To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

[DrMaxwell]

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

Co parenting without flexibility is not the way forward.

Pp said they didn’t

She's shouted and sworn at both of us in front of the kids several times before now.

She tried to get the kids GP and schools not to communicate with DP about them.

And now refusing to communicate with their other parent even though they have the kids 50/50.

She's sounding very controlling herself.

No she can't be. She's a woman. The ONLY reason she'd be acting so unreasonable is because her ex is abusive and controlling. There's no other reason because as we know, women can't just be unreasonable themselves.

No she can't be. She's a woman. The ONLY reason she'd be acting so unreasonable is because her ex is abusive and controlling. There's no other reason because as we know, women can't just be unreasonable themselves.

Well, of course, this is mumsnet after all.

I have an abusive and controlling ex who I went through court with but I've also seen women treat their children like shit, using them as weapons, etc. Outside of mumsnet, most people do realise that a person's sex doesn't dictate whether they are reasonable or not. 😄

But equally doesn’t mean she in undressing le just because she is a woman.

Fact is we don’t know. We do know the co-parenting between them isn’t going well.

But how can anyone say with any certainty which person it is.

She may have sworn at them because she is an arse. It also maybe reactive abuse and the Op is this man’s current ‘flying monkey’.

She could have tried to stop the school or GP communicating with him because she is a controlling arse, it happens. It could also be because he has used the school and GP to cause further issues, that happens too.

I can’t understand how anyone can decide either way.

Women can't be controlling? What rubbish.

Well yeah but you can only go by what the OP says, as with every other post.

That’s not true. You can also use critical thinking to wonder if there’s a reason someone may act like this and feel it’s probably not clear cut.

My DP and his ex had it agreed they needed to give 7 days notice of who was doing the handover and the DC needed to know the person.

If you mean 'there is probably more to this than we know' well, yeah, obviously.

However, if OP is telling the truth and her partner's ex has been swearing and shouting in front of the kids, leaving it to them to relay important information to their other parent, trying to stop communication from their GP and demanding that they are dropped off with an unknown person for an unknown amount of time... well, she sounds controlling as fuck. They are coparenting their children on a 50/50 basis whether she likes it or not, which was apparently decided via court. There should be flexibility.

Completely agree. Yes, technically it's "her" time with the children, but she wasn't actually with them, so leaving them at a childminders instead of letting them stay with their actual parent for a few extra hours is weird behaviour. Surely they would prefer to be at their father's house for a few extra hours instead of being packed off to a childminder?

Sometimes co-parenting without flexibility is the only way forwards

Op states that when they are together it has erupted into swearing so surely using a third party is the sensible option?

No I don't think anyone can decide either way truly without all the facts.

But based on what we have here, I don't think it's automatically controlling and twat behaviour from the dad and I can understand why he'd want to know/keep them. AND I also think people would be much more understanding if it were a mother in OPs partners position and posting here.

People are very very quick here to make assumptions based on not really anything at all, certainly no facts, that the guy must be an absuive prick using this situation to control his ex rather than just a dad being concerned about dropping his children off somewhere for an unknown amount of time and preferring to just keep them with him as he's able to and their mum is out of the country currently and refusing to say when she'll be home. And I am almost certain that most mothers would feel the same as him in a reversed situation.

And I am also certain that no one would be as interested in the backstory if it were posted by a mother about her ex husband. The ex would almost certainly not be given the benefit of the doubt in that situation that maybe he was abused and controlled by the OP (mother) and that's why he's refusing to say. He'd almost certain be labelled a game player and so on. Because this place finds it almost impossible at times to admit any fault may actually lie with a woman.

No that’s not what I mean. What would be the point of Aibu, if no applied thinking outside what the op said?

i think op is telling the truth about her shouting and swearing. I already addressed that situation. But I will do it again. It could be the mother being awful. It could reactive abuse and op is dropping it to try and strengthen their post. We don’t know.

The fact that it’s court ordered maybe the exact reason why flexibility, isn’t the best thing.

The person who was having the kids, isn’t unknown. They are known to the mother and probably the kids. As childminders don’t usually take on kids they haven’t met. Again, calling this person an unknown person is putting biased language on it to make it sound like the mother wants their child leaving with a complete Stranger to her.

You are applying thinking outside what the Op wrote. Op even said they didn’t know if the childminder was known to the mother. It’s highly unlikely they are unknown and taking on the kids for a few hours. Yet you have decided the childminder is unknown to everyone.

So why can’t people apply thinking outside what the Op wrote to have a different opinion?

Yeah, I don't think many parents aspire to that...

Of course they don’t.

Who would? That doesn’t mean that sometimes because either parent OR both make it that way.

What would be the point of Aibu, if no applied thinking outside what the op said?

I don't necessarily disagree but it only ever applies when it's a thread about a man with a possibly unreasonable woman.

If the mother posted here in this exact situation I'd be very happy to bet my house that the responses wouldn't be 'maybe OP abused and controlled her ex husband and that's why he won't say, come on think outside of what's been said people'. It wouldn't happen.

Based on the info we have, I don't think the dad is an unreasonable twat. If OP comes back and says well yeah actually she doesn't want to see him at handovers because he was arrested for domestic violence against her then fair enough but that is a pretty big assumption when we have no real info. So on the face of it no, he's not unreasonable.

Yet you have decided the childminder is unknown to everyone.

The childminder is unknown to the dad. I think you have an agenda tbh.

As the parents don't get along, the use of school or a childminder as handover point is a good idea as it means the children not witnessing any conflict and the parents being spared arguments with their ex. The mum will be stressed because of her circumstances so I can see why she'd rather see the childminder than ex.

Well then, poor children.

But OP has said he was happy to drop off with a childminder? He wanted to know how long it would be for? I think most of us would ask the same if handing our kids over to a third party.

What agenda? The agenda of ‘we can’t really tell’. Yes what an agenda. Suggesting there could be 2 versions of this story that are very different and it’s difficult to judge Ops dp or his ex?

Yes the childminder is in unknown to the Dad but known to the mother. Like lots of childcare providers are when the parents aren’t together.

Whats your agenda?

Yes I agree. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen and it’s not the best choice in a bad situation.

But OP has said he was happy to drop off with a childminder? He wanted to know how long it would be for? I think most of us would ask the same if handing our kids over to a third party.

So the issue isn’t that the child minder was ‘unknown’ to him.

and if she answered and was a bit late? Again, as we don’t know the dynamic between the 2 parents, we can’t say He is definitely there or that. Neither can we say she is this or that.

It’s really not that difficult. You appear to really dislike someone not agreeing with you.