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Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 09/04/2023 20:42

BreviloquentBastard · 09/04/2023 20:39

She sounds great . Thank goodness your daughters have her as a good female role model.

You on the other hand sound bitter and jealous. Might want to work on that.

She's great. Actually dd if it wasn't for you mummy and daddy would be out having fun you're a real damper on our life as aunty's pointed out.

Original poster
Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:42

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/04/2023 20:30

The Aunt's views are very materialistic. Doing things on the spur of the moment/opening night is not the only way to do things. The restaurant/club will still be there when you've had time to plan for family commitments. Silly aunty needs to grow up!

She's nearly 40....
For all the other comments, I'm not jealous (lol) nor has it hit a nerve. Why would it when I have my beautiful little family.
I want my kids to grow up as kids. 15 is still a kid and I'm sure he was a bored as I am (but too well brought up to say so).
Haven't spoken to DD tonight, I'll raise it gently tomorrow. Thank you to those who 'get it' I'm not engaging anymore

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/04/2023 20:43

The aunt said she likes her free time to be able to do what she wants when she wants and showed how she couldn't do that with children. She didn't say the children prevented their parents from going out having fun, or that the parents were doing anything they didn't want to do

KitKatLove · 09/04/2023 20:43

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

But she didn’t say that she said that if you wanted to go out that you would have to consider your children which is very different and factually correct.

BreviloquentBastard · 09/04/2023 20:44

BigFatLiar · 09/04/2023 20:42

She's great. Actually dd if it wasn't for you mummy and daddy would be out having fun you're a real damper on our life as aunty's pointed out.

Show quote history

That's not what she's said though. That's how OP has interpreted the very reasonable thing that she actually said. Which OPs 9 year old daughter appears to have had no trouble comprehending. Why are you struggling with it I wonder?

Growlybear83 · 09/04/2023 20:45

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

Why in earth is it inappropriate for a nine year old to be talking about politics? I would have discussed things like that with my daughter at that age. One of my proudest moments was when Cherie Blair visited her school without notice when she was in year 5, during the Iraq war, and she organised an impromptu anti war protest.

I really do think you're over reacting massively.

StopitSarah · 09/04/2023 20:45

I really hope this is a troll post. So depressingly small minded to think parents really don’t think 9 and 15 year olds should engage with the wider world. I could weep.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/04/2023 20:46

It's a conversation that more parents need to have with their children. 9 is a good age to start it.

She sounds like a great auntie. I'm not seeing the problem.

DrHousecuredme · 09/04/2023 20:46

To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

But she didn't say this, according to you she said:

'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

So was talking about the fact that you can't be spontaneous as a parent which, she's right you can't. But you can counter that be telling her that you don't miss being able to go out like this spontaneously because other things about having a family make you happy 🤷🏽‍♀️

You say your dd adores her. Perhaps that's because she has proper conversations with her and allows her to think and develop an opinion. These are not bad things and will be happening for your dd all the time soon, with friends,school, social media etc.

Thinking, reflecting and reasoning are great skills for life.

Rosebel · 09/04/2023 20:46

I don't think your sister was wrong. You sound like hard work and think you would find fault whatever she said.
Perhaps you should give her a list of what she's allowed to discuss with your children

slashlover · 09/04/2023 20:47

I remember being younger than that and going to stay with my aunt overnight (or even for TWO nights) because mum and dad wanted to go to a concert and have a lie in the next day or wanted to go away for the weekend. I certainly wasn't traumatised at the thought that they might want to do something without me.

Twillow · 09/04/2023 20:48

I get that you feel criticised for your life choices, especially if you don't have a great relationship with your sister- but from the other point of view, it's great that your daughter is being exposed to different viewpoints on life and gender issues. Just be sure to mention to your daughter that you love having children and don't miss going out on the spur of the moment.

ThinWomansBrain · 09/04/2023 20:48

sounds as if you're a bit envious of your sister TBH

Whataretheodds · 09/04/2023 20:48

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

Did she actually say that you don't have fun because you have children?

Takoneko · 09/04/2023 20:49

Aunt sounds great. I can’t see what she’s done wrong. She’s allowed to make different life choices and I don’t see why she shouldn’t explain them to a child of that age. I don’t think she sounds like the one who needs to grow up and comments about her being immature are just weird to me. She sounds like a perfectly normal grown up woman who just happens to not have children.

Spiderboy · 09/04/2023 20:50

Um, we live in a pretty real world. It’s good your DD is around people with different views and takes on things. No harm in reassuring her that your family set up is all you want but she is free to make her own choices as she grows. But it is entirely healthy for her to know there are many paths in life

HernamewasNOLA · 09/04/2023 20:50

I don’t think your sister was U at all for the politics chat. I can understand why you might be upset about her saying you have to consider your DC before you’re able to go out, but at the same time she just said a fact.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/04/2023 20:50

I think it's good for your daughter to hear alternative points of view. You can tell her you love having a family ore than going out which is equally as valid as your sister's choices. Your daughter can grow up knowing she can choose.

BigFatLiar · 09/04/2023 20:50

BreviloquentBastard · 09/04/2023 20:44

That's not what she's said though. That's how OP has interpreted the very reasonable thing that she actually said. Which OPs 9 year old daughter appears to have had no trouble comprehending. Why are you struggling with it I wonder?

Show quote history

What she said was...
Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'
Which sounds pretty much like its down to her and her brothers mum and dad can't just get up and go out. They're holding mum and dad back.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/04/2023 20:51

more than going out

slashlover · 09/04/2023 20:51

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/04/2023 20:30

The Aunt's views are very materialistic. Doing things on the spur of the moment/opening night is not the only way to do things. The restaurant/club will still be there when you've had time to plan for family commitments. Silly aunty needs to grow up!

Parents also told a few times "X has asked us to go somewhere tonight, Neighbour is babysitting." and it wasn't a big deal as we got a takeaway which was a rarity.

Twillow · 09/04/2023 20:52

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

Now I have to disagree with you here. It's entirely appropriate to be having this kind of conversation with a 15 year old, and if you can't see that you're being rather naive and not doing your kids any favours by pretending they're still babies.

MumsyMalone · 09/04/2023 20:52

Changed my mind. Now you just sound controlling. Just because you find politics boring doesn’t mean a 15 year old will. And your definition of ‘thinking’ clearly doesn’t involve much critical reflection so you probably don’t need to worry about your ‘thinker’ dd…

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 09/04/2023 20:52

custardbear · 09/04/2023 20:21

You should learn to pull your sister up on those sorts of comments... perhaps something like 'don't worry DD my Aunty twat is quite selfish and really not cut out foenhaving children. Daddy and I have done the pubs and fun scene on our own and now we prefer family fun times because we've grown up!

What an awful judgement comment relating to couple that choose to be childfree.

Marchintospring · 09/04/2023 20:53

You can’t do the spur of the moment things when you have children. That you chose to have children and therefore chose to miss out on that aspect should be reassuring not worrying.
Hopefully your DD has also worked out that in a couple of years they’ll be old enough that you can go out again.