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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 11/04/2023 09:19

Only two things matter when a baby is born.
Baby's health and well-being
Mother's health and well-being

The rest of the family are bit players for the first couple of weeks. The baby isn't a toy to be passed around.

The OP INBU at all. She's having major surgery and her life is undergoing profound change. She wants time to get her bearings without a huge group of people descending on her home. She's also dealing with an insensitive, selfish and unkind husband when she's feeling vulnerable.

I say this as someone who allowed my FIL to stay at my home for two weeks both times I gave birth.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 09:43

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 23:16

Um... It is a little bit about me though, isn't it?

Show quote history

@Ryanstartedthefire2

of course it’s about you as well as the baby op

ignore the self sacrificing mummy martyrs on here

moveoverye · 11/04/2023 09:50

Haven’t read the full thread so sorry if this has already been commented on, but noticed your title says “my” son. Rather a telling slip? Surely “our son” would be the reasonable phrasing?

I think you are being a bit precious and controlling.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 09:53

He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

What a knob head

no one on here could justify that surely??

Cactusmad · 11/04/2023 10:27

Say can’t man up , like he can’t woman up. If you had any other major surgery you would be left alone. They want to meet the baby but telling you how they will visit instead of asking is bad manners. Look after yourself and trust your instincts.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 11/04/2023 10:47

CalpolDependant · 11/04/2023 09:08

Congratulations on your new baby! :)

You might change your mind. Showing off your new baby is one of the most exciting bits of a new baby. It helps to break things up a bit too, because the first few weeks are an endless stream of feeds, nappies and mess.

Also, you’re about to have many tedious, unwanted and time consuming home visits from your widwives and HV. There is no bubble. My midwife squeezed milk from my nipple into my baby’s mouth while she talked merrily about Game of Thrones. And yet another changed my c section dressing while I lay on a paw patrol bean bag sipping milkshake.

By contrast, in laws were a nice change.

This.

I had similar but in front of my teenage stepsons and 2 of tbeir friends.
As this pp says a few other family visits were a welcome change!

It's not clear whether your DH has actually witnessed childbirth by someone he loves, Op? If he hasn't and he wants to be with you in the room, not all do, and if you want him there, he may well completely change his mind, increase his knowledge of the physical reality of it all, grow up a bit, and be a changed, supportive partner to you in this.
Good luck!

GreenSunfish · 11/04/2023 13:38

ImAGoodPerson · 09/04/2023 19:58

I have literally only ever heard of people behaving like this on MN. Sharing the happiness of a newborn with closest family and friends is so special, I would be absolutely devastated if my DCs did this, my mum and MIL sat in the waiting room whilst I had my c-section with DC2, they were at the hospital when I had DC1. I couldn't imagine not wanting to share that time with them.

I had lots of visitors, 1st time was a great way to break up the day, 2nd time was a great help after section to help with making drinks, food and sorting toddler. Sometime if my mum or MIL came round I'd pop off to bed for an hour or two.

Up to you to do whatever you want of course but I can imagine your DH would be extremely upset.

This 👆 It’s so special seeing family meet your baby 🎉 The comments from your partner about giving birth in war zones however is totally out of order and needs addressed.

jamdonut · 11/04/2023 13:56

I think you’re being unreasonable, after all it’s his baby too and he wants his family to see a newborn, not a two week old! As long as none of them stay for too long, I don’t see the problem .
Imagine, when your baby is grown up and has their own children, how you would feel if you were put off for 2 weeks from seeing the grandchild you’re so excited about?

Yousee · 11/04/2023 14:50

Why is it so difficult for some people to see that the person who just gave birth is the person whose needs/wants/sensibilities are the most important in the immediate PP period?

Flamingogirl08 · 11/04/2023 14:54

I always find these threads mad because after I had mine I couldn't wait to show her off and certainly didn't want 2 weeks in some weird bubble. Me and mum took her for a pub lunch at a few days old 🤣. That being said it is your choice and you shouldn't have visitors forced on you

smizing · 11/04/2023 15:15

OP YANBU at all! They can come and visit when you are ready. 2 weeks is quite reasonable.

Sausage1989 · 11/04/2023 15:24

Oh my goodness. Wtf?? Woman have it easy???

Lizzt2007 · 11/04/2023 16:16

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 20:53

@JudgeJ well if someone lives close they are obviously going to meet baby first! But sure make it an in-law issue. Bizarre.

Why? If she wants a time with no visitors then it shouldn't matter where they live. No visitors is no visitors. It very obviously is an in law issue.

Lizzt2007 · 11/04/2023 16:32

roarfeckingroarr · 11/04/2023 09:19

Only two things matter when a baby is born.
Baby's health and well-being
Mother's health and well-being

The rest of the family are bit players for the first couple of weeks. The baby isn't a toy to be passed around.

The OP INBU at all. She's having major surgery and her life is undergoing profound change. She wants time to get her bearings without a huge group of people descending on her home. She's also dealing with an insensitive, selfish and unkind husband when she's feeling vulnerable.

I say this as someone who allowed my FIL to stay at my home for two weeks both times I gave birth.

roarfeckingroarr · Today 09:19
Only two things matter when a baby is born.
Baby's health and well-being
Mother's health and well-being

so dad doesn't matter at all? This is exactly why there are so many complaining about shitty fathers on mn. Fathers get shut out and told they're not important and that it's all up to mum and that they don't get a say. Then mums complain when dad doesn't get involved.

NameChange30 · 11/04/2023 16:40

"What about the menz" 🙄
Actually, no, fathers haven't been through pregnancy and childbirth so their needs don't matter anything like as much as the mother and baby. Their role is to look after them both as much as they can. It doesn't mean fathers are not important, it just means they have to put the mother and baby's needs first. If a father doesn't get involved because he can't stand putting them first, that's on him. Don't you try to blame the women for it.

pimplebum · 11/04/2023 16:57

A few hours 10 days after birth is fine you are not hosting other than tea and buscuits

saffy2 · 11/04/2023 17:35

I don’t know why people can’t understand that some of us don’t want to pass our babies round to people. People are different…🤷🏽‍♀️ what a shocker!!! Showing off my baby was most definitely not the most exciting part of having a baby for me 😂 I literally detest it.

MeMyselfandMorris · 11/04/2023 20:38

I have always felt a bit guilty about the birth of my son and family because my mum and dad didn't get to meet him until a month afterwards. But to be honest, I wouldn't change it looking back.

I have a big family and they all live far away from me. They all wanted to show up on or around the due date and were all booking holidays to come and stay which was really stressing me out. This was more because my family and partner didn't get on so the stress of it all made things difficult. In the end, I asked my sister to cancel their holiday plans and not to book anything until he had been born. In the end I suggested that we bring him up to meet them and they didn't meet him until he was 9 weeks old. My mum and dad met him at 1 month old. Now I do feel guilty to my family and apologised to my sister since then. But that first month alone with baby and partner was so precious. I am so happy I got that time even though I do also regret my family meeting him so late.

I suggest that you come up with a compromise for everyone so you avoid any guilt afterwards and so they get to meet the little one ASAP. My mum and dad are now both no longer with us sadly so always take the opportunity to spend time with loved ones whilst they are here. But don't just have randoms over for the sake of it.

There was some fool on here who said it wasn't about you and about the birth of their son's grandchild. What a load of codswallop. This couldn't be more about you if it tried so don't let them guilt you into anything and remember only your close family really matter.

Catsstillrock · 11/04/2023 22:14

smizing · 11/04/2023 15:15

OP YANBU at all! They can come and visit when you are ready. 2 weeks is quite reasonable.

This is ridiculous.

there is really not that much difference between and new born and a two week old.

they feed, they sleep, they poo. That’s it for MONTHS.

if you take into account variation in new born size.

delivering my second 10lb baby the midwife merrily declared he looks three months old.

extended family’s relationship with the grandchild is about the long haul, not whether they saw them at day 2, week 2 or month 2.

my in laws live abroad and didn’t meet our kids until a month or so in for a flying visit.

they’d pressured us into booking a trip there when our first born was 10 weeks old.

i agreed when pregnant not knowing what I was going into. I really wasn’t ready. We went, it was awful, it’s permanently damaged our relationship (though also REALLY helped me grasp early on how important it is to ditch the people pleasing and be prepared to be as firm as necessary on things important to me).

10 years later they are obsessed over our kids!

they can and should wait until OP is good and ready.

MummyMayo1988 · 11/04/2023 22:22

Op anyone that has replied "there's no harm in his family visiting" is an idiot imo 🙄 it's YOU that is having a baby. It's YOU that is having a csection. Therefore YOU get to decide when you have visitors.
You are NBU at all in wanting to rest.
It was my absolute worst nightmare to think about giving my newborn to even family. I also BF and wanted those first few weeks to get into a nice uninterrupted routine.
Stand your ground op and good luck x

Tourmalines · 11/04/2023 22:43

Don’t get this fucking bubble thing !!

GoodChat · 12/04/2023 06:24

there is really not that much difference between and new born and a two week old.

There's a huge difference to a woman one day after major surgery vs 2 weeks.

TheaBrandt · 12/04/2023 06:47

God my in laws turned up and expected business as usual - polite in baby related chit chat and sitting there waiting for lunch to be laid on. They then munched through the food my mother had kindly made for us - both our dds were weeks early so I was caught unawares on the food prep front. They are such weirdos.

Dyslexicwonder · 12/04/2023 06:54

Kind Mumsnetters help me. DSIL (DH's sister) is expecting her first in August, they live in America. Of course we would love to see the baby, I suggested flying over October half term and booking some accommodation close by. DH is inviting it will be fine to stay with them, this will be for at least 3/4 nights as obviously is a long journey. Baby will be maximum of 3 months old, how do I make him see sense ?

TinkerBeee · 12/04/2023 06:59

Some people do not have nice in laws or husbands who will stand up to them when they cross the line. With my first my mil came into my bedroom when I was trying to breastfeed and told me I should just give up breastfeeding. Then she called my husband every day to ask if I was still breastfeeding. There was a 2 week ban on my inlaws visiting with the second due to their behaviour the first time round.