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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
skilpadde · 12/04/2023 07:19

Dyslexicwonder · 12/04/2023 06:54

Kind Mumsnetters help me. DSIL (DH's sister) is expecting her first in August, they live in America. Of course we would love to see the baby, I suggested flying over October half term and booking some accommodation close by. DH is inviting it will be fine to stay with them, this will be for at least 3/4 nights as obviously is a long journey. Baby will be maximum of 3 months old, how do I make him see sense ?

If you want advice, it's always best to start your own thread. You could explain more about what you're asking... what do you want him to see sense on? The issue doesn't seem obvious to me.

Dyslexicwonder · 12/04/2023 07:24

That they will not want 3 extra adults (Dd will be 17) cluttering up their house when they have a 3 month old.

smizing · 12/04/2023 08:48

Catsstillrock · 11/04/2023 22:14

This is ridiculous.

there is really not that much difference between and new born and a two week old.

they feed, they sleep, they poo. That’s it for MONTHS.

if you take into account variation in new born size.

delivering my second 10lb baby the midwife merrily declared he looks three months old.

extended family’s relationship with the grandchild is about the long haul, not whether they saw them at day 2, week 2 or month 2.

my in laws live abroad and didn’t meet our kids until a month or so in for a flying visit.

they’d pressured us into booking a trip there when our first born was 10 weeks old.

i agreed when pregnant not knowing what I was going into. I really wasn’t ready. We went, it was awful, it’s permanently damaged our relationship (though also REALLY helped me grasp early on how important it is to ditch the people pleasing and be prepared to be as firm as necessary on things important to me).

10 years later they are obsessed over our kids!

they can and should wait until OP is good and ready.

Show quote history

You can't label someone's choice as ridiculous. That's why we are all different. You have your preference - OP has her preference.

I don't really care about a baby's size blah blah blah. If someone told me I couldn't visit until after 2 weeks; then I have no choice but to respect their wishes and boundaries.

I had guests/family in my house the day I came home from the hospital. That was MY preference.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 12/04/2023 09:30

Imagine your son just had a baby and his wife banned you from seeing the baby against his wishes. It's half his baby.

It's 10 days after the op. She just has to sit there. She's being a brat.

diddl · 12/04/2023 09:34

Imagine your son just had a baby and his wife banned you from seeing the baby against his wishes. It's half his baby.

Which half did he push out then?

Notonthestairs · 12/04/2023 09:45

"talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. "

Why the flip do they all need to come simultaneously? How close are you to brother in law's girlfriend? Are you expected to host bank holiday festivities?

What about half of them one weekend, half the next?

Removing choices and control from a heavily pregnant FTM is terrible behaviour in my view.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 12/04/2023 09:49

She's having a section. I take your point anyway. Half his dna tho..

Felixss · 12/04/2023 10:00

Tourmalines · 11/04/2023 22:43

Don’t get this fucking bubble thing !!

It's bloody weird used to be it takes a village. I was elated to show my DD off to her family, I never saw her as just my baby she was part of an extended family. DD now has very close relationship with the ILs.

Felixss · 12/04/2023 10:06

saffy2 · 10/04/2023 18:28

In Victorian times women were confined from 1 month before giving birth until 1 month after….for exactly the reason op is saying. Healing and establishing breast feeding and bonding.

Show quote history

Confinement didn't mean no visitors seeing the baby.

phoenixrosehere · 12/04/2023 10:10

Lizzt2007 · 11/04/2023 16:32

roarfeckingroarr · Today 09:19
Only two things matter when a baby is born.
Baby's health and well-being
Mother's health and well-being

so dad doesn't matter at all? This is exactly why there are so many complaining about shitty fathers on mn. Fathers get shut out and told they're not important and that it's all up to mum and that they don't get a say. Then mums complain when dad doesn't get involved.

Show quote history

Dad does matter however not as much as the mother and baby. Women need time to heal and not all of us are up and ready for visitors while we’re in pain and bleeding and dad’s job is to help and that includes taking into account that having visitors and guests being around may not be beneficial especially if they plan to be hosted/entertained vs being of some use. Very few would expect the same from people who have had major surgeries or been in hospital yet new mums should simply suck it up and pass baby around so everyone can “ooh and ahh”.

phoenixrosehere · 12/04/2023 10:13

Felixss · 12/04/2023 10:00

It's bloody weird used to be it takes a village. I was elated to show my DD off to her family, I never saw her as just my baby she was part of an extended family. DD now has very close relationship with the ILs.

Show quote history

Often due to past experience or already knowing what kind of family and in-laws you have. As another poster said, not everyone is lucky to have nice and/or considerate family and in-laws.

diddl · 12/04/2023 10:31

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 12/04/2023 09:49

She's having a section. I take your point anyway. Half his dna tho..

It doesn't sound as if Op is banning them though.

Just feeling overwhelmed by how many are coming & that they'll be there for a few days.

Biggest thing I think though is probably her OH's attitude.

Throwncrumbs · 12/04/2023 11:02

So your mum can pop in anytime but your husbands relatives can’t come down when baby is ten days old. No wonder your husbands upset. Welcome to the world of DILs who treat their husbands family different. Good luck, you will need it!

SemperIdem · 12/04/2023 11:05

Throwncrumbs · 12/04/2023 11:02

So your mum can pop in anytime but your husbands relatives can’t come down when baby is ten days old. No wonder your husbands upset. Welcome to the world of DILs who treat their husbands family different. Good luck, you will need it!

Are you as close to your MIL as you are to your own mother?

That would be unusual.

phoenixrosehere · 12/04/2023 11:39

Throwncrumbs · 12/04/2023 11:02

So your mum can pop in anytime but your husbands relatives can’t come down when baby is ten days old. No wonder your husbands upset. Welcome to the world of DILs who treat their husbands family different. Good luck, you will need it!

Good grief. It is not a MIL issue.

One person coming over is a massive difference to 2 groups of likely 4 visiting over two long weekends when they don’t have the room for that many people.

Genevieva · 12/04/2023 11:43

Ten days after sounds reasonable. Mine turned up at the hospital and I had seen them three times by day 10. They just wanted to possess my baby and let me make the tea etc. Clearly a big crowd in a small house is a challenge, so suggest meeting somewhere else for a cuppa.

fragolino · 12/04/2023 12:03

Op as mum you come first and your dh should be putting you first.
A compromise is best but there should be a caveat that if it gets too much they must respect this and leave.

Your dh should be on board with this.

Your a new mum you are the most important person here because baby relies on you.

It apalls me how new mums are treated m.. It's pretty obvious that anyone's own mum is usually going to be more respectful and caring towards their own child than the in laws?

Unfortunately mn and rl is littered with horrific stories of totally bombastic domineering in laws ruining this special time.

Kaftanesque · 12/04/2023 12:10

From some of the responses on here I wonder how I ever survived and have a lovely relationship with our 3 Dcs !I had 3 CSs and relatives popped in at pre-arranged times and it was lovely to see them.They brought useful gifts and didn't overstay and infact MIL took some washing away and sorted it.Bear in mind it works both ways.If you're in laws are generally nice and in future you will almost certainly call on them for help compromise somewhat .Perfectly reasonable that they stay elsewhere and stay an appropriate amount of time depending on how you're feeling .

ironorchids · 12/04/2023 12:47

If you want a bubble, have a bubble.

As someone recovering from major abdominal surgery, your preferences on when you're visited take priority.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your in laws are obviously going to be treated differently to your own parents because you're likely to be a lot closer to your mum than your mother in law. That is the norm!

jannier · 12/04/2023 13:01

Felixss · 12/04/2023 10:06

Confinement didn't mean no visitors seeing the baby.

Show quote history

And only the very rich most were back at work as soon as they could stand.
They hid their chair legs for modesty so not sure most of it was about interests of the mother or child who would be with nanny but more about the mothered embarrassing shape and not bring churched until she was clean....as in not bleeding.

jannier · 12/04/2023 13:05

fragolino · 12/04/2023 12:03

Op as mum you come first and your dh should be putting you first.
A compromise is best but there should be a caveat that if it gets too much they must respect this and leave.

Your dh should be on board with this.

Your a new mum you are the most important person here because baby relies on you.

It apalls me how new mums are treated m.. It's pretty obvious that anyone's own mum is usually going to be more respectful and caring towards their own child than the in laws?

Unfortunately mn and rl is littered with horrific stories of totally bombastic domineering in laws ruining this special time.

Why is it obvious? Most mothers and mother in law's have given birth and understand they are not evil because they brought up the partner you love and presumably did a fantastic job because you had children with them.

jannier · 12/04/2023 13:11

SemperIdem · 12/04/2023 11:05

Are you as close to your MIL as you are to your own mother?

That would be unusual.

Show quote history

But presumably you love your partner and respect them and while you busily push them away I bet childcare will be a different issue and a moaning fit about now I want them why are they not here waiting for me to snap my fingers. Jesus I'm lucky my DIL invited us to the hospital after he c section the same with her twins. I'd do anything for her but I'm not sure id feel the same if she had hurt my son in this way ...ie suggesting her mum is more important than his.

fragolino · 12/04/2023 13:14

@jannier

I don't understand the response to my post.

Do you not think it's obvious that the mother of the woman who has just birthed a baby is going to be more concerned and focused on their own child than the mother of someone else?..

fragolino · 12/04/2023 13:15

@jannier

The mils who in my experience get pushed away are those that need pushing! Because they themselves are extremely pushy.

fragolino · 12/04/2023 13:18

"
@Ryanstartedthefire2
. "she just has to sit there she is being a brat"

My Mil said I was lazy because I wasn't cleaning and when I started she got me doing the whole house. She then said I was lucky because I wasn't bed ridden.