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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
ImAGoodPerson · 09/04/2023 21:26

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

Why doesn't she need to get into conversations about politics? At 9 she is old enough if she is interested. My DCs school held pretend elections at the same time as the last General Election, DS2 would have been a similar age. They had to look at the different policies and debate them and make up their own.

And re Donald Trump, that is a totally appropriate conversation to have with a 15 yo, quite an important one IMO.

Choccyeggs20 · 09/04/2023 21:28

Yabu everything she said is true! I have kids and many times I have chosen to sacrifice fun nights out to look after them.

As long as your dd understands that’s a choice you and most parents are happy to make because we love our children, then what’s the problem.

BCfan · 09/04/2023 21:29

You're upset because.... Your sister correctly and factually pointed out the impact having a child has on a woman's career and social life?

Ontobetterthings · 09/04/2023 21:29

Is this for real ? 🤣

Dita73 · 09/04/2023 21:30

She didn’t say anything unreasonable at all. You clearly just don’t get on with her and are looking for an excuse to moan about her

CommanderSeven · 09/04/2023 21:30

A pp has reminded me that my DD has been aware of the pay gap since she was tiny...

My Dad tried to give her brother more pocket money than her "because he's a boy and needs it more". She was tiny (not yet at school) but was able to say (in her way which I'm doing my best to remember)

"No same Grandad - same as name of brother"

Curseofthenation · 09/04/2023 21:30

I wouldn't sit down and have a talk about it to be honest. If I was going to talk about it then I would have shared my views in the moment.

I would have stated that while I couldn't go to a comedy club spontaneously, I still could with a little basic planning and that I had plenty of time doing spontaneous activities when I was younger. I'd also probably wrap the conversation up with something along the lines of 'I'm sure that Auntie x will agree with me that you've both bought a lot of joy to my life, and to her life too.'

At this stage, I would just make a point of expressing how lucky you feel to have your children in your life. For instance: 'I'm really looking forward to going to the zoo this weekend as a family' and/or 'I had such a wonderful time at the zoo with you this weekend. I really apreciate the fact we get to spend this time together as a family'.

Spreadbed · 09/04/2023 21:32

I don’t think most of what your sister was saying is inappropriate and do think it’s important to discuss such things with girls. However, I do think she was wrong to use your family as an example, and it’s something I definitely would have dwelled on as a very sensitive child.

I would broach it tomorrow and let her know that it doesn’t apply to you and you’re not being held back from anything being her parents; but that being a parent isn’t for everyone and that’s okay too.

Ivesaidenough · 09/04/2023 21:33

I have three boys, youngest is 9. I talk to them about feminism and the gender pay gap. Why wouldn't you?

Sunnydays0101 · 09/04/2023 21:33

weirdoboelady · 09/04/2023 21:19

I think @321user123 's advice is good, but I would also say something like 'yes, we have to plan more to do things because we have kids, but we also can do things that DS can't do, like going out to the pantomime as a family and having a really good time [insert own example here, obvs] and we really enjoy these times much more than just going to a comedy club or whatever'.

Such ignorant advice - imagine your DC passing that little gem to a woman who is unable to have children.

Newuser82 · 09/04/2023 21:34

Can I ask do your kids not hear the news at all like on the radio in the car or see newspapers? My son hears and reads things and asks questions which I answer honestly trying to be as age appropriate as possible. He knows all about Trump, politics (he actually records prime ministers questions) racism, men's violence against women. Everything. Has your daughter never raised any type of these questions? Any my son is 10. He has no phone, limited internet, limited screen time. He plays outside a lot and still plays with toys. He is still living the life of a child despite knowing what's going on in the world.

DoubleTime · 09/04/2023 21:35

Somebodiesmother · 09/04/2023 20:16

That's true though. Once you are a parent you can't do all the things you used to. It's not a judgement on how much you love yor child.

Show quote history

Well, I personally wouldn't see it as 'can't'. I would see it as choosing to prioritise your DC's. After all, if you really did want to leave them to go clubbing or to a comedy club instead then you can get a good babysitter, or one of you stay home whilst the other goes there with friends.

Sunnydays0101 · 09/04/2023 21:36

Surely the OP spends time alone with her DH anyway - their children are 9 and 15 - surely the go out as couple every so often.

ImAGoodPerson · 09/04/2023 21:36

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

I spoke to my boys at that age about it as they often said their school was sexist against the boys and how much better the girls had it. We had an age appropriate discussion about it all.

I don't really understand how you loving your daughter is relevant in any way to not going out. Most people do both and love their DCs as much as you do.

I don't understand why you have posted on AIBU really, most people have disagreed so you have decided not to engage 🤷‍♀️

Sunnydays0101 · 09/04/2023 21:38

We have alwaystalked to our children about all sorts in an age appropriate way - from politics to world events, natural disasters, sex education, etc, etc.

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 21:39

Your children are 9 and 15 and your husband was"doing bathtime"? You really do infantilise those kids, op...
Haven't you ever gone out without them?

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 09/04/2023 21:40

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 21:39

Your children are 9 and 15 and your husband was"doing bathtime"? You really do infantilise those kids, op...
Haven't you ever gone out without them?

Blimey I missed this gem!

Hobnobswantshernameback · 09/04/2023 21:41

<awaits deletion for real life concerns >
<as opposed to OP stripping because pretty much everyone thinks this whole scenario is batshit>

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 09/04/2023 21:41

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 21:39

Your children are 9 and 15 and your husband was"doing bathtime"? You really do infantilise those kids, op...
Haven't you ever gone out without them?

Oh I missed this 🤮

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 09/04/2023 21:42

OP you are massively underestimating your DC

Your 9 year old is reaching puberty FGS .

You sound bonkers .

mumoffourgs · 09/04/2023 21:43

This is a windup surely? Bath time at 9 and 15? The gender pay gap too upsetting for a 9 year old?

It's time to loosen those reins OP.

herlightmaterials · 09/04/2023 21:44

It was a stupid thing to say to a child, yes.

I think the gender pay gap conversation is acceptable as long as she wasn't giving your DD the idea that there's no point having goals and dreams.

The second part about your not being able to go out "because of you" suggests that it's a really good job your sister doesn't have children if that's her sensitivity level. I would check that your DD knows that everyone chooses different things according to what they find important and she is vastly more important than a comedy club.

Sunnydays0101 · 09/04/2023 21:44

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 21:39

Your children are 9 and 15 and your husband was"doing bathtime"? You really do infantilise those kids, op...
Haven't you ever gone out without them?

I thought the same myself. At 9m my children had progressed to showers and were more than capable of showering themselves.

DarkNecessities · 09/04/2023 21:46

Doing bath time?
Surely they shower/bath themselves?

I suspect your sister has concerns about you infantilising them and is trying to redress the balance

Sickoffamilydrama · 09/04/2023 21:47

Assuming you are in the UK OP then your 15 year old will be have already studied historical events that are related to politics.

If he's doing GCSE history then they are currently looking at the Korean War which is definitely related to the political leanings of two different axis powers.

What is so scary about the subject that you don't want him learning about it.

Something came up about discrimination the other day (can't remember what) but remember my 6 year old DS saying that's not fair they shouldn't treat the girls differently. It's actually important to counter a lot of what they hear at school such as the usual Boys/Girls are better etc.

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