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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
EllandRd · 10/04/2023 03:39

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

Everyone is you who has the issue, but still you refuse to listen.🙄

ShandaLear · 10/04/2023 03:55

Your sister sounds great, and my DD at 9 (also a thinker) loved, and still loves, conversations like this. I can see why your kids like her, and it’s refreshing for them to be exposed to a range of opinions.

mrsplum2015 · 10/04/2023 03:56

Unbelievable!
I started to think it's the sister posting as a reverse, until op flounced off!

I welcome people who educate my children in these topics, my dds and my ds. We would routinely talk about politics at the table between my 14 yo son, 9 yo daughter and 18 yo daughter (studying politics)

I also have older stepsons who come over for dinner and join in the discussions. Why would my dd (9) not be allowed to hear or join in, ridiculous.

I really thought we were going to be hearing about something sexual or violent or drugs/illegal behaviour

GADDay · 10/04/2023 04:17

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

Nope. Disagree.

It's never to early to encourage critical thinking about issues that are current. You have massively overreacted and my impression is that you may be jealous of your sister's lifestyle.

Your children will not wilt by being exposed to different ways of doing things.

GADDay · 10/04/2023 04:18

too early .... arghhhh

Ponderingwindow · 10/04/2023 04:20

I started talking to my dd about the gender pay gap when she was 3. She is a girl. She needs to understand the economic system she lives within and the steps she can take to mitigate some of its impact.

your DD’s aunt simply provided her with another perspective on life. No harm was done whatsoever.

lala2023 · 10/04/2023 04:21

@custardbear
What a horrible post. Do you actually have any friends in real life ? You seem rather smug and ignorant
Yuck

lala2023 · 10/04/2023 04:22

@Yellobird

You are doing a massive disservice to your children

GADDay · 10/04/2023 04:28

I suspect that the OP is a tradwife.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 10/04/2023 04:57

It's good that your children have at least one intelligent adult in their lives.

Rosula · 10/04/2023 05:23

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

What's inappropriate about a 15 year old talking about Trump? I'm just baffled.

AwaaFaeHom · 10/04/2023 05:34

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

That doesn't appear to be what she said though?

She said she likes her free time, and that you can't make last minute plans because you have children.

Surely that's so easy to counter?

The next time you are having fun with your family, you make the point that your favourite thing to do is spending time with them. Or you say that you are so happy that you have your children in your life to share these moments with. If your daughter brings it up, you tell her that your sister doesn't understand that the happiness that having a family brings you and you husband is so much more than you would have going out to a bar on a whim.

I really don't see why this is such a drama.

Greenolivetrees · 10/04/2023 06:23

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

If one conversation with an aunt makes her doubt that you love her than you have some work to do there.

Riapia · 10/04/2023 06:25

OP, this is AIBU any views expressed on here are not necessarily those of the person posting them.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/04/2023 06:31

I’d tell a dd of that age the truth - that I don’t particularly want to go to bars or clubs any more anyway!

Poopgal · 10/04/2023 06:46

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

This thread has to be a joke. You DON’T talk to your teenage daughter about what kind of treatment of women is and is not appropriate? I think your sister is frankly doing you a favour raising with your kids normal, important issues you are clearly too sheltered to raise with them. For goodness sake, you make it sound like she’s introducing them to some nasty underworld of crime and drugs and sex 😂

Wallywobbles · 10/04/2023 06:54

Your sister sounds brilliant. You sound a bit easily offended (by her). She answered a question with a good example.

Dyslexicwonder · 10/04/2023 06:59

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:42

She's nearly 40....
For all the other comments, I'm not jealous (lol) nor has it hit a nerve. Why would it when I have my beautiful little family.
I want my kids to grow up as kids. 15 is still a kid and I'm sure he was a bored as I am (but too well brought up to say so).
Haven't spoken to DD tonight, I'll raise it gently tomorrow. Thank you to those who 'get it' I'm not engaging anymore

Show quote history

Because that's so mature.

JMSA · 10/04/2023 07:01

What a huge overreaction on your part. Bonkers!

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/04/2023 07:01

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

I don't think it came across like that at all, but if you do, then tell her the truth - that people are different and that what one thinks is "fun" another might not, and your and DH's idea of fun is being with your lovely children.

Point out that yes, children are hard work, but that it's more than worth it, and anything worth having is worth working for.

And also that she has a lot of years ahead of her to make that decision for herself. She might decide to have a family one day, she might not, but she knows she has options. Even in these "enlightened" times many girls subconsciously believe that having a husband and babies is their only/ best option.

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/04/2023 07:04

Poopgal · 10/04/2023 06:46

This thread has to be a joke. You DON’T talk to your teenage daughter about what kind of treatment of women is and is not appropriate? I think your sister is frankly doing you a favour raising with your kids normal, important issues you are clearly too sheltered to raise with them. For goodness sake, you make it sound like she’s introducing them to some nasty underworld of crime and drugs and sex 😂

Show quote history

Agree.

I wish I'd been brought up more politically aware, and also not being under (not terribly subtle) pressure to find myself a husband. My DM was ashamed of me because all of her friends' daughters were married with babies and I wasn't.

LakieLady · 10/04/2023 07:13

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

God, I wish someone had spoken to me about sexual harrassment and assault when I was a child. I might have had the courage to speak out about the groping and mauling I got from the man who assualted me on a bus when I was 12, or when I was a bit older, the guy who owned the shop where I had a Saturday job if they had.

CiderJolly · 10/04/2023 07:16

Your sister sounds ace and like someone you could have a good chat with- I’m not surprised your 9 yr old loves her. There is nothing inappropriate about either of the topics you’ve mentioned.

Strange post. Must be a backstory, there’s some bitterness/resentment from you but it’s not clear why.

GizzardChops · 10/04/2023 07:24

PuddlesPityParty · 09/04/2023 21:11

I feel sorry for your sister.

Your kids are probably going to grow up very narrow minded based off your attitude OP, as you refuse to accept or acknowledge the vast majority of posters have said YABU.

I feel more sorry for her kids TBH.

I sincerely doubt the OP is self aware enough to reflect on why her kids love their aunt, but I bet it has something to do with the fact she talks to them about interesting things that their mother thinks they need to be sheltered from. Which is a bit sad when you think about it.

LordEmsworth · 10/04/2023 07:30

Do you genuinely want your children to reach adulthood believing that the only acceptable path in life is to marry someone of the opposite sex and make babies, that they'll be treated fairly and equally in all aspects of life, that politicians have their best interests at heart - well if you'll allow them to learn about the concept of a politician - and that anyone who doesn't fit your mould is wrong?

By the way, it was rude of your daughter to ask why someone doesn't have children, hope you'll be having a little chat with her about that too!