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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
Glow23 · 10/04/2023 18:36

Sounds like my sister, always trying to bring up alternative ways of thinking or pushing her ideals on my DD she also has no children

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 10/04/2023 18:36

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 09/04/2023 20:00

You must be trolling at this point. 15 years old is absolutely fine to discuss Trump and his mistreatment of women.

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I thought that, too.

HauntedPencil · 10/04/2023 18:37

Struggling to see an issues with this. Your sister is giving an example of how she chose to live her life why does it impact on your kids? If anything you can say we'd rather have you all than be able to take off out that's our choice and hers.

RockyReef · 10/04/2023 18:39

I wouldn't be furious, but at the time (or later, if I couldn't formulate a response there and then) I would be making sure to point out that Dsis may really enjoy her spontaneous nights out, but Mummy and Daddy chose to have children and so get a whole new world of fun opened up to them, that of being part of a family! It's just a different sort of fun / adventure, and one that people without children will never experience or understand. Neither way is right or wrong, but having children doesn't mean you have less fun or adventure in your lives, it can mean you actually have more, but it's different to pre-children or no children experiences.

Lillith111 · 10/04/2023 18:48

@Glow23 talking about being child free isn’t “pushing” ideals onto anyone. Some people want kids some don’t. It’s important young people see there is lots of different ways to live a good and happy life. It’s probably more likely you push your ideals of family onto your kids than her

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2023 18:50

Glow23 · 10/04/2023 18:36

Sounds like my sister, always trying to bring up alternative ways of thinking or pushing her ideals on my DD she also has no children

@Glow23

whats wrong with exploring different ways of thinking about things with children? You don’t want them to grow up to be closed minded

Oigetoffmylawn · 10/04/2023 18:51

Wasn't inappropriate at all. I think it's great to have these honest conversations and 9 isn't inappropriate at all. Children are optional, children do remove some choices and freedoms and women aren't treated equally. Children also bring great joy, but aren't the only way to get joy.

KentishMama · 10/04/2023 18:54

I'm a mum, and my eight-year old boy certainly knows what a gender pay gap is, and why equitable treatment really, really matters. He's smart enough to have a conversation about a complex topic like that, if I explain it well. So what the heck is wrong with that?

I really think you're being unreasonable here.

vaccinistatotebagchicbarista · 10/04/2023 19:00

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

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Surely this is a good way to show her that women can choose the life they want for themselves? Yes what your sister has said is a little OTT (this could be challenged with her) but there is some truth there, your freedom is encroached to some degree by having children. It’s not wrong for DD to know that, and if anything it’ll let her think twice before deciding to rush into having children herself, or deciding if she wants children altogether

Xmasbaby11 · 10/04/2023 19:00

I don’t get it. I have this type of conversation with dd9 quite often. She’s very curious about what it means to be a woman, to work, to have kids. I think it’s v important to not have realistic ideas about adult life. And that not having kids is a valid choice. She’s not too young imo.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/04/2023 19:01

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 19:45

She hasn't said you're not having fun because of her. She's just said that children limit your opportunities, which they do, and that's why she's personally not had any.

This.

And frankly in the present economic, climate and geopolitical circumstances, I think it's a major disservice to girls and young women to raise them with the assumption that having kids is the norm and the default lifestyle.

You need to be reminding your child that producing offspring should be a conscious choice AND very well thought-out and planned for with a stable and committed partner. And that there is nothing wrong with choosing to be childfree like auntie did.

(Obviously you don't need to hammer it in for a 9 year old, but as she grows up, she needs to know she has options.)

vaccinistatotebagchicbarista · 10/04/2023 19:01

Also your DD should absolutely know what the gender pay gap is and how this affects her. That is a reality you shouldn’t hide from her.

cansu · 10/04/2023 19:01

rather an over reaction on your side. I am struggling to see the big deal.

restingbitchface30 · 10/04/2023 19:06

What on earth are you bothered about? Am I missing something? I’m going out on a limb here but maybe you are the problem in your relationship with your sister.

Elle2018 · 10/04/2023 19:09

I don't mean to be rude but you do sound like you are babying your children somewhat. There's nothing wrong with broadening their minds they will either engage or be bored and switch off. I can't see anything wrong in what your sister said, maybe you are letting your poor relationship colour your reaction. Would you have reacted the same if another family member had said it?

boxtrot · 10/04/2023 19:10

I'm trying to remember when I started having these conversations - but it was just embedded into day to day chat. This was thirty years ago and my mother faced serious sexism and pay gaps at work. We talked about it all - and politics too. V v odd not to want your kid even aware of these things.

BigFatLiar · 10/04/2023 19:11

We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers

She hasn't said you're not having fun because of her. She's just said that children limit your opportunities, which they do, and that's why she's personally not had any

What she said was true but the way she put it was your mum and dad don't have the freedom because they need to look after her and her brothers. Makes it a bit personal. I'd be annoyed if OH said it was because of me and our children he wasn't enjoying the single life. It's true though but what the statement leaves out is that he loves being a dad is actually enjoys family life. The reality is married men don't (or shouldn't) be enjoying the single life but enjoying the life they've chosen.

Being a parent is a lifestyle you choose and hopefully enjoy. Aunty's ignored this and suggested mum and dad don't have so much fun because they have children (her).

Obi73 · 10/04/2023 19:15

Get a grip! You’re being ridiculous - your daughter needs to form her own opinions by listening to those around her and thinking for herself.
Being a working mum is tough but it doesn’t stop you having fun, thats what babysitters are for.

Buffs · 10/04/2023 19:20

Your sister sounds like a fabulous eccentric aunt who has a great relationship with your children. Let her say what she pleases it will not damage your children. They will come across a lot of people with a lot of strange views, that’s life.

Invadersmustdie · 10/04/2023 19:20

I hope to god when you say DH is doing bath time you just mean running it or you have younger kids. No one needs to do bath time with a 9 year old girl. You sound weird OP, sounds like your girl could benefit hugely from more time with her Auntie

custardlover · 10/04/2023 19:23

I realise the OP has gone but just feel moved to write how fundamentally I disagree with her POV. I speak to my 9yo about all sorts of real world issues like inequality in an appropriate way but one which equips him with understanding, empathy and the ability to be curious and have critical thought. I meet so many ignorant adults which isn't their fault but presumably it's this sort of attitude which got (and keeps) them there. I think it's great to engage with children in an open way that acknowledges they are real thinking humans!

T1Dmama · 10/04/2023 19:29

I totally get it xx
Thankfully we don’t all put socialising and partying above settling down and having kids..
I would tell DD that once you have kids pleasure comes in different forms, a night out takes more planning but is no less fun… also that as we age our priorities change,…. We get less selfish and put each other first!….. their dear aunt only needs to think of herself & as a result is selfish …. Not everyone wants kids.. but I bet she calls on yours when she’s old and lonely and no longer able to go clubbing

HaggisBurger · 10/04/2023 19:32

Gotta love an AIBU when the OP is told by the vast majority she is, and then studiously ignores it.

@Yellobird - you realise “politics” isn’t porn, right. Your sister is engaging with your kids about the world around them. Sounds like she is interesting and fun. It’s very easy to present the other side of the argument to your daughter - yes being a parent means your Dad and I can’t decide to go out at the drop of a hat - but we prefer it that way. Being a parent is a choice we made and we love it. Your auntie has made a different choice and that’s ok.

I doubt hugely that your daughter is suddenly going think she’s unwanted just off the back of this.

I think you need to relax. A lot.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2023 19:40

T1Dmama · 10/04/2023 19:29

I totally get it xx
Thankfully we don’t all put socialising and partying above settling down and having kids..
I would tell DD that once you have kids pleasure comes in different forms, a night out takes more planning but is no less fun… also that as we age our priorities change,…. We get less selfish and put each other first!….. their dear aunt only needs to think of herself & as a result is selfish …. Not everyone wants kids.. but I bet she calls on yours when she’s old and lonely and no longer able to go clubbing

@T1Dmama

iM so glad not everyone want to “settle down” - how boring would that be

Daisy352 · 10/04/2023 19:46

I’m sorry but you are being unreasonable. Personally I agree with the whole gender pay gap not being a lunch conversation, but it’s not like your sister told your DD it’s her fault you can’t live your life. She just stated it’s easier for her to just up and go because she doesn’t have any responsibilities. It’s the truth.

tbh this whole thing just sounds like you have deep seated issues with your sister, and because of this, you’re predisposed to picking at things most wouldn’t.

If you think your DD is going to get it into her head that she and her brothers are holding you and your husband back, you could just casually mention when you’re giving her a cuddle that this is your idea of a good night