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AIBU?

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Original poster

To just hate myself so much

128 replies

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 05:09

I'm a relatively normal functioning adult woman. I'm a professional, single mum, happy with my lot. I live a nice life, I have amazing family and really close and supportive friendships. However, I've never been good in relationships, all my insecurities come flowing out and I feel uneasy when I'm in one just waiting for the person to leave.

I haven't dated in 6 years so thought I was maybe ready. I met someone who I really liked and have been dating them for the past 6 weeks. But last night I got so drunk, in the house alone, was on the phone to them for a bit. I can't really remember but it seems we ended the conversation and I then tried to call them back, they didn't answer and so I text, 'fuck you then'! Blush

I then messaged, 'sorry I'm obviously psychotic so I'm just going to pull out of this. Take care.' They just replied, 'God'.

I am so upset, I've totally messed it up. I don't know why I got into that state, I'd been so happy all day. Also today was the first I told my friends about them and now I'll have to go back and say oh never mind that. It's like I purposely self sabotage.

I just honestly hate myself today. I don't even know whether to text them today or whether it's still salvageable or should I just leave it.

I'm so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 05:18

I think probably for their sake I'm best to just leave it as is and not contact. It's all too intense, I clearly have my issues and it's not fair to bring someone in to it. No one should tolerate being told fuck you so I don't think I'll message again.

OP posts:
Palmface · 09/04/2023 05:22

Hi op i didn't want to read and run. Did he know you were drunk? I think a huge apology to him wouldn't go astray. You did a bit of a self pity- filled follow up instead of owning it. Something like "i am so sorry for how I behaved the other night. I drank too much, which isn't an excuse, but I clearly behaved really badly and hope you can forgive me. Can we chat?"

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 05:28

It comes across you were just a bit too drunk - you said you like him.

I'd send a daft text today making light of it. He's heard worse, I'm sure!

So I am not a god, I am goddess, or wino speaking, whatever really. Put a sorry at the end. Don't beat yourself up, you sent a drunken text which wasn't too offensive.

mamacattiva · 09/04/2023 05:30

Alcohol really does bring out the worst in some
people, especially those with deep rooted issues. Have you considered quitting drinking? If you really like him then you can apologise and explain that from now on you’re not going to
be drinking to ensure you never behave like that again towards him or anyone else. The best apologies are changed behaviour.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 05:33

It sounds like you're anxious about dating again and feel vulnerable. This really isn't the worst thing in the world though, explain you were drunk and silly. Hope it works out.

JamNittyGritty · 09/04/2023 05:42

Agree with the others, a text today owning your behaviour, maybe explain the self sabotage & vulnerability and apologise. It may not fix the relationship but you will feel better that you didn’t let the drunken messages last night be the last impression he has of you

Battlecat98 · 09/04/2023 05:44

Oh op you must feel awful but, pick yourself up, you made a mistake, own it. For peace of mind I would probably text to say you had too much to drink, and that you are sorry and leave it there. I think this will make you feel better in the long run. Write this one off, start again and learn from it. Please don't beat yourself up. we all make mistakes.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 05:50

To be frank if he's that easily deterred he's not worth having.

Bloke on a training course years ago said that his new girlfriend projectile vomited over him. She'd overdone it. It sort of made me smile as I could see he cared about her and just wanted her to be safe.

So yep, apology/jokey text today and it would be nice to hear it works out. It's bound to make you feel exposed if you have been celebate for years.

Babsexxx · 09/04/2023 06:06

Your not the first and won’t be the last to make a dick move pissed moving forward I would text “sorry bit too much to drink last night” But be warned OP that if he does decide to continue moving forward he will always see a issue if you ever have a drink and wonder what version of you he will get so I’d consider being teetotal.

Doesn’t help much that you don’t remember the conversation either could he have said anything to you out of term to get that reaction? Probably not and you where just pissed and wanted to continue conversation I think.

Don’t beat yourself up over it draw a line and move forward all you can do is apologies! At least then you will think yeah I goofed but I sung my sorries.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 09/04/2023 06:11

Oh God that's nothing, when I think back to some of the stupid text message and phone debaucles from early in the relationship my now husband of 16 years 😂 the first time he came to my flat my computer was on and he said 'oh I'll show you the hilarious pic of me on my corporate website...' started typing and I had to watch it show up in my history drop down because I'd already THOROUGHLY googled him 🫣 I died inside and he laughed and said 'ah, I see you've googled me already...' opened the website, had a wee chat and moved on.

I was texting him and casually mentioned I was in the bath and he made a suggestive comment in his response, which I didn't read as I was in the bath then getting dressed etc, by the time I looked at my phone it had smutty comment .. follow up laughing emoji .. apology text... Further apology text... Declaration that he knew he'd ruined it... Etc etc. Meanwhile I'd been happily inviting the smutty comment and was entirely on board with that turn of events

We all do stupid stuff when dating, especially via text message, only you know if this was a relatio shop that was going anywhere. If so casually telling him to fuck off shouldn't be a deal breaker, if not, well better not wasting more time on him. Have a cup of tea and a pastry or a bacon roll and a diet coke or whatever your body needs ater too much wine. It'll all be ok.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 09/04/2023 06:15

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 05:50

To be frank if he's that easily deterred he's not worth having.

Bloke on a training course years ago said that his new girlfriend projectile vomited over him. She'd overdone it. It sort of made me smile as I could see he cared about her and just wanted her to be safe.

So yep, apology/jokey text today and it would be nice to hear it works out. It's bound to make you feel exposed if you have been celebate for years.

He's a keeper. About a year or 2 into living together with my husband we went out with some friends, had WAY too much red wine and I woke up with this vague memory of spewing all over the bathroom. Ran through to confront my mess to be met with an entirely clean bathroom, no trace of red wine vomit. For ages he maintained I cleaned myself up. Years later he admitted I fell asleep on the toilet, head on the wall and he came through, sorted me out, put me to bed and cleaned the bathroom. I've done similar for him but honestly in a real and loving relationship you leave for each other doing stupid shit.

And I know that makes me sound like an absolute wino but I hardly ever drink which was the problem really 😂

Mother87 · 09/04/2023 06:16

Forgooodnesssakenow · 09/04/2023 06:11

Oh God that's nothing, when I think back to some of the stupid text message and phone debaucles from early in the relationship my now husband of 16 years 😂 the first time he came to my flat my computer was on and he said 'oh I'll show you the hilarious pic of me on my corporate website...' started typing and I had to watch it show up in my history drop down because I'd already THOROUGHLY googled him 🫣 I died inside and he laughed and said 'ah, I see you've googled me already...' opened the website, had a wee chat and moved on.

I was texting him and casually mentioned I was in the bath and he made a suggestive comment in his response, which I didn't read as I was in the bath then getting dressed etc, by the time I looked at my phone it had smutty comment .. follow up laughing emoji .. apology text... Further apology text... Declaration that he knew he'd ruined it... Etc etc. Meanwhile I'd been happily inviting the smutty comment and was entirely on board with that turn of events

We all do stupid stuff when dating, especially via text message, only you know if this was a relatio shop that was going anywhere. If so casually telling him to fuck off shouldn't be a deal breaker, if not, well better not wasting more time on him. Have a cup of tea and a pastry or a bacon roll and a diet coke or whatever your body needs ater too much wine. It'll all be ok.

😂🤣 this poster's absolutely right OP - a lot of us have done/said/texted "stuff" in the early stages. I've often got too "giddy", felt a bit "unhinged" with the excitement/novelty. We're not machines are we...? I'd also apologise & see what happensGrin

duvetcovereddissident · 09/04/2023 06:19

Sorry you are feeling so miserable - is it worth looking at how much of a role alcohol is playing in your life overall? Could it be an issue?

Geilenk · 09/04/2023 06:22

I have done many similar drunken things and totally understand the feeling you have now. Text him to apologise. I hope it all works out. Maybe he will think it's funny.

WeAreAllLionesses · 09/04/2023 06:22

If this was a man that had done that to you everyone would be saying 'red flags' and '→→→ the hills are that way.'

Summerslimtime · 09/04/2023 07:09

I would have said the fuck you message was supposed to be jokey.

I wouldn't go into all the psychology as that's too heavy, but I would text that you got too drunk and you're sorry. I would definitely leave it at that and accept that this may be it for him.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 07:18

It's probably just nerves, not some raging alcohol problem! It's new for you to be in a relationship again.

Good luck with it, I would say this is one time you need to initiate contact, not him

tuvamoodyson · 09/04/2023 07:19

Nah….I’d have blocked you already. I have a very low tolerance for this kind of behaviour…drunken phone calls/texts, I really couldn’t be bothered with that. If a man had behaved that way towards you, you’d be getting told you’d dodged a bullet.

threeblowdries · 09/04/2023 07:26

WeAreAllLionesses · 09/04/2023 06:22

If this was a man that had done that to you everyone would be saying 'red flags' and '→→→ the hills are that way.'

Absolutely what I was thinking.

hattie43 · 09/04/2023 07:31

He obviously thinks you're batshit . Me too .

LadyWithLapdog · 09/04/2023 07:32

Apologise and accept that this may be the end with him. Be honest but kind to yourself: is alcohol a bigger problem? Eg why do you have more than a bottle of wine in the house? I’m assuming it was more than that to get you to the belligerent state. If it is, address that. Keep busy these next few days so you don’t overthink it. Good luck with this or future relationships.

MauveCow · 09/04/2023 07:34

I would cut contact with a man who said that to me because I didn't answer the phone.

You're right, it is self-sabotage. Stop hating yourself, that's a masochistic waste of time. Just revisit and consider why you do this sort of thing (get drunk alone, send these texts) and try to learn and move on. This one wasn't meant to be.

FeodoraVictoria · 09/04/2023 07:37

One stupid drunken text conversation shouldn’t be the end if you really like him. I think you should offer a sincere apology and explain you were drunk, try and apologize in person. It’s amazing how fun and healing make-up sex can be.

MauveCow · 09/04/2023 07:40

Just realised the other person's gender is fudged, so could be a woman.

Same goes.

Tomkirkman · 09/04/2023 07:41

I can’t believe people are saying that he isn’t worth having if he doesn’t accept being told to fuck off by someone who is drunk.

PP is right, if a woman posted a man she was seeing did this, people would call her an idiot if she accepted it.

That said, Op this doesn’t make you an entirely bad person. Regardless of wether he wants to live forward with you a sincere apology is needed though. You made a mistake, so apologise. But don’t shame yourself forever.

You need to work on somethings. Don’t we all? But if you are self sabotaging, you need to understand why and work on it.

Do you normally, get really drunk at home? Is this usual behaviour? Because if it is, you may want to look into that as well. Being an abusive drunk won’t do you any favours or make you happier. Has this been an issue before?