In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

[inky1991]

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

In Victorian times women were confined from 1 month before giving birth until 1 month after….for exactly the reason op is saying. Healing and establishing breast feeding and bonding.

My SIL came whilst I was still in hospital. 3 hour drive!! My MIL/FIL arrived at my house as I got home from hospital first time round. So second time I went to my mum’s from hospital to relax and eat. They arrived there too. But at least I could then leave and go home. Because of distance we got a few intensive days then they left.

Quite a few family came to the hospital first time round but second time we avoided visitors as DD ended up in SCBU not long after birth and we didn’t have a timeline. Once she was allowed on the ward and talk of being discharged then the in-laws packed their bags and travelled.

When my brother was born in 1950, my mum spent 2 weeks in hospital with very little visiting allowed. When I was born that had been reduced to 10 days, both periods were for perfectly normal births with no complications. Now women are encouraged to leave hospital and return home, because pregnancy and childbirth are not an illness. But neither should women be expected to be a perfect hostess so soon after birth. It should be a time when the mother can rest as she wishes and bond with the baby. What is wrong with that?

Just been in your exact situation. 2nd child, 2nd c section. With my 1st, I went along with having all the family around the day we got home with baby, dragged myself in the car to visit other people etc... this time I was very strict about people coming. I had my mum to visit daily to help with self care for myself and that was it. I said no to everybody else and thankfully was supported by my partner. The 1st 5 days after a c section are generally hell on earth for most women. After that it eases up a bit and I said other family could come for a cuppa and visit. This is your child, your birth, your choice. I did get the 'my dad wants to meet his new grandchild' etc but that was quickly shut down. A c section is worlds apart from a natural birth. You do you. Good luck with your section!

I think it’s too hard to arrange dates and times before you have given birth. You may be up and out of hospital within hours feeling ok or you may have a traumatic birth struggle with bf etc and need time in hospital and at home recovering. We waited a week before seeing anyone but I was in hospital for 4 days then had 3 days at home just us and that was perfect. When family did come over it was small groups 4 max and for an hour/hour and half at a time. But everyone is different you have to do what’s right for you post birth.

Just TALK to these people

tell them you’re worried it’ll be a bit too much to have everyone all at once so if we can stick to a maximum number for an hour, 2 tops and ask people to plan it in with each other and with you/dh

make sure that you give as much of the priority time to your mil and Fil as you do your parents

start fair

It sounds like he doesn’t really realise what birth is…
he’ll find out soon enough

My in laws were in the birth room an hour after delivery and before my parents came, also over for dinner the day I came home from hospital. I was too spaced to have an opinion. It makes me feel sick to remembering and I cannot get over it. Mother’s deserve space in these sacred moments

Another vote for you are unreasonable.

This would be my worst nightmare. My daughter was born 2 weeks before Christmas. On Christmas day Went to my PIL for the afternoon and it was incredibly tiring. Too much noise, too many people, my DD only settled in my arms, breastfeeding every 1:30/2h...

You will be recovering from a big surgery and ultimately the only thing your baby needs when born is your undivided attention. This is the time to be selfish about your time and your needs. Your husband is being a d* , but anyway, I think a father doesn't have a clue about what a mother goes through specially when a FTM. Stand up for yourself

Your hubby is being a bit of a dick but you are also being unfair because you are happy for your family to visit ASAP but are not sure about his. Its his baby too and its simple - stay in your bedroom resting when his family visits if you want to - he can introduce the baby you don't have to be there.

Anyone who tells a heavily pregnant woman a week away from c section to “man up” is a dick head of the highest order. What a tool he is.

Absolutely this.

I realise he has apologised but that is an astonishing thing to say to a woman facing surgery to deliver your child.

What a plonker🙄.

Glad to read your mum lives nearby.
I wouldn't like to think of anyone depending on a man who would say that.

Your nerves of the unknown are completely understandable.

I hope everything goes well for you.

Keep your mother close to you.

Why are some mums these days so ‘precious’ about visitors when they’ve had a baby? When I had my twins 20 years ago by c section I had visitors every day for a couple of weeks! They made the tea or coffee and sat and had a chat and a cuddle with each twin. They didn’t stay all day so I had plenty of time to rest.

Plenty of women who have caesareans, or who have given birth in any way, do not have the energy or ability to host...

YABU - can be spaced out and they can visit at intervals not all at the same time. Partner can do teas, cake etc then move them on.

When I had my first baby I had read a lot about bonding, and how important it is to have a peaceful time to get breastfeeding established. So I was quite strict with visitors in the first couple of weeks. Based on my experience (3 babies) I would say let them visit, in small numbers so long as everybody clearly understands that you need peace and quiet to breastfeed baby. It took me at least 3 weeks to get completely comfortable feeding, prior to that it was quite sore and I would have absolutely hated people in the room giving advice based on their experience - which is incredibly irritating if you are trying to get your routines sorted. I would talk to DH in your nice understanding partner voice and explain to him that the welfare of his wife and baby must come ahead of the feelings of his family. Of course they are welcome as long as they understand that at times you and the baby will be absent and not want to be disturbed. Best of luck I'm sure you will sort it out. PS with my first I totally prioritised the baby ahead of everything, DH was fully on board, and I really enjoyed the new mum experience. You never get a chance to do that again with subsequent babies no matter how you try.

I think I'd be ok with his parents IF you're able to say that an hour (or whatever) is enough and they respect that. Are they one of those families who have to travel in a pack? Like, if one comes, they all come?

The whole tribe sounds too much - it may be that when the time comes you'll feel differently, but the point is that currently the idea of it is unsettling you, and your DH should be respecting that.

If they're liable to just come and sit all day, that would also be a no from me.

I breastfed both my babies, and it took a good couple of weeks to get it established (it may be different for you). Having constant visitors was awful; I kept having to go upstairs to feed DS and then falling asleep and not coming back down. Some of them were a bit miffed that I wasn't offering them cuddles with them.

Wow I am flabbergasted at the people saying that YABU. I don't think you are at all. It's your baby you make the rules. I had an elective c section and was kept in hospital for 8 days. I didn't have visitors for 6 weeks (I live abroad) and it was great - we had time to bond, get into a rhythm and do things our way without interference and also I didn't want to share my baby with anyone at the time! I also spent the first month topless at home trying to get to grips with breastfeeding. If you have a good relationship with your inlaws as long as you set some rules (max 1 hour a day, and you will absolutely not be hosting/making cups of tea) then you will be fine. It's really lovely that your inlaws are making the effort. I personally would not have wanted my MIL as even though I didn't see her for a few months she spent alot of time asking me when I was going to change to bottle feeding because she thought breastfeeding was wrong/weird. She also didn't think men should change nappies. So absolutely no way did I want her staying with us after my son was born.

As long as they aren’t staying with you and just popping in you might enjoy it.

I think the advice to not commit to anything now, but to wait and see how things are once the baby is here is good.

My in laws were all horrible to me after I said no to SIL and her DC visiting in one go with MIL and FIL. I was fine for them to come on consecutive days, I just didn’t want them all coming in one go. This was following an absolutely awful, traumatic birth that ended in an emergency c section after a failed forceps delivery. I was in huge amounts of pain and just needed my needs to be considered as the woman who had just had a baby but nobody gave a shit. I dug my heels in and there were lots of furious texts sent to my DH about how precious and selfish I was. I’ve never forgiven them for it. Sorry, I’ve me-railed, but it makes me really cross when new mothers are pressured to put their own needs last. You will have just undergone major surgery and will be adjusting to having a new baby. There’s absolutely nothing, nothing wrong with seeing how things go

If you've just gone through childbirth it's normal to be more comfortable with your own family than a whole bunch of semi-strangers. You're hormonal and wanting to feel safe with people who are related to you.

Why does brother-in-law's girlfriend need to come, for example?

Your feelings are valid. It’s overwhelming to have that many visitors at the best of times, let alone so soon after birth.

You could ask for them to come separately, maybe his parents one weekend and grandparents the other?

Or the thing I did with my second (I found too many visitors, too soon triggered horrendous PPA with my first) is meet in a public place for a set period of time, that way you can get away if you need to, and don’t feel like your space is being intruded upon. We hired a village hall, my mum put on a buffet and we had a baby viewing party. I literally sat on a comfy chair, holding my baby, for an hour or two and everyone had a peek at her, passed their gifts and enjoyed catching up with relatives they only usually see at weddings and funerals.

I had refused visitors other than my mum and nan, for the first 10 days, as I needed my 3 year old to adapt to us being a family of 4, before overwhelming him with distant relations (he has ASD), but wanted to get it over and done with rather than living on edge waiting for the next round of visitors. It also stopped the bickering over who saw baby first.

I would be firm with your in laws, sometimes the excitement of a newborn makes people forget how stressful new motherhood can be. Explain that you don’t want them to feel pushed out, but that the thought of so many visitors all at once is making you anxious, so you’d prefer to just play it by ear and let them know closer to the time how you’re feeling, that way you’re not setting anything definite.

OP I advise letting your husband make tea and coffee and be ready to see people out when you've had enough.
Don't let visitors pass the baby around.
Go upstairs with baby if you need to feed or rest.
Make sure nobody comes upstairs after you; get husband on this. Your need for privacy can be very strong with a new baby and you need a safe place to resort to if you feel overwhelmed.
You may well enjoy the love and happiness of these visitors if you have a safe retreat available if needed.

Understand you totally. I asked for minimal people at once because I was really overwhelmed after giving birth, all new, we'd just moved house. Still ended up with everyone all at once because they ignored me and came together, easier for them. DH ended up chivvying everyone out after 30 minutes because I ended up crying.

People don't always appreciate the level of hormones at play, as well as the exhaustion etc that comes along with the major life change.

Ask for what suits you best, and request your husband respects you enough to help you enforce it. If they're travelling together and staying elsewhere, they don't all need to be in the house at the same time. Try that?