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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 09/04/2023 23:46

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

But she hasn’t. She answered a query with a simple demonstration. She didn’t say you didn’t have fun, just that it can’t be spontaneous.

major overreaction

SlightlyJaded · 09/04/2023 23:48

Did it ever occur to you that 9 year old and certainly 15 year old, might enjoy having more challenging, thoughtful, philosophical conversations? They might find politics quite interesting? Clearly you don't, but it's normal, healthy and completely appropriate to start letting them engage with things in the wider world.

You are not traumatising them or 'stealing their childhood', just because you have a conversation about politics, or literature, or art, or gender inequality or anything else that we need to teach our kids about...

Christ on a bike. This is the weirdest thing on here tonight.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2023 23:49

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

I have spoken to all of my kids, at all ages, about stuff like this. Do you think that they suddenly hit 18 and understand?! Of course they dont!

Kids are not stupid. Treat them with a level of respect and understanding that you would show an adult and 99 times out of 100 they will get it and learn as a result. Its this "age inappropriate" bollocks that has led to hundreds of thousands of young people not bothering to vote because they dont understand what they are voting for and why.

I am with your sister all the way.

SpringTimeNow2023 · 09/04/2023 23:51

You're upset! Seriously, you have nothing much to worry about if that upsets you.

NicLondon1 · 09/04/2023 23:56

It sounds like your sister is actually trying to be a really great Aunt… she was probably also put on the spot being asked about being childless.
It can’t be easy for her coming to terms with that and then having to explain it to her niece… she probably had to think of something in the spot!
perhaps try to show a bit of empathy for her..?

I don’t think she made having kids sound bad at all, she was just having to explain the positives…
It is fine for you then to have your own discussion with your daughter (aged 9 is exactly the age when kid start to really learn about the world, not too young at all)

VintageBlossomHill · 09/04/2023 23:58

Oh and I must be the worst mother ever. My 6 year old twin boys have talked for a long time about Trump and what a dick he is (obviously they don’t call him a dick) but they know he isn’t very nice to /about women, they know he wanted a build a great big wall to keep out immigrants and they know he has very dodgy hair, fake tan and tiny hands. They’re not blind or stupid.

By the way when I saw the ‘Livid’ title of your post I assumed she was stealing your inheritance, had come to Sunday lunch pissed, made a pass at your husband and told your kids and all the guests awful embarrassing stories from your youth before farting loudly and passing out face down in her gravy. Then I would be slightly Livid. I didn’t think she was having normal conversations with her niece and nephew.

is there something else going on here?

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 00:04

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

Nobody said that. Why are you creating hysteria like this?

I'm starting to think you are teasing us.

sst1234 · 10/04/2023 00:05

Threads like these make you wonder if there is a parallel universe. We live in a society where a 9 year must be shielded from a discussion about the gender pay gap because it’s oh so harmful to her as she’s a ‘thinker’.

In other news, pre-schoolers are subjected to drag story time and primary aged kids are being groomed in the classroom by teachers giving them pornographic sex ‘education’.

The priorities are all wrong.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 00:07

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

You really can't handle differences of opinion can you?

btw - DD already know you love her so much, & has noticed you are not pining for comedy clubs, or constantly booking babysitters to you can abandon her & go to bars.

sst1234 · 10/04/2023 00:08

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

I think that ship has sailed. What she’s probably being taught at school in the name of sex ‘education’ is far worse. No less than grooming. You may want to re direct your rage to where it’s really warranted.

Mamanyt · 10/04/2023 00:23

GenialHarryGr0ut · 09/04/2023 19:42

I think it's fine to say to DD that different people have different opinions and that you and her dad would much rather enjoy time at home - Auntie DS has a different opinion and that's fine as we don't all have to like the same things.

Excellent answer. And DD is plenty old enough to understand that. Choices for women is not totally inappropriate at her age. Not on that subject, and in that way.

WandaWonder · 10/04/2023 00:53

Yeah not seeing it, kids don't live in a bubble where you can control everything thing they hear

You will always find something to be annoyed about if you look hard enough

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/04/2023 01:00

This is not about what your sister said but about that fact that you clearly hate her and will find any reason at all to be pissed off with her.....

JupiterFortified · 10/04/2023 01:03

This is so weird lol. You sound a bit jealous of your sister OP.

AllAboardTootToot · 10/04/2023 01:09

You have some unresolved issues with your sister that you are just looking to be offended by her actions.

major overreaction here. Seek help woman!

sashh · 10/04/2023 01:23

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

No it wasn't obvious. And I don't think that is what she said or implied, she's saying her life is different to yours.

You have chosen different paths and you are both happy with the paths you have taken, that is a really good message to send to your DD.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 10/04/2023 01:40

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

From your responses it's great that someone is offering your daughter these perspectives.

whumpthereitis · 10/04/2023 01:51

NicLondon1 · 09/04/2023 23:56

It sounds like your sister is actually trying to be a really great Aunt… she was probably also put on the spot being asked about being childless.
It can’t be easy for her coming to terms with that and then having to explain it to her niece… she probably had to think of something in the spot!
perhaps try to show a bit of empathy for her..?

I don’t think she made having kids sound bad at all, she was just having to explain the positives…
It is fine for you then to have your own discussion with your daughter (aged 9 is exactly the age when kid start to really learn about the world, not too young at all)

It reads more like she’s chosen to be childfree, rather than she’s childless and struggling to come to terms with it.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 10/04/2023 02:06

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 19:45

She hasn't said you're not having fun because of her. She's just said that children limit your opportunities, which they do, and that's why she's personally not had any.

She told OP DD that because of her And Siblings her mum and dad don't get to go out for fun. She used the DD in the example yherefore possibly causing her to think it was her fault.
OP , you might be over reacting BUT some of the previous posters claimjnhbthey can't see the problem arectitally lacking in consideration for others. It's bleeding obvious WHY your DD may be upset and you are angry.

Woopzies · 10/04/2023 02:33

What is the point of making a thread in AIBU if you're not prepared to be told that you are U?

'AIBU?'
'Yes you are.'
'Well, I disagree with the 1600 of you who said I am U. Thank you to the 100 who agree with me.'

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 10/04/2023 02:48

Team sister. What she said was correct, I'd say any nine-year-old with a brain in her head would already know it! It's pretty clear you don't like your sister much, perhaps you should consider why your children do.

EllandRd · 10/04/2023 03:13

YABU, what has she said that you are upset over, is it not her truth?

EllandRd · 10/04/2023 03:19

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

Unclench ffs, she clearly hit a nerve, get a grip.

IreneGoodnight · 10/04/2023 03:28

Try to see it as your sister teaching your DD that with children come responsibilities.

HoppingPavlova · 10/04/2023 03:32

Can’t see that any of the conversations you have outlined are inappropriate for either age or content. So don’t get the issue whatsoever, let alone being furious about it. There must be something else going on as this is not normal.

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