think it's fine to use the name you both love that is also dead step mums name. If she was called Edith you wouldn't be using it.
Might be kind to emphasise it's the name you love. Tell MIL you've already spoken to FIL to see if it would upset him and he said it's fine.
Things don't have to be 'equal'. Why are you so concerned about your MILs opinion and not your mum's? (Or your step mums?)
My daughter has 2 children. Her son has her dad's name as a middle (my ex). Her daughter has her husbands Mums name as a middle. I really don't care.
Don't 'ask' MIL, tell her. Say FIL is fine and your Mum says she understands you love the name and isn't put out. That will pave the way.
We wanna know the name!

So what’s the benefit of putting it out on an anonymous forum @MysteryBelle ?
what is there for the OP to ‘enjoy’? I’m honestly baffled.

your pov makes no sense.

What, and OPs mum too...so 3 middle names. That kinda defeats the object of choosing names you like. That's why they've picked it.

Using the name would upset your husband's mother. Don't do it. She would have a continual internal struggle to not think of the whole name. I think it would be unkind.

Your husband has already said it would upset his mum so listen to him ans leave well alone.

Given this information I'd be even more likely to think she'd be ok with it. But also, I think she wouldn't mind if you ran it past her - maybe just DH. He could say we've got a list of names and xyz is on there, but we weren't sure about using that what do you think?

Think it depends on the name to some extent. I’ve put myself in position of thinking how I’d feel if DS and partner gave a child exDH’s wife’s name. As it was a popular name 60 years ago, that definitely hasn’t come back into fashion, I’d be more upset than if it was a popular name today which you could indeed love. OTOH, it was so popular you could probably say you were naming DD after one of your own relatives. Again, if it is a name commonly used as a middle name, it should be fine. If it is a very unusual name, it would seem an obvious tribute to DSM, so I wouldn’t.

I don’t think it’s ok to ask. You’re putting here in a very awkward position where she may feel unreasonable saying no.

Im sorry OP but what an absolutely insane suggestion - naming a child after his SM when his Mum is still in the picture?? How incredibly hurtful.

Do you have to tell her? I know my mother told my fathers mother that I had her name as my middle name but I didn’t. My mother hated the name so changed it at the last minute. My grandmother never found out.

No, I wouldn’t do this.

Can you change the spelling if you are dead set on it?

I would choose a different name personally

I wouldn’t mind if my DC did this, I’d think- all that worry about how the kids would cope when we split, now looking back all those years later thank goodness it turned out as it did, with us both remarrying and my child having such a lovely bond with the a subsequent partner that they are even considering using her name as a middle name for one of their children. (If she’d been the other woman, or all this had just happened a few years ago, that may be different, but that is not the case)

Clearly I’m in the minority though, so I guess it depends on your MIL’s way of thinking. How unusual is the name OP? If it’s something like Elizabeth then you may not even need to mention it as if could just be coincidence, if it’s Aurora then it’s a bit more obvious!

There is also a difference between choosing a name because you like it and choosing it to honour someone, and I’m not sure you need to go down the route of making a big thing about honouring her, you could just say you’ve always liked the name.

The compromise is to use that name but also his DM's, so two middle names. You really can't do it otherwise. But also consider that when naming a child, names you have always loved are quickly forgotten once you name a child you love. It's probably not worth it for the years of simmering resentment it would probably cause.

Put yourself in his mums shoes. How would you answer the question?

It doesn't really matter what she says
Yes that's lovely son (but shes trying to be polite to keep the peace and son is questioning does she really mean that)

No I'd rather you didn't (makes her look like a petty jealous woman)

She cannot win, and is likely to be hurt that it was even considered. Please don't do that to her.

MIL/ Dil relationships can be full of fraction at the best of times why put this into it.

@RoseGoldEagle Yeah that's how I feel - she'll probably feel indifferent or as you say pleased DH loved his stepmum.

Honestly wouldn't occur to me to be upset about this. MN is so bloody weird about names.

Tricky - as a rule I would never use family names because I don’t see the point of honouring and there is always a risk someone gets upset about it. That having been said we realised our boy middle names were the name of DH’s grandad who wasn’t well liked, however we would still used them as by then it was the names, not him, and no one else had picked up on it.

Is it especially unusual? I think there’s possibly a difference between using something like Elizabeth or something like Fenella.

@RoseGoldEagle you've pretty much said what I was going to say.

I think it boils down to you and your husband knowing what sort of person your MIL is.
If she was very fond of his step-mum and was upset when she died then she might think it's a lovely thing to do.

If you both think that she might be put out and upset then obviously, it might be unkind to use the name.

Only you two know her, not a bunch of strangers on the internet!

I'm intrigued to know what this seemingly absolutely beautiful name is though! (And would you have thought of it if it wasn't step-mum's name?)

In reality a middle name rarely gets used apart from on official documents ,I wouldn't bother if it was going to.cause upset tbh.

The name is Rose 🌹

No, I wouldn’t even consider it unless his real mum has always been absent and his step-mum was more like his real one.

If I was asked that question, I’d say, “Name your child whatever you like.” But, tbh, I’d be hurt and I can imagine for a very long time, not just during and after the initial conversation about it. And, perhaps a little selfishly, I’d also be mortified when sharing the news with my family and friends.

There are so many beautiful names. I don’t think it’d be so bad if I ended up with several daughters and I’d already used the baby’s grandmothers’ names to honour my oldest daughters - and if your husband truly is close to his step-mum.

Even though Rose is a very common middle name I still think it’s a bit “off”.

Sorry OP. I don’t think the potential upset will be worth it. And I don’t think that your MIL should be put in the position of being consulted and having to nod and smile and say “no problem” when in reality she is rather hurt…your DH’s instincts are spot on in this case.

Don't ask. Tell.

Hi Mil, just a heads-up that were giving dd this middle name. We thought you might need some time to think about it before she arrives.

My mum would have gone mental if I'd have given her my dsm name, but presented as a fait-accomplis she doesn't get to even have the option of putting a spanner in the works.

Your child your name, don't ask anyone else.

Rose is nice but there are plenty of flower names to choose from, Daisy, Poppy, Holly, Ivy, Heather, Hyacinth, Marigold.

Don't cause a rift when you don't need to.