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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 14:49

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!!”
It's quite an extraordinary thing to say, isn't it? Sounds so suffocating.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 10/04/2023 15:24

I like the sound of your sister. She’s not afraid to discuss real life with children.

BMW6 · 10/04/2023 16:37

I have several siblings and nieces and nephews since I was 18.

I didn't marry until late 40's and never wanted to have children. I had a career, my own home, holidays with friends, family, and several on my own.

If I was asked why I didn't have children I always replied that I liked to be only responsible for myself, and I liked the freedom being childless brought.

None of my siblings ever got the hump with my choice or views - quite the opposite, they were glad their children were seeing an example of a different lifestyle and the pros and cons of choices made.

I think OP has a backstory with her sister that she hasn't divulged. Resentment? Jealousy?

MavisMcMinty · 10/04/2023 16:46

I suspect OP thinks her sister pities her trad-wife lifestyle and sees every remark as part of that belittlement. OP may also feel politics is of no concern to her, that “they’re all the same anyway”, and that it’s unfeminine to be opinionated and political. Just guessing, obviously, but that’s the most interesting aspect of this thread, what’s BEHIND the conflict?

GoodChat · 10/04/2023 16:50

CovertImage · 10/04/2023 08:13

I don't know why you're all bothering, OP flounced about 6 pages ago, last night.

She flounced then carried on arguing. My favourite kind of flouncer Grin

bringincrazyback · 10/04/2023 17:10

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 21:39

Your children are 9 and 15 and your husband was"doing bathtime"? You really do infantilise those kids, op...
Haven't you ever gone out without them?

OMG this! Even if 'bathtime' is only for the 9 y/o, she's way too old for that.

MyStarBoy · 10/04/2023 17:20

YADBU
What a stupid and insensitive thing to say to a 9 year old.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2023 17:20

MyStarBoy · 10/04/2023 17:20

YADBU
What a stupid and insensitive thing to say to a 9 year old.

@MyStarBoy

how so?

mel71 · 10/04/2023 17:51

I have two sisters without children - I am the only one with children. When youngest was a baby and screeching my sister asked me if I should have got a puppy instead - it would be house trained by 8 months. I still chuckle now

Thisisnotreallymyname · 10/04/2023 17:54

You’ve made this far more important than it is. When your sister had gone you should have just laughed and said how we all have different opinions.

Wtf2023 · 10/04/2023 17:56

etsiketsi · 09/04/2023 19:44

It’s an opinion. Personally I’m for children being exposed to opinions that differ. What do you feel the effect of your sister saying this will be on your daughter?

Absolutely this. Well done to your sister to let your daughter know she has many options in life!

oosha · 10/04/2023 18:01

I’m not sure I get what you are so upset about tbh….

FreddieMercurysCat · 10/04/2023 18:09

She’s been honest about her life. I really don’t see what you’re upset about. Maybe your kids like her because she speaks to them on a more equal footing. I certainly did when I was a kid.

AnnieSnap · 10/04/2023 18:12

I don’t get the problem with a 9-year-old girl learning that not all women want to be mothers and want a lot of independence. She knows that others like yourself want different things and she will make her own decisions as an adult. Why are you trying to keep other points of view from her? Of course YABU!

Crocodilekneecaps · 10/04/2023 18:19

Op is long gone, it’s probably bath time

GoodChat · 10/04/2023 18:20

Crocodilekneecaps · 10/04/2023 18:19

Op is long gone, it’s probably bath time

Savage Grin

Roselilly36 · 10/04/2023 18:21

Got to be appearing in the DM sometime this week, just to ridiculous, to be genuine.

buzylizzy1 · 10/04/2023 18:24

I don't really understand what has upset you so much over this ,yes it was phrased a bit tactlessly but it actually is true and unless your daughter is upset by it I can't see the need to make it an issue by discussing it with your DD. However if she asks you about it then it would be a perfect time to say how you are much happier staying home with her than going out and about.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 10/04/2023 18:25

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

It sounds like the sort of conversation my dsis would have with my 15 year old DS. Both of them enjoy it.

MaryShelley1818 · 10/04/2023 18:30

Your sister sounds interesting. I'm sure there's a positive reason your DD likes her so much, can't see anything wrong in what she said.

FarmGirl78 · 10/04/2023 18:32

I understand. My niece is a similar age and she would have got upset that Mummy and Daddy wanted to be out doing fun things and couldn't because they had to stay home and look after her. She'd be upset for her Mummy that she was missing out on fun. Sensitive little soul. Last year we went to Eureka children's museum and she saw how babies grow in Mummies's tummies and despite my reasurrances that It was all ok she was upset the whole way home in the car that it hurt Mummy when she was born. Everyone reassured her but a year later she still ponders it and asks about it from time to time.

While its good that children learn about different opinions your DSis was a bit daft to put forward the idea that it was YOUR opinion, when its just HERS. She could have instead said Mummy and Daddy love staying home looking after her and her brother, but SHE would rather be off going to watch comedy.

So long as your Daughter hasn't thought twice about it there's no problem. But as you've said she's a thinker maybe tell her that Auntie was silly to think that she thinks the same way, and OF COURSE Mummy and Daddy would rather be at home with you both.

Chevybaby · 10/04/2023 18:34

TheEarlofButties · 09/04/2023 19:47

9yo girl learns that parenting is hard and women are disadvantaged from aunt who has meaningful conversation with her?! i’d be in there backing up what she said tbh

This! Love this aunt

Pluvia · 10/04/2023 18:34

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

It's true though, isn't it? The fact that you seem to think it's outrageous that you might want a night out with your DH is bizarre to me. Do you never do anything without the children?

It's great for your daughter that she sees women making different choices and understands the consequences of those choices. I certainly did things with my nieces when they were growing up — things that I thought we'd all enjoy.

Why are you so angry? Are you envious of her greater freedom?

minimonkey11 · 10/04/2023 18:35

Oh god. AIBU? 93% say yes! OP: i am not engaging

Norriscolesbag · 10/04/2023 18:35

What’s so wrong about this? At least she recognizes how much harder it is for parents with young children and is honest about it not being for her- and making it clear not everyone has to go down the married/ kids route. I don’t see any faults in what she said at all?