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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cazareeto1 · 10/04/2023 20:58

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

Am I reading right that they are all coming to stay at your home for 2 weeks right after having a c section, first baby? Is this right?
if that is the case I can see why that is an issue, if they where coming for the weekend or short time, that would be reasonable but if they are staying in your home that many people I would feel uncomfortable at this early on after having a baby for taht long and taht many people. A weekend though would be doable
of they are coming for the 2 weeks make it clear to your husband they can’t stay over night, they baby and you need time to bond and rest. And take it easy. Especially after c section.
the silver lining is you won’t be able to lift much, bend much so hopefully everyone rally’s around and helps you with things like washing and cleaning and watching baby so you can bath and clean you wounds. There could be some benefits of having extra help as long as they do not expect you to run around after them. Especially when section still fresh and needs to heal.

Madamum18 · 10/04/2023 21:18

He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

How dare he!!!

saraclara · 10/04/2023 21:19

Am I reading right that they are all coming to stay at your home for 2 weeks right after having a c section, first baby? Is this right?

No@Cazareeto1 , you're reading completely wrongly. It's really not hard to understand. They've booked an Airbnb for two consecutive weekends. I have honestly no idea how you've come to the conclusion that you have.

Densol57 · 10/04/2023 21:32

And this is how the WOKES are born
fgs - let his mum and partner visit like your mum is visiting to see their grandchild for a short period

im with your husband - man up

UsingChangeofName · 10/04/2023 21:41

Am I reading right that they are all coming to stay at your home for 2 weeks right after having a c section, first baby? Is this right?

No.
You have completely made that up.
They are not staying with the OP.
They are not staying for a fortnight.

Mrsgreen100 · 10/04/2023 22:19

Just say no idea how you will be so no visitors until you are ready
be firm

Winnipeg23 · 10/04/2023 22:22

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. You do what you feel comfortable with. You don't need the stress. You have enough to cope with. It doesn't matter about people who say get on with it and it's easy . You are not them. U are you. And that's absolutely fine ☺️ people that say 'just let visitors stay an hour"..easy to say. But then they are enjoying the visit and time flies in and they don't leave. Who is going to show them the door? And also u don't want to be thinking about Housework and food etc. DH won't be helping by the sounds of it. No it will be left with u doing the baby, you recovering, you doing the tidying up before and after,you arranging refreshments, you being stressed and exhausted when they stay for ages. Oh my goodness! Don't be bullied by people who say YABU. U r u. Say no to Ur husband. No to the relatives. And once you are feeling up to it post event, start having the relatives in as u see fit. I feel for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2023 22:24

Densol57 · 10/04/2023 21:32

And this is how the WOKES are born
fgs - let his mum and partner visit like your mum is visiting to see their grandchild for a short period

im with your husband - man up

And you are how people who can't even read the OP's posts are born.

She was always OK with the parents coming and visiting.

T1Dmama · 10/04/2023 22:30

I always worried I wouldn’t want to share my daughter when she born, having tried to conceive for 11 years!!…. However as soon as our daughter was born I was telling DH to call my parents and get them to the hospital.. I spent a few days in hospital establishing breastfeeding so most people visited me in there and were restricted to visiting hours… I think it’s lovely your in-laws all want to come, putting them off will offend them and they may not bother…. My daughter has never met my DH family…. It’s very sad… I wish they’d been as excited as your in laws!
I have to be honest, the visitors are actually quite nice during the first few weeks, newborns are pretty boring x
Good luck with the c-section, please just go with the visits from DH’s family… they’re his family and he’s desperate to show off his new son…. Just think how you’d feel if he said he didn’t want your mum coming round till the baby is a month old.

littlejlb · 10/04/2023 22:50

I tik my husband it was only fair if we waited for at least two weeks, before we had any visitors, just so we could adjust to our new lives as a family of 3. My daughter was delivered by emergency c section, and I was in no fit state for visitors. My mil and sil helped our, as dh boss was being incredibly spiteful and made him wait a week or more before allowing him paternity leave. I was glad we had time together to scary as a family. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Silentmama · 10/04/2023 23:57

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 09/04/2023 23:09

YABU. You have to let the grandparents visit. Mine were round before I got home from the hospital. You have to suck it up I'm afraid. It's not about you it's about their sons baby.

NO.. NO you don't .

It is about the baby bonding with it's mother. It is about 'settling and having time to feed, relax, recover'. Not about being passed around to IL's .

The OP can 'chose' whoever she likes to visit her and her baby in those opening days.

A man worth his salt will prioritise the person who has been through a life changing event. It the new mum wants to see people all good but if not also all good.. whatever she says goes.

If my IL's had shown up before I had rested they would have been told to go. Not invited in. I was quite clear the second time and got a good 10 days visit free.

stacyvaron · 11/04/2023 00:50

Just tell DH he needs to clean up the place and arrange their tea. When they're there, take the opportunity to go to bed and get some sleep.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 11/04/2023 00:57

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 09/04/2023 19:51

It's your husbands attitude that would concern me more rather than the excitement of your in-laws wanting to meet your new baby.

This

Wellthatsthatthenisntit · 11/04/2023 02:11

yanbu

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/04/2023 02:38

You're both making this waaaaay more complicated than it needs to be.

You'll have just had a baby. You will be in your own home, where you have a bedroom. You say you love them very much, so presumably they're excited to see both you and baby? And will understand if you are tired or whatever.

Take the opportunity to have love heaped upon you both by people that want to be in your presence, but make sure you're clear with them that a) DH is on tea making duty; b) you need a particular comfy chair available; c) you might need to go and lie down during the visit. Your husband will be there, he can allow them a little walk with the pram or all go out with them to give you half an hour if you need it.

Any reasonable guest will not mind at all. But they'll be so disappointed if they can't come and see you.

Maternityleavelady · 11/04/2023 07:17

Nobody should be booking airbnbs until after the baby is born and you see how you feel. You should give them the green light when you feel ready.
And yes there is a hierarchy of who gets to meet baby first. It is important not to bombard baby with too many different peoples smells (and germs) in those early weeks. He/she should mostly be with mum and dad initially.
A

TrishM80 · 11/04/2023 07:52

The brother wanting to visit with his girlfriend is weird. In my experience, brothers aren't particularly bothered about their newborn nieces or nephews, certainly not enough to visit with their girlfriend from a few hours away!

saraclara · 11/04/2023 08:07

TrishM80 · 11/04/2023 07:52

The brother wanting to visit with his girlfriend is weird. In my experience, brothers aren't particularly bothered about their newborn nieces or nephews, certainly not enough to visit with their girlfriend from a few hours away!

Well a) the girlfriend could be a partner of some years and b) maybe he's actually thrilled about the baby. My best male friend is about to become an uncle, and is absolutely delighted and excited about it.

Mollymoostoo · 11/04/2023 08:15

I had a similar scenario with my DS (now 21) and the stress meant I ended up with PND. I remarried and didn't want more children but had another. DH was demanding to take baby to his family after the birth. I was really anxious (not about baby but about getting ill again). Hospital said either he back off or they would put me and baby in a mother and baby unit.
He did back off and I was okay. Family saw DD within thr week and they all have an amazing relationship.

Hormones are horrible and you need to feel safe and in control. Negotiate directly with family but having that many people all at once is not good. You need rest and he needs to understand the mental impact of childbirth not just physical.

And for those saying this is the OP BU, in some cultures only mum and dad see baby for 1 month. Western society makes too many demands on women to conform.

Vgt6y357 · 11/04/2023 08:24

My daughter announced the "2 week bubble" rule when having her first. I found it so odd, and not something I'd ever heard of, but we respected their wishes. I think she expected us to start begging to see the baby and when we didn't (obviously we wanted to but didn't want to push against the bubble rule) she texted her dad to say "mum doesn't seem very excited about the baby" (after me sending card, gifts for mum and baby, handmade clothes, vouchers for 'Cook'). Honestly you can't win. 5 days after baby's birth they rang to say "So do you want to come and meet DC?" We were round there like a shot! (well a 2 hour shot - we don't live around the corner).

Sceptre86 · 11/04/2023 08:30

You just have to be firm in enforcing boundaries. So for example no visitors before 11am if that suits. Then your dh makes the lunch, cups of tea, dinner. Dh should use the dishwasher if you have one and keep things like lunch (if people are over at that time) simple so he's not getting too tired out when he needs to support you. You take baby up for their feeds (if that's more comfortable) and go for a lie down whenever you need to. From what you've said they sound like nice people and you love your mil so ask for help. I'd speak to your parents in law and maybe say that it's a lot of people in the first few weeks and whilst you are resting up you'd really appreciate it if she or fil could give your dh a hand. I'm sure they will.

If after this experience it gets overwhelming then should you have another child you can do things differently.

Lcb123 · 11/04/2023 08:33

I think you need to compromise and say they can visit in 1-2 people at a time for short periods. And you won’t be catering for them

Sceptre86 · 11/04/2023 08:34

@TrishM80 it's a shame your brother wasn't interested but that's not everyone's experience. My brother is always excited when I have a baby, he's great with kids and mine adore him.

Dragonsmother · 11/04/2023 08:43

Having a C Section is hard. I spent 5 nights in hospital after.
You really have no idea what will happen, when you will get home etc.
However I indulged in visitors. When they arrived I rested in the bedroom and give them tasks- cooking, cleaning, watching baby etc.
This is a stressful time. Your emotions will be everywhere. For the time to keep the peace and enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy how about- Can we see how things go and how we are?

CalpolDependant · 11/04/2023 09:08

Congratulations on your new baby! :)

You might change your mind. Showing off your new baby is one of the most exciting bits of a new baby. It helps to break things up a bit too, because the first few weeks are an endless stream of feeds, nappies and mess.

Also, you’re about to have many tedious, unwanted and time consuming home visits from your widwives and HV. There is no bubble. My midwife squeezed milk from my nipple into my baby’s mouth while she talked merrily about Game of Thrones. And yet another changed my c section dressing while I lay on a paw patrol bean bag sipping milkshake.

By contrast, in laws were a nice change.