Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
Jonei · 09/04/2023 22:13

I'm not sure it's an issue tbh. You just say sister doesn't want children because she wants to do her own thing, but that you really wanted your children and you love staying at home doing things with them.

End of. Surely.

Thepossibility · 09/04/2023 22:15

I have similar conversations with my children because I don't want them to think just having children is a fun a fullfilling life.
I want them to live for themselves first..study, travel, career...fun!
I think it's irresponsible to tell them having children is easy and fun.
We tell them we lived a bit first, so missing out on some fun isn't such a sacrifice.

Nimbostratus100 · 09/04/2023 22:15

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

o come on! She is 9!

for at least half her life she has been aware that parents have a more restricted life than non parents.

Unless there is some SEND you have not mentioned!?

My kids were asking me about my decision to be a parent instead of having the freedom to join my friends at the pub YEARS before this, an I just told them I had chosen to have them instead of trips to the pub and was very happy with my decision.

Why is she having conversations like this with her aunty instead of with you?

wouldthatbeworse · 09/04/2023 22:16

So what would be the right age to talk to your children (both DS and DD) about the gender pay gap?

id feel like a bad parent if I hadn’t discussed this by 9. I also like going to see comedy. I also like spending time with my children who know already at much younger than 9 that every now and then their parents like to do things that kids can’t come to.

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 09/04/2023 22:18

Your DCs aunt sounds great to me; happy to have topical, relevant conversations with youngsters.
Thinking back to when my DD was 9, I cannot imagine she would have been upset about this sort of discussion.

I think this is more about your dislike/ disapproval of your sister, @Yellobird

AutumnColour89 · 09/04/2023 22:19

When I was about 11 my aunty said to me (and my younger female cousins and sisters) that we should definitely not even thinking about having children until we're 30 so we can focus on ourselves, have some fun and make sure it's definitely what we want. That's the best advice I've ever received. And there was no negativity from my mother, who had her eldest at 25.

Now my aunty is a devoted and loving mother to my two female cousins (18 and 22) who some of the most are the most confident and bright women I know.

My sister's now just having her first baby at 32. And for me, my aunty's advice makes me feel so much more positive about the fact I can't have children. She showed me that a woman has more to offer than just breeding, and that she has a choice.

@Yellobird OP your view on what your sister said is unbelievably narrow- I'm willing to bet even as a 9 year old she isn't more than able to understand that her aunty isn't saying that being a parent has ruined your life. She's showing your daughter there are choices in life.

WideFootWelly · 09/04/2023 22:20

Aunt doesn't want kids because she wouldn't be able to do things she thinks are fun. But not everyone thinks the same things are fun. You don't find it fun to do those things all the time, your fun is spending time with family - which is very lucky for you because you get to do that every day.
Tell your daughter that. She'll know that she has options, but also that you don't resent her.

Irritateandunreasonable · 09/04/2023 22:21

You are being absolutely ridiculous.

Fairislefandango · 09/04/2023 22:26

What an extraordinary thread. Not least the suggestion that parents should need to reassure a 9 and 15 year old that they shouldn't worry because mummy and daddy would never want to have any kind of life outside of parenting. And would never want to trouble their children's heads with anything thought-provoking or challenging.

How depressing. It is good for children's children to know that they are not their parents' only focus, and that adults are individual people with opinions and interests. Babying them isn't a kindness.

Holly60 · 09/04/2023 22:26

She was trying to explain to your daughter why she has chosen not to have children. She didn't patronise her and gave her an age appropriate version of the truth.

She didn't say you aren't having fun, she said you can't spontaneously go out, which is true. All you need to do is reiterate that you made the choice to have children because you WANTED to be in looking after little ones in the evening. Then your DD can see that you and your sister have made equally valid life choices that make you both happy.

I think your sister was modelling healthy open discussion.

momtoboys · 09/04/2023 22:28

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

It wasn’t obvious and I think you are making too much out of this. Your daughter knows you and her dad love being her parents and that lifestyle isn’t what you chose.

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 22:29

All you need to do is reiterate that you made the choice to have children because you WANTED to be in looking after little ones in the evening
Speak for yourself. That's not why I had children.

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 09/04/2023 22:30

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

Nope not obvious. You are massively overreacting. Most children would know parents occasionally hire babysitters so they can go out. Or are you a complete martyr?

And the gender pay gap is real. There is no harm in talking about it.

Holly60 · 09/04/2023 22:32

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

At 15 your DC should be talking to you about politics and current affairs. In 3 years they will be voting!

Do you think that 15 and 16 year olds aren't encouraged to engage in these things at school??

ibblebibbledibble · 09/04/2023 22:33

This is so sad that you think 9 year olds can’t discuss politics. We talk about news and politics all the time in our house. They’re naturally interested in what’s going on in the world and find it fascinating.

23usrnm · 09/04/2023 22:34

I think you are being unreasonable. Your sister sounds like she is engaging your kids on real world issues (politics is not just for grown ups - it affects children too). It is true that you can’t be spontaneous once you have kids and it’s a useful life lesson for all kids but especially girls as they are statistically more likely to be picking up more of the caring duties. You sound like you have an idealised version of what childhood should be, insulated from any challenging topics. That’s not equipping your children to thrive in the real world.

Grimbelina · 09/04/2023 22:35

You are infantilising your children which is setting them up to have some big shocks later in their lives. It is perfectly possible for children to have an understanding of the world, politics etc. and enjoy their childhood. Your sister sounds great.

chaosmaker · 09/04/2023 22:35

ohfook · 09/04/2023 20:39

I think it's good that she has an understanding of the fact that having children is a choice and not a path set in stone for her.

I'm on the fence with the rest though. I don't think your sister said anything wrong but I have a very sensitive kid who would walk away from that conversation thinking he was preventing me from having fun. I think I'd just use it to remind him that different people like doing different things and I'd obviously much rather be spending my Saturday nights listening to him talk incessantly about minecraft than be four drinks deep at the comedy club with daddy.

He doesn't know sarcasm then? 😀

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2023 22:36

She sounds like a fun aunt. I was a fun aunt to my cousin’s dd. Her dd is a fun big cousin to my dd. It’s important to have these people in kid’s lives. Your dc will not love you less, they will just have a more comprehensive view of the world.

Don’t underestimate how much of an impact your sister can have on your children and do try to be happy for it. She really hasn’t said anything wrong.

If you’re concerned about your dd, I agree asking her about how she felt and answer any questions then a big hug and reassurance that you wouldn’t have it any other way because she’s great company. However, it is good for our children to know that we have a life outside of them. It gives them balance and can take the pressure off them as they grow older. No teen wants to be their parents’ world. They want to start to cut the apron strings and explore the work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2023 22:36

*the world

Minime88888888 · 09/04/2023 22:37

You don't see eye to eye with your sister. Here lies your problem.

muppetmayhem · 09/04/2023 22:40

I think your sister sounds brilliant.

Holly60 · 09/04/2023 22:43

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 22:29

All you need to do is reiterate that you made the choice to have children because you WANTED to be in looking after little ones in the evening
Speak for yourself. That's not why I had children.

That's fab to know, but your reasons for having children are totally irrelevant to this thread.

OP was looking for advice on what to say to her DD. I was merely making a suggestion.

Womencanlift · 09/04/2023 22:47

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

Oh my. This is one of the most ridiculous posts I have read in a long time. That is not an “incredible rejection”.

If you think it is then you need to open your eyes to what a lot of children are going through every day - there are a lot of rejected children out there.

Your DD is not one of them by the sound of things

EnidSpyton · 09/04/2023 22:47

You sound incredibly defensive OP.

Reading between the lines it seems you see your sister’s decision to have an independent life without children as a rejection/critique of your life choice to do the opposite, and as such you resent her.

The fact that you don’t want your sister to talk to your daughter about life choices outside of being a parent is also suggestive of you feeling threatened by any suggestion that marriage/motherhood isn’t the only life open to a woman.

I would suggest you spend some time looking inwards at why you feel so threatened by your sister and her lifestyle choices. Your sister sounds like a wonderful aunt and a great role model to your daughter to show how many possibilities there are for her when she’s older if motherhood doesn’t appeal to her or isn’t a possibility for any reason. It’s great that your kids have an adult in their life who respects their intelligence and is willing to have meaningful discussions with them. It’s a shame you can’t see that.