Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

[Yellobird]

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

Thank heavens your DS is a thinker because you aren't.

This is the joy of having Aunties, to provide a different perspective on life. She's not just there to parrot your life choices.

Same, so sis give an example off why she personally doesn't want/have kids dd hasn't mentioned the example but somehow it's turned into a drama for you 🤔

The only thing that's obvious is how much you hate your sister, and I'd bet there's a tonne of jealousy behind your vitriol. I doubt she could ever say the right thing in your opinion.

She didn't say a thing out of line, and your kids are lucky to have someone in their life who treats them like the thinking people they are.

Also, your sister is in no way obligated to babysit your kids. If I were her, I sure wouldn't.

@custardbear

Wtf?

OP I would 100% talk to DD.
MN can be a really weird place at times WTF a 9YO needs to worry about gender pay gaps?
but that’s neither her nor there even if we assume it’s a perfectly good convo.
What is not a good convo is alluding to the fact that your children are the reason you as DH can’t have fun.

If she’s a thinker this will run in her mind possibly for years. Obviously not as a constant thought but every now and then.

Start a convo by asking your DD what she thought about the convo she had with auntie and if she had any concerns.
I would reaffirm that this is the life that you and DH chose and you love them very much and that family time is very important for you and you wouldn’t change it for the world (given you said her suggestion wasn’t your thing).
and also just to put any doubt at rest that if you really wanted to go out and do that, then you could just get a babysitter for the night.

Most Primary's show Newsround. The kids are aware of what's going on in the World and some show a real interest in politics.

Concepts of social injustice are not too big for 9 year olds!

Position? What position? You obviously have no real problems if this annoys you.

I would be listening to conversations like this since.....??...always, and I'd be joining in or asking Qs at this age too.
She's not discussing butt plugs or graphic descriptions of paedophilia! You'll be telling us next she's said Santa's isn't real or the stork brings babies.
You're living in a very closeted world and doing your children an injustice. You do understand talking/thinking about something isn't the same as worrying...and tbh I think children should worry or be concerned about stuff sometimes, I mean look at Greta.

When I was a child, and knew I didn't want to get married and have kids, it was really helpful to have a feminist aunt who felt the same. Because everyone else seemed to be obsessing over what wedding dress they would want, and what type of wedding, and what to call their children. It's great for children to be exposed to a range of views.

Except...Mum and Dad wouldn't want to go out on the spur of the moment, because they know they have kids to look after and are prioritising them. So why suggest to OP's DD that they might ?

perhaps something like 'don't worry DD my Aunty twat is quite selfish and really not cut out foenhaving children. Daddy and I have done the pubs and fun scene on our own and now we prefer family fun times because we've grown up!

Oh yeah let's make girls think they are immature twats if they chose not to have children- ffs there is more to life than parenthood.

It sounds like they’re lucky to have their Aunt in their life.

She didn’t say that mum and dad are not having fun because of her, she said mum and dad can’t just randomly go out on a whim.

Doesn't this imply it is because of her,?

We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

So the implication is that in the opinion of her aunty she and her brothers are stopping her mum and dad from have fun, they're a burden. Without her mum and dad would have a better life.

I have an aunt who was childless and we discussed it from a very young age. I think it’s amazing for young girls to be told that having a child isn’t the only option because society won’t. Also by not involving kids in politics you’re teaching them complacency. Politics effects everything and peoples rights and the abuse of those in power should be discussed at any time. Also everything she said is true 🤷🏻‍♀️. And to think she shouldn’t be discussing trump with a 15 year old is ridiculous. Maybe you’re more upset not that she’s talking to them about politics but that she’s exposing them to life choices that are completely valid but not yours - you say yourself you don’t see eye to eye and have taken different paths. I think it’s brilliant if your daughter thinks about everything! I knew very young I didn’t want kids and was glad someone was there to tell me that’s ok!

That is not a "grown up!" response.

Will your daughter not come to you if she has any questions? I wouldn't sit her down and have a serious conversation about this because it will only make her think there might be something in what her aunt has said. It might be better to leave it up to her to come to you if something is worrying her. But I don't think it is as bad as you think.

I don’t see any problem. You sound like you’re looking for reasons to be angry with your sister. That’s a shame, because she could be a really valuable part of your life.
I don’t think she said anything out of order personally.

My kids have been taught about politics and gender equality from day dot really. Why is politics a bad thing to talk about? And as the mother of a non white child who has already had some eye brow raising comments, I am pleased for you that you can avoid ‘politics’ with your kids. Sadly I can’t. Moreover both my kids have lived through the Trump presidency and its impact on women’s lives and reproductive choices in particular which are unfolding now. Every 15 year old girl I know is well aware of this and it is a perfectly fine topic to talk about at a family gathering.

You seem unduly precious. At 9 surely you have talked to her about puberty, about body image, about what it means to be a girl/woman?!

Sounds like your children are very lucky to have their aunt in their lives.

Don’t ruin it for them by throwing a strop.

Same here. I just don't get the issue.

I think those are totally appropriate things to say to both a 9 and 15 year old. I started talking to my daughter about the gender pay gap when she was 7 (although I didn't call it that), but it was instigated by her asking about something she'd learned about in school in terms of female historical figures. A 9 year old is not a baby and we should be speaking to them as future adults.

I also think it's okay to say that some people choose not to have children and those people have more freedom to do what they want socially. You just say to your daughter that you don't feel like you are missing out and you choose to have a family.

Unless there's a huge drip feed, it sounds like you're lucky your daughter has such a smart and involved aunt.

Thank you, that's really useful advice.

She didn’t really say that though - from your post she just said that you can’t go out at a drop of a hat, because she’s looking after children. That’s totally factual and a fair reason she chose not to have children. You can simply say to your DD that of course you made those choices because you love spending time with her / family rather than being out all the time. But I don’t think your sister made out your DD was to blame as such.

I think it doesn't do kids any harm to realise their parents have to make sacrifices to look after them. I tell my children things like that occasionally and they seem to appreciate it more when I do choose to stay in now (I'm in more often than not, for full disclosure)!

Have you considered the possibility that your kids like your sister because she's not like you (Therefore aspirational and exciting)?

Your children aren't going to be ruined by becoming more aware of the choices and lives that others make. The fact that your sister is focused on her career doesn't mean that your choices aren't as valid but your children will be empowered with the knowledge that there are other choices out there.

Madness not to allow 15yo to listen to opinion about Trump and women. The teen may be getting their politics news from places like TikTok which may be sending her polarized opinion based on what the algorithm thinks her political opinions are.