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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
YouSoundLovely · 09/04/2023 21:47

My 7yo dd says she doesn't want children. That is, I think, at least partly because she understands they're hard work and some things are more complex as a parent. She knows we love her and love spending time with her.

A 15yo (boy or girl) who didn't have a degree of political awareness, and awareness of sexism, has been done a disservice. I'd argue the same is true for a 9yo tbh. Politics is life. It's about the way we live together as a society. It's not some kind of strange alien thing that only affects adults.

sweetdreamstenasee · 09/04/2023 21:50

There’s no harm in your daughter having a child free role model in her life, nothing your sister said was wrong. You can explain to her that people are different and everyone had a different view of happiness and there’s no set way to do life. If you feel the need to reassure her about how loved and wanted she is then go ahead but I’m sure she already knows this so not sure why you are so furious really.

LittleRedRidingBoots · 09/04/2023 21:51

Clearly this has really bothered you, but your main worry doesn't sound like anything a conversation with your daughter won't fix.

You said you and your sister don't see eye to eye and have taken different paths - is it possible that you're taking offence at what she had said because of how you feel about her in general? Myself and my brother don't get on particularly well either and I've caught myself a few times feeling really annoyed with him when he hasn't actually done anything really wrong. I've learnt that sometimes how I feel is more a reflection on me than it is of his actions or words. Just a thought.

SwishSwishBisch · 09/04/2023 21:51

I hope you’ve been able to talk through your DDs feelings about the conversation OP. She sounds like a bright kid, and will realise your DSis didn’t mean to imply anything negative.

I did just want to add, though, that the Aunts (& Uncles) who talked to me ‘like an adult’ about real world stuff as I was growing up are some of my very favourite people now. It’s something to be encouraged I would say, assuming your kids are engaged and enjoying the conversations of course.

Hungryfrogs23 · 09/04/2023 21:52

I don't see the issue either. Most of what she said was entirely true and valid. It is ok to let your children be exposed to different view points to yours, there is no need to feel threatened by that.
If you feel it is necessary, then a simple conversation about how different people find happiness in their lives in different ways. For some travelling, others prefer to be home birds. For some, partying the night away, for others a night in at home. It doesn't make either wrong, just different. Maybe see it as a good learning opportunity for your DD that her life path is her own to choose.

childfreelifeloveit32 · 09/04/2023 21:53

at 9 - 15 years old they can wash them selfs dad doing bath time at that age crazy you sound a bit jealous of your sis tbh kids are hard work and children need to know that im child free so what would i know.

ThreeRingCircus · 09/04/2023 21:53

You didn't need to tell us you dislike your sister, your hatred of her is evident from the way you write about her. She sounds switched on and great. You're making a big deal out of nothing because you don't like her and your kids do....which isn't surprising if she actually talks to them about things going on in the world rather than babying them.

Kennykenkencat · 09/04/2023 21:53

I think a reply with why you would even want to go to a comedy club when you have children. Jokes on sister who doesn’t realise that having dc means more than sitting in some venue drinking over priced alcohol trying to find some laughter

WeWereInParis · 09/04/2023 21:53

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

I probably wouldn't choose it as a topic of conversation. But I wouldn't be "furious" over it - I don't think it's inappropriate or anything. I just wouldn't generally chat about a random political issue unless there was some reason.

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 21:55

Kennykenkencat · 09/04/2023 21:53

I think a reply with why you would even want to go to a comedy club when you have children. Jokes on sister who doesn’t realise that having dc means more than sitting in some venue drinking over priced alcohol trying to find some laughter

No, the joke is not on sister at all, who seems perfectly happy with her different choices.

ThreeRingCircus · 09/04/2023 21:55

I'm assuming DH "doing bathtime" must be for another younger child and not the 9 year old...... I hope!

PatchworkElmer · 09/04/2023 21:57

Your sister’s not done anything wrong!! She was asked and explained why she doesn’t want children. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Also absolutely nothing wrong with a 15 year old discussing politics with a trusted adult.

Lifeomars · 09/04/2023 21:57

I wish I had been exposed to alternative views on work and motherhood when I was 9 years old. I am from a generation where it was just assumed that women wanted nothing other than to be mothers. It is good to think that today it is hopefully much more of a choice. We are not all cut out to be mothers and to chose not to have children is just as valid an option as having them

childfreelifeloveit32 · 09/04/2023 21:58

i came from a large family all my sisters have kids i did not my mum of all people was the one that used to tell us( dont have kids there hard work ) looking at MN and my own sisters i made the right choice you cant keep them in wool they need to know they have choices

Bs0u416d · 09/04/2023 22:00

I think you sound mad and rather over sensitive, that seems to be the overwhelming AIBU opinion too. I'm sorry you don't like the outcome but you asked for it. If you didn't want feed back when why bother posting in the first place? I think your sister sounds fun and I think it is good for kids to be exposed to a range of people and options. If you felt so strongly about. what she said, you could have countered it on the spot. And whilst we're at it, why on earth wouldn't you and DH want to check out a bar, comedy club etc out? Your sound like you could do with it OP.

whynotwhatknot · 09/04/2023 22:00

my newphew asked me why i donidnt want kids i told him because i get to lay in whenever i want and go whereever aswell-he just said fair enough

KezzaMucklowe · 09/04/2023 22:00

Fucking hell.
I missed the bath time post too.
Wtf ?
Op, I can't believe that you are outraged that your sister has political conversations with your dc and think it's inappropriate, when your husband is doing "bath time" for a 9 and 15 year old.

SwishSwishBisch · 09/04/2023 22:02

Kennykenkencat · 09/04/2023 21:53

I think a reply with why you would even want to go to a comedy club when you have children. Jokes on sister who doesn’t realise that having dc means more than sitting in some venue drinking over priced alcohol trying to find some laughter

Fucking hell, this would be a terrible way to handle it. You can reassure a child that they are loved and that having them is wonderful WITHOUT denigrating and belittling another woman’s perfectly valid life choices or implying she’s miserable because of them!
what a toxic way of thinking

wishingitwasfriday · 09/04/2023 22:03

custardbear · 09/04/2023 20:21

You should learn to pull your sister up on those sorts of comments... perhaps something like 'don't worry DD my Aunty twat is quite selfish and really not cut out foenhaving children. Daddy and I have done the pubs and fun scene on our own and now we prefer family fun times because we've grown up!

So people who choose not to have children haven't grown up? Just because someone has a different viewpoint of life, doesn't make their choices any less valid than yours. Considering people who choose not to have children generally spend more time thinking about there decision than those who do, I'd say that's pretty grown up.

BurbageBrook · 09/04/2023 22:05

What the hell? Your sister literally said nothing wrong. She was explaining her choices from her perspective. Your child is 9, not 9 months!

Bs0u416d · 09/04/2023 22:06

custardbear sounds fun 😂

Alwayswonderedwhy · 09/04/2023 22:06

I think you're overreacting because you don't really get on with your sister. Nothing wrong with the conversation.

Hbh17 · 09/04/2023 22:08

Your sister sounds fabulous. I wish I'd had an aunt like her, who had treated me seri, broadened my horizons and shown me that I could have choices in my adult life. I think it's very odd that you are upset.

Hbh17 · 09/04/2023 22:09

Sorry, "treated me seriously"

Scirocco · 09/04/2023 22:10

I don't see what the DSis is meant to have done wrong. She's talked with a 9 year old and a 15 year old about what seem to be appropriate topics. She's giving them an example of a positive role model with different life choices from their mum and dad, which is a good thing in a lot of ways.

If OP is worried about or wants to discuss anything that happened, surely all she has to do is ask her child or children what they thought about whatever it is.

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