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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 09/04/2023 21:10

I do find it slightly hilarious that u asked if u was being unreasonable, the majority has said yes definitely and then u have responded I'm not I'm out! 😄 and yes I agree with majority. I definitely respect posters who after reading the responses do some reflection and it makes them realise that maybe they are wrong or overeacted. I do think there is definitely more to the not liking ur sister with the going down differentpaths (like its a bad thing) and she is nearly 40!
Being wrong isn't nessasery a bad thing it shows growth.

pictoosh · 09/04/2023 21:11

Whaaaat? I have talked to all three of my kids about this stuff since they were old enough to grasp any of it. My 15 year old son LOVES talking politics.
I don't think your sister did anything wrong. You are turning it into this hand-wringing event that it never was.

I think you don't like your sister.

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 21:11

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

People love their kids and go out for the evening, op Hmm

PuddlesPityParty · 09/04/2023 21:11

I feel sorry for your sister.

Your kids are probably going to grow up very narrow minded based off your attitude OP, as you refuse to accept or acknowledge the vast majority of posters have said YABU.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/04/2023 21:11

BigFatLiar · 09/04/2023 21:00

Aren't you? Isn't raising your children a form of your best life?

People have different views on the best life for some it's travel, food, sun etc, for others it's raising a family.

I think the OPs sister tried to make a point that she'd rather enjoy herself alone than estrict herself with a family. She shouldn't have mentioned mum and dad.

Show quote history

I agree. Aunty made it personal by referring to the OP's nuclear family situation. The OP took this personally and was hurt by it and worried on her daughter's behalf.

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 09/04/2023 21:12

I just read your other updates and honestly my daughter is 7 knows about politics , environmental issues , who Trump is , the war in Ukraine etc . Giving your children capacity to learn is nit stealing their childhood at all , it’s actually empowering them to achieve more .

Smokingonthestairs · 09/04/2023 21:12

Makes a change from priming her up with baby dolls and tea parties! I think it’s great to have people like this in her life tbh.

Flowerly · 09/04/2023 21:13

The sex pay gap is something that your daughter needs to know about and surely would be an interesting conversation for her?

As for her finding out that not everyone wants kids or has to have them and that your life can be limited by the choices you make - well I think that's great!

When I was growing up I had to put up with relatives telling me that I would have children one day and that I would change my mind (I didn't). Had I had an Aunt who had pointed out that kids are not compulsory I would have loved it that I had found a kindred spirit.

Newuser82 · 09/04/2023 21:14

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 09/04/2023 19:47

Incredible overreaction

Gender pay back is worth talking about frankly.

She didn’t say that mum and dad are not having fun because of her, she said mum and dad can’t just randomly go out on a whim.

I am baffled how you’re so offended by this.

I agree. I have had conversations with my 10 year old about the gender pay gap. I've had conversations with him about why I stay at home with him and his brother rather than go to work and that I do miss it but that was what myself and their dad felt was best for them at the moment. There are few conversations that I wouldn't have with him to be honest.

PrincessScarlett · 09/04/2023 21:15

Wow! You really hate your sister don't you. Your sister has done nothing wrong. You on the other hand have completely overreacted.

HagoftheNorth · 09/04/2023 21:15

NRTWT, but surely you just explain to dc that while Aunty might like her free time and to be able to go to a bar (hence has no kids) , Mum & Dad would rather spend time with dc. It is important to consider these things before you have dc. Everyone likes doing different things, you’re glad you made the choices you did.

AlbertaAnnie · 09/04/2023 21:15

You are massively over reacting. I’m glad your daughter is having a balanced conversation. Your sister didn’t say anything out of order and you sounds like a drama queen

TeenLifeMum · 09/04/2023 21:16

My dc are 11 and 15 and have always been surrounded by the news and conversations about politics. I find this whole post really odd. My dc have a great childhood and are knowledgable, kind and imaginative. Surely you just say to dd, yes we can’t just go out with little notice but that’s choice we made because we wanted our family to include dc and we wouldn’t change that for anything!

i really don’t see the issue.

Sunnydays0101 · 09/04/2023 21:16

My 15 yo wouldn’t have been bored at all talking about American politics, in fact he would have enjoyed the conversation and appreciated his aunt chatting yo him.
Sounds like you’d have preferred him to be out looking for the Easter Bunny.

Sure you’re not just a little envious of your sister’s life???

Businessflake · 09/04/2023 21:17

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

Maybe there wouldn’t be such a pay gap if we spoke to our 9 year old children about the gender pay gap?

I honestly don’t know what you wanted your sister to say. She owned her child free status, no idea whether she’s child free by choice or not, but I think it’s good for your daughter to know and has choices in life.

Flowerly · 09/04/2023 21:17

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

How awful that you did this OP. Just because you are not confident in having serious and interesting discussions with your kids doesn't mean that no one else should! Your sister sounds great to me.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/04/2023 21:19

For all the other comments, I'm not jealous (lol) nor has it hit a nerve. Why would it when I have my beautiful little family.

I think this is the problem. You love family life and see parenthood as aspirational. You’re struggling with the fact that your sister doesn’t.

Eyesopenwideawake · 09/04/2023 21:19

Bugger. So that's why my brother was a bit nervous at me telling my 7 year old nephew that in a few years we'll go clubbing together....

weirdoboelady · 09/04/2023 21:19

I think @321user123 's advice is good, but I would also say something like 'yes, we have to plan more to do things because we have kids, but we also can do things that DS can't do, like going out to the pantomime as a family and having a really good time [insert own example here, obvs] and we really enjoy these times much more than just going to a comedy club or whatever'.

DarkNecessities · 09/04/2023 21:20

A massive overreaction. It’s also great for your DD to see another perspective on life.

I also suspect your DH would love to check out a new bar or comedy club.

SquareRootOfAllEvil · 09/04/2023 21:21

DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children

I’d be more concerned about teaching your DD not to ask questions like that than anything your sister said

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 09/04/2023 21:21

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:42

She's nearly 40....
For all the other comments, I'm not jealous (lol) nor has it hit a nerve. Why would it when I have my beautiful little family.
I want my kids to grow up as kids. 15 is still a kid and I'm sure he was a bored as I am (but too well brought up to say so).
Haven't spoken to DD tonight, I'll raise it gently tomorrow. Thank you to those who 'get it' I'm not engaging anymore

Show quote history

Maybe he’s interested and glad that someone is conversing with him on a young adult level?! You sound like you infantilise your children. There’s nothing wrong with political chat in an age appropriate way, jt leads to engaged, articulate young adults!

Flowerly · 09/04/2023 21:22

SquareRootOfAllEvil · 09/04/2023 21:21

DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children

I’d be more concerned about teaching your DD not to ask questions like that than anything your sister said

I think that this is fine in the context given which seems to be very open.

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 09/04/2023 21:22

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/04/2023 21:19

For all the other comments, I'm not jealous (lol) nor has it hit a nerve. Why would it when I have my beautiful little family.

I think this is the problem. You love family life and see parenthood as aspirational. You’re struggling with the fact that your sister doesn’t.

I definitely think this hits the nail on the head.

ImAGoodPerson · 09/04/2023 21:23

BakedTattie · 09/04/2023 19:58

Wtf is going on with MN tonight?! I know the holidays bring out all sorts but 🤷🏼‍♀️

must be a full moon

I was just about to post the same thing. People must be really bored over Easter. Maybe they should pop to mass for 3 hrs for something to do 🤣

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