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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
Quveas · 09/04/2023 20:17

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

If your parents had spent more time helping you to understand critical thinking skills and healthy debate, you wouldn't think that only your view is the right one. And thank god it isn't only on Mumsnet. If we aren't engaging children in these discussions then by the time we do it will be too late. Changing the world starts with them.

Original poster
Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:17

EyesOnThePies · 09/04/2023 20:12

Hopefully, OP, your parenting and family life demonstrate to your Dd that your children and family time are the best times you could have!

And if you wanted to go to a comedy club you would get your DSis to come and babysit.

Come on. If stuff is too ‘old’ kids switch off and it goes over their head. On the other hand being included in conversations about politics can be very empowering and spark an interest in keeping up to date with the news.

Your DSis sounds like a brilliant aunt. I would have loved that sort of engagement with a relative when I was 9.

Ha! As if. Dsis spends time with the boys now they're older but has never offered to babysit.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 09/04/2023 20:17

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

Christ, I'd avoid fare like Horrible Histories or Newsround if stuff like the gender pay gap is too much for a 9 year old...

It's actually a pretty easy way to talk about how that world isn't fair and what we can do about it. Potential for a great conversation with a kid who's a thinker.

sadsack78 · 09/04/2023 20:17

I get that sometimes you want to be the one to choose when certain subjects are broached with your kids.

However, maybe it's a good opening for you? Your daughter was obviously curious and maybe you could be open to have a one on one chat with her about any questions she has. She sounds like a smart, curious kid who would like it if you talked to her about being a woman and the stuff you have to deal with (age appropriate ofc) and if you're unhappy with something your sister said you now have a chance to clear things up?

Maybe you could explain to her that some people choose not to have kids for various reasons including free time or money but that you and your dh/ partner chose to have children because you were ready, wanted children and that being with your kids is more important to you than going out, where someone else might not feel the same.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 09/04/2023 20:18

I don’t think it’s DD that this talk upsets by the sounds of things. She seems to love talking to Aunty, it’s you who struggles with it.

In spite of pretty much everyone saying this is a good thing, you don’t want to hear it.

Gymnopedie · 09/04/2023 20:18

The gender pay gap, Trump etc - fine. Building awareness from an early age means they're less likely to be screwed over later in their lives.

But what she told DD about having fun with no kids, whereas a parent is tied is different. Your DD may well have internalised that and feel guilty, that it's her fault you can't have 'fun'. Plenty of children blame themselves for their parents' divorce with no reason, this is no different. However it is easily fixed. Different people have different ideas of 'fun' and 'a good life' and that's easy to explain. I don't know what kids are taught about sex and at what age these days, if she knows then you can assure her that it is a choice, that she wasn't imposed on you.

winterchills · 09/04/2023 20:18

I don't understand what shes said wrong?

JamonEverybody · 09/04/2023 20:18

TheEarlofButties · 09/04/2023 19:57

There’s clearly a reason your kids think she’s brilliant and hang off her every word- because she’s interesting and talks to them about interesting things that they ABSOLUTELY should know about! What future do you want for your daughter’s? One where they roll their eyes at current events and pretend ‘being a mummy is just dreamy’?

I agree. Your sister sounds very sensible. I don't think that conversation was inappropriate for a 9yo.

You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/04/2023 20:18

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

Nope. Not just on mumsnet. Everyone I know talks to their kids about this stuff. Lucky your dd has got your sister in her life to talk about stuff with.

Bucketheadbucketbum · 09/04/2023 20:18

Its very clear you obviously don't like your sister at all

It's really not clear what she said that was so out of order

YABU

Partyandbullshit · 09/04/2023 20:18

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

I go out with my DH to a bar and to comedy clubs approx 6 times a year (old gimmers). Are you saying our DC don’t know we love them more than any other humans on the planet?

MavisMcMinty · 09/04/2023 20:19

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

Now you’re being silly. Why make a big thing of it to your daughter if she’s unconcerned? It’s you who’s taken offence at the (true) remarks by the sound of it, not your daughter. Honestly, I think your dislike of your different-to-you sister is making mountains out of molehills.

Quveas · 09/04/2023 20:19

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:17

Ha! As if. Dsis spends time with the boys now they're older but has never offered to babysit.

Show quote history

Oh you really despise her, don't you? This is not about her, it's about you. Your kids love her and you are angry. Why is that?

mamabear715 · 09/04/2023 20:19

Think OP may have flounced off..

Sugargliderwombat · 09/04/2023 20:19

This'll be a great time to tell her you would much rather be at home with her, but when she's an adult she might not want babies and that's fine too because women can do whatever they want (and you wanted her).

SittingNextToIt · 09/04/2023 20:19

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

I have conversations about the gender pay gap - and the consequences of decisions to have children - with my 7 year old, wonderful, thoughtful, articulate son. He understands a huge lot about gender (amongst other things) and that’s precisely because DH and I have lots of chats about these and other things.

Considering your daughter is 2 years older than my son, I fail to understand what your issue is.

chaosmaker · 09/04/2023 20:19

@Yellobird No wonder your daughter likes her aunt, it's because she talks to her like a real person. She's said nothing at all wrong.

Georgieporgie29 · 09/04/2023 20:20

Lol, this has got to be a troll post

JamonEverybody · 09/04/2023 20:20

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

But nobody said or implied that you have no life because of them.

You're hugely overinflating your sisters words.

Are you generally a very dramatic person?

Original poster
Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:20

DoubleTime · 09/04/2023 20:14

I'm going to disagree with a lot of opinions here, I totally see your point. Why did she have to use your family as the example? Possibly planting the idea in DD's head that you and DH can't do things you want to do because of her ?

Thank you

OP posts:
Snoken · 09/04/2023 20:21

Agree with everyone else. You sound really rigid, boring and you are not doing your kids any favour by sheltering them from how the world works. Education isn’t limited to schools, it’s great to hear differing opinions as that is how you learn that you can make your own and you don’t have to follow others. Their childhoods won’t be ruined anymore by this than it is by maths or geography. They will however lack important skills in negotiation and critical thinking if you believe that they can only hear your opinions and take it for gospel. Your sister sounds great!

custardbear · 09/04/2023 20:21

You should learn to pull your sister up on those sorts of comments... perhaps something like 'don't worry DD my Aunty twat is quite selfish and really not cut out foenhaving children. Daddy and I have done the pubs and fun scene on our own and now we prefer family fun times because we've grown up!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/04/2023 20:21

Your sister hasn't said you aren't having fun or that your children have stopped you living the life you want. All she has said is that it is not the life for her, and explained why children wouldn't fit in with that way of life. You have put all the negative connotations onto her words.

Crocodilekneecaps · 09/04/2023 20:21

You’re jealous of your sisters relationship with your kids

SittingNextToIt · 09/04/2023 20:21

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

Your FIFTEEN year old cannot be made aware (if he isn’t already) about the far right, conservative politics around women, and feminism.

what am I reading.

is this a wind up?