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Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/04/2023 20:30

The Aunt's views are very materialistic. Doing things on the spur of the moment/opening night is not the only way to do things. The restaurant/club will still be there when you've had time to plan for family commitments. Silly aunty needs to grow up!

StaunchMomma · 09/04/2023 20:31

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

Politics isn't something to 'worry' about. It's not bad to show the kids how we use our voice in a democratic society. It's empowering, if anything!

I'd totally have a quick convo with DD and point out that Auntie doesn't understand that when you've had kids you'd rather be with them and that you do have fun with her. It's so easily quashed!

As for not wanting a 15 year old to discuss Trump and his antics, well, that's taking cotton wool wrapping to a whole new level!

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 20:31

I find you to be really strange and you’ve completely overreacted. Nothing you have posted sounds inappropriate for your children to have heard about and you raising them sheltered will do more damage in the long run. You sound jealous of your sister. Btw what she said is true! But have fun with your spontaneous life that doesn’t exist lol. Your child sounds like a preschools flower and you’ve made her that way.

MangshorJhol · 09/04/2023 20:31

Also my now 11 year old BOY knew about the gender pay gap at 9…It’s not just a conversation to have with girls.

msmatcha · 09/04/2023 20:32

Your Dsis had a perfectly appropriate grown up chat with your 9yo. I see no problem here. Just a different view point.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 09/04/2023 20:32

She sounds awesome - you sound very narrow minded and determined to find her at fault whatever she does.

Sunnydays0101 · 09/04/2023 20:33

I think you are over-reacting. If your DD hadn’t asked if the gender pay gap was the reason your sister didn’t have children, that strand of the conversation wouldn’t have happened. Maybe have a gentle word with your add and explain that it’s insensitive to ask personal questions such as that.

Being miffed about your sister having a conversation about Mr Trump is so ridiculous it’s laughable.

chaosmaker · 09/04/2023 20:33

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/04/2023 20:30

The Aunt's views are very materialistic. Doing things on the spur of the moment/opening night is not the only way to do things. The restaurant/club will still be there when you've had time to plan for family commitments. Silly aunty needs to grow up!

It takes more effort not to have children which in my mind is far more 'grown up' if you want to put it that way. Women don't decide not to breed just so they can go out. Or don't you understand that?

MoongazyHare · 09/04/2023 20:34

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/04/2023 20:30

The Aunt's views are very materialistic. Doing things on the spur of the moment/opening night is not the only way to do things. The restaurant/club will still be there when you've had time to plan for family commitments. Silly aunty needs to grow up!

So people without children who enjoy life aren’t grown up? What a strange outlook. Do you disregard everyone who doesn’t live exactly like you?

Magenta82 · 09/04/2023 20:34

YABVU and quite limiting. Children aren't stupid they see what goes on.
By 9 she will know that boys and girls are treated differently and it's quite likely she will have an opinion on that, I know I did!
It's good for her to know women have options and to see that adults don't have to follow one path.
I genuinely can't see what you are objecting to.

Elsanore · 09/04/2023 20:34

Oh god I've been your sister in this kind of scenario so many times probably! But my siblings and friends like their kids hearing different voices and opinions and being challenged to think about big ideas.

Your sister sounds knowledgeable and interesting and like your kids will get something from her that they don't get from you, which is the whole point of aunts!

If your sis is bored she can come and hang out with my Dd over the Easter hols (and me I bet she's a laugh over a bottle of wine).

Lillith111 · 09/04/2023 20:35

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/04/2023 20:30

The Aunt's views are very materialistic. Doing things on the spur of the moment/opening night is not the only way to do things. The restaurant/club will still be there when you've had time to plan for family commitments. Silly aunty needs to grow up!

@RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway Whats more grown up about having children? People with children can be just as materialistic. Stop implying that childfree women are selfish. Not everyone likes kids, and some people have different forms of family. Whats more selfish is having more kids than the planet can hold/provide for when you have perfectly good birth control.

pointythings · 09/04/2023 20:35

Your DSis may not have worded herself very well, but you sound very OTT protective. Of course you can talk about feminism and social injustice with a 9 year old, and of course you can talk about politics at a family gathering. We need more political engagement in the younger generation, not less.

Baabaa75 · 09/04/2023 20:36

Honestly it just sounds like you're trying to make a problem where there isn't any, you sound jealous of the relationship between your DD and DS 🤷

BigFatLiar · 09/04/2023 20:36

FFF3 · 09/04/2023 20:29

She didn’t really say that though - from your post she just said that you can’t go out at a drop of a hat, because she’s looking after children. That’s totally factual and a fair reason she chose not to have children. You can simply say to your DD that of course you made those choices because you love spending time with her / family rather than being out all the time. But I don’t think your sister made out your DD was to blame as such.

Show quote history

Yes she did say that. She said because of her anxiety her brothers her mum and dad can't be spontaneous. It's true that having children imposes limits but it's not nice to tell a child it's down to them.

nokidshere · 09/04/2023 20:36

I wouldn't raise it at all. If your daughter feels upset by it she will speak you and you can then do the 'everyone has different views on having children' thing. No need to make an issue out of a non issue.

15yr olds & politics? Par for the course and can be very entertaining and interesting to start hearing your child's views on the world at large.

Megapint · 09/04/2023 20:36

Well she's not wrong is she?. Having small children is restrictive. I don't think it hurts kids to know there are sacrifices we make & things we miss out on because we made the decision to have kids

Hercisback · 09/04/2023 20:39

I talk to my 6yo about thr gender pay gap. He's also aware that we enjoyed being out a lot pre kids, and would be out more if we didn't have children.

I don't see what your sister has done wrong. She's 9 not 1.

ohfook · 09/04/2023 20:39

I think it's good that she has an understanding of the fact that having children is a choice and not a path set in stone for her.

I'm on the fence with the rest though. I don't think your sister said anything wrong but I have a very sensitive kid who would walk away from that conversation thinking he was preventing me from having fun. I think I'd just use it to remind him that different people like doing different things and I'd obviously much rather be spending my Saturday nights listening to him talk incessantly about minecraft than be four drinks deep at the comedy club with daddy.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/04/2023 20:39

I couldn't get too upset over it. I've always been honest with DS about everything and sometimes that involves things he might not like as such. The reality is that spur of the moment nights out are off the agenda because I chose to have children.

You decided to have children despite it, your sister decided not to because of it. Neither one of you is wrong. Your dd will be fine.

BreviloquentBastard · 09/04/2023 20:39

She sounds great . Thank goodness your daughters have her as a good female role model.

You on the other hand sound bitter and jealous. Might want to work on that.

BigFatLiar · 09/04/2023 20:39

Don't know where the 'anxiety ' came from. Still think that even if it's true its not nice to tell children it's their fault mummy and daddy aren't enjoying themselves. Great guilt tripping.

FMSucks · 09/04/2023 20:40

She sounds like a fantastic aunt who speaks the truth. Wish I’d had an aunt like that growing up instead of being fed the nonsense that you must get married and procreate.

Crazycrazylady · 09/04/2023 20:40

Totally overreaction on your part. My kids often joke about things like 'imagine the hols mum
And dad could go on if it wasn't for us,
It's obvious but they know they're wanted and loved.

User2538309 · 09/04/2023 20:41

The gender pay gap and lifestyles and choices are entirely appropriate for a 9 year old. Trump and misogyny are entirely appropriate for a 15 year old. Your views are unusual and your sister doesn’t owe anyone an apology.