Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

[Yellobird]

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

As a mouthy 9 year old, I'd love to have been discussing the gender pay gap!

Sadly I don't have daughters but a friend once posted an article on Facebook about how we often gravitate to complimenting girls (that aren't our daughters) on their appearance rather than what they've read, their hobbies or what subjects they enjoy at school. I was guilty of it with my nieces so I've made an effort to find other things to talk about with them (although not yet the gender pay gap!).

As others have said, we interpret conversations differently as adults and it probably went in one ear and out the other of the kids. My brother has become a passionate convert to a very strict form of Islam and says some things to the kids which definitely don't represent our views as parents. But we can't shield our kids from opinions we don't agree with and it's interesting for them to hear someone else's perspective than just their parents.

Are you really bored by the Trump issue? That's a pity. But it's a distinct possibility that your 15 year old isn't, and is glad to have someone to discuss political issues with. 15 year olds tend to discuss politics in school and are often very politically engaged. It's not something to be sad about at all, if I were you I would want to encourage it.

I don’t think DD is too young to learn that she has other options in life than getting married and having children.

It’s good to give her other perspectives and options; not everyone wants to have kids and family time op- maybe she’ll want a different path like her cool Aunty

From what you’ve said your DSis said, she didn’t tell your DD that she’s the reason you don’t have fun.

I don't think it hurts children to know something about the sacrifices parents make for them.

Emotional blackmail, no. But if children understand that parents do give up a lot to put them first then they're less likely to grow up entitled.

OP you seem terrified that your DD might ever get an inkling that parenting her is hard for you and involves sacrifices?

I teach 9 year olds and they very much do understand these topics and want to discuss them.

I don't know how I survived my upbringing if parents aren't supposed to talk politics and society with their children! A good dinner time political debate was commonplace in my own household growing up. Nothing was off limits, and I still thank my parents for that today.

My 12yo ds isn't interested in politics necessarily, but we often talk about issues around equality, race, gender, sexuality etc. As a result, he's a balanced, caring, sensitive, aware young man who will become a balanced, caring, sensitive,.aware man.

We've often spoken to him about our choices. He knows we love him with every fiber in us, he also knows we sometimes appreciate a little 'us' time and that family life can be pretty overwhelming at times (he knows this more than most as his little sister is ND). I don't think what your sister said was inappropriate at all. Your reaction though does tend to suggest you're a little insecure about the strength of your own relationship with your dc.

my sister as 2 girls at 9years old they already new about periods / puberty /war that some people dont want kid they have a choice etc there now adults 1 never had kids but i think parents now days try and cover up alot and keep kids in a bubble to much its a big world out side .

Thinking about this my DC were 12 & 9 in 2016, they absolutely knew all about Brexit. DS stayed up to watch the results with me and again in 2017 and 2019. During the whole prorouging parliament chaos we had the TV on and talked about it. How strange to think a 15yo wouldn't be interested.

I don't think she's done anything wrong tbh.

An average 9yo is capable of hearing different opinions.

I have a 16yo and he wanted a refresher on Trump because he could only remember him saying the stuff about building a wall. Luckily the keywords "January 6" had him remember stuff like the Q Shaman guy.

No, she said OP and her husband couldn’t spontaneously go and do something because they’re responsible for their children. Which is true, and hardly a devastating piece of knowledge for children to acquire.

She didn’t say that this was a bad thing, or cause for resentment. She also didn’t say the OP wanted to be able to spontaneously go to comedy clubs or whatever, just that she valued the that particular freedom she has through not having children.

Not having children if you don’t want them isn’t a sad thing at all, quite the opposite in fact, and there’s no reason why the DD shouldn’t know that it’s absolutely a choice she is free to make if she wants to.

Yes, the hysterical hype is quite something.
Reassure your daughter that you wouldn't abandon her for a night out... Wtf!
Some people must live such suffocating lives. Maybe their kids will bolt as far as they can as soon as the leash is loosened.

I’ve got an eight year old and a fourteen year old. My eldest is very politically engaged, and with what’s happening in this country it’s good that the young aren’t just ignoring politics.

Those who are unengaged politically are causing massive problems, my kids won’t be among them.

I don’t see why you are so angry? She gave an example if one thing you can’t do with kids to illustrate her point? What do you think this will cause? Your Dd to never have kids?

Obviously parents can’t go out as much. It wouldn’t hurt your DD to know that you choose being with her over shows or clubs.

Talking about things is great for child development. Your DD will make her own mind up. I think you’ve overreacted.

I’d wager the OP, and her sister, came in for similar pressure - and part of the reason the OP disapproves of her sister so much is that she didn’t toe the line. Worst of all, she didn’t even want to. A lonely old maid of a sister is someone you can pity; maybe reassure with an “Awwh, you never know; it could still happen” if you’re feeling generous.

Except the OP’s sister doesn’t actually need to be pitied. She’s happy. Central Casting offered her the role of Bitter Old
Spinster, but she said “No thanks - I’d much rather play the Fun Auntie”. And the OP is panicking that her daughter might see that and think “Ooh, that does look fun”. Because while you can pity a spinster sister, a spinster daughter is just an embarrassment.

Wasn't wrong to tell the child that it's OK to be single and happy. Wrong for her to phrase it in a way that implied that if it wasn't for her and her brothers her mum could be having fun. Makes it sound like it's her fault and not a conscious decision on the part of her parents. I'm single I get to have fun, your parents have you they don't. People get their pleasure differently, she missed that bit out.

I genuinely can't believe people live in such a bubble.
Children are aware their parents can't go out because of them, most are aware it is a sacrifice their parents are happy to make and life goes on.

And/or OP thinks life should have rewarded her for making the right choices, and she’s resentful that her sister’s not miserable, is loved and appreciated (even admired) by OP’s children, and is in better position finance and lifestyle wise (I suspect, reading between the lines).

Telling your dd you can’t go out is wrong, however the Trump conversation is something my year 8 form group raise a lot. Kids are very aware of him and have very strong opinions on him.

You sound like hard work. Your sister did nothing wrong.

Oh, come onnnnnn.......🙄

“As if DH and I would even want to do that!!!”

as if you never fancy going out on an evening to a bar or whatever just you and your DH? Why not? Get a grip, it’s a completely normal thing to want to do every so often!

@Yellobird

i actually think you could do with a night out OP - might help you be less uptight