To want to use this name for DC2

[Ohmy88]

5 months pregnant with DC2. We know we’re having a girl & have a few names we really love. I am really set on a name I’d like to us as a middle name. DH loves it too and it goes really well with the various first names we like. It is also the name of my DH DSM who sadly passed away a few years back & who we absolutely adored.

We know FIL would be thrilled if we used the name, but my DH is (I think understandably) worried that it would upset his DM.

I’ve suggested we speak to MIL, even ask her permission, so we can rule it out/in once & for all. I can’t stop thinking about the name now we’ve discussed it! DH thinks even the conversation might upset her and that she might not even be honest about how she feels about us using it. They (MIL & FIL) did have a fairly acrimonious split - but over 30 years ago & absolutely nothing to do with DH’s wonderful DSM.

So question is, WIBU to ask MIL her thoughts on us using the name? Should I just put it to bed to keep the peace but knowing I’ll never get give our DD the middle name we really want & love?

Do you like the name or do you want to honour SMIL?
if you like the name just use it because you like it but don’t say then that it’s special for you because of SMIL.
If you want to honour SMIL it’s another story. Was she playing a particular part in your life for some reason?

I think as a middle name it’s fine, but I think you need to say ‘just so you know, although we were really fond of X it’s not after her, we just love the name’ to both your mum and dad.

I think it would be hurtful to do this, even if you ask her what she thinks it’s putting her in a difficult position.

Use it. Speak to his mum to prepare her and just check there is nothing unknown you don't know. It sounds like this woman would have been a grandparent to your child and sadly won't be. I understand the hurt to your mum but not when it isn't someone who is no longer here. Step mum gets the name because that's all she can possibly have. Mum gets everything else.

I'm a mum and step child. I'd name after my step parents in this situation and would think my parents selfish and awful if that was an issue.

You could always go with more than 1 middle name?

I couldn’t do that to my mum, I know she’d be hurt but would hide it.

That's not the same.

‘Hey dear mother, we want to name your grandchild not after you, dh’s mother, but after stepmother, how do you feel about that? Don’t you think that’s lovely of us?’ (😎😏😂😁)

You must despise her. I bet you’re looking forward to seeing her face when you tell her. Unless she did something horrible to you, of course she’d be upset if conversation is even broached and of course you shouldn’t do it. No self awareness whatsoever. Bizarre.

I wouldn't ask her.

I think, if you love the name itself, then use it.
As @Luredbyapomegranate said, if you feel she is a bit unhappy about it, then you can explain you just really like the name and it is nothing to do with your dh' dsm.
However if you are making a thing about it being a tribute to her, then I don't think you should use it. It is insensitive.

But, decide between you and dh, don't start asking people for opinions before the baby is here. Particularly if there is the possibility his dm might say one thing to keep the peace, but really be thinking another. At least if it is 'fait accompli' she won't be thinking "should I have said?" all the time.

I dont see anything wrong with it. Just like if it was your MILs new husbands name being used. It's your choice what you name your baby no one else's. MIL should be able to respect and understand that DH was close to his Step Mum, and it's honouring someone who is no longer here. I dont see any issue at all with it.

Op would your own mum not be hurt that the child is called after step-mum rather than her or the other grandma?

I really think it's like throwing a match to see what happens.
DH needs to grow a pair and stop you hurting his poor mum.

Wow @MysteryBelle you’re a delight. If that were true I wouldn’t be here on this thread would I. I would use the name & take pleasure in announcing it when DC2 arrived. That is absolutely not me.

We love a name, it so happens to be that of my DH dead DSM. I’m very aware & sensitive, hence being here with the dilemma.

MIL thought a lot of DH DSM & was very sad when she passed. DH & I are genuinely unsure how she’d feel about the fact that a name we love also belonged to his DSM.

Yabu - the fact that smil wasn't the ow, and mil happily remarried, is irrelevant and missing the point.

The point is that when they broke up, her son spent some (half?) his time being brought up by another, genetically unrelated woman. I don't think I would ever really get over that myself. The only way I could get over that is if I could convince myself that I was still always no1 mother figure.

Analogy: when I was little my single mum had to work long hours and I had a nanny. I remember my mum telling me much later, as a grown up, that she was terrified at the time that I'd love the nanny more as I spent so long with her. (I didn't love the nanny more, although i did bond with her and she was great). Imagine if I later named my daughter after the nanny.

Gosh, have some empathy, honestly

Ps my nanny had a great name. Would have been a delightful baby name.

Just. No.

I think that it would be hurtful just asking tbh. Pick another name.

maybe read the other thread about someone naming a baby after a dead relative-not exactly the same situ but still can be very hurtful

Because her daughter in law would be naming her granddaughter after her son's step mother/her husband's second wife.......not nice. In fact bloody terrible. An embarrassment that would live on and on. Cringe.

No, this way you can enjoy putting it out there on an anonymous forum beforehand because you can’t in real life, you’d be known to all as insensitive and cruel. Especially as it seems dm is a lovely person. It would hurt her and you know it.

@MysteryBelle people’s minds actually work this way! 🤣

Absolutely not. And if you still struggle to accept that this is absolutely the wrong thing to do. Imagine having to explain this to your DC3, possibly while she's sat on her grandmother's lap.

I think it depends on MILs personality type. I know my mum would think it was a lovely idea if she thought a lot of DSM. However MIL would have a fit. I adore my MIL BTW but she wouldn't take it well.

It's a middle name anyway, it will never be used or even known except close family so I'd just go with another. Some people on this thread are being absolutely ridiculous though!

I think it's lovely but I wouldn't ask MIL or anyone else for that matter. Your DH loved his stepmother. It's ok for that love to be acknowledged.

Don't do it.

It would be a horrible thing to do

I'd say naming the grand daughter after the step mum does! 😆

Use the name you like. I can’t believe the pettiness about names.