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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just hate myself so much

128 replies

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 05:09

I'm a relatively normal functioning adult woman. I'm a professional, single mum, happy with my lot. I live a nice life, I have amazing family and really close and supportive friendships. However, I've never been good in relationships, all my insecurities come flowing out and I feel uneasy when I'm in one just waiting for the person to leave.

I haven't dated in 6 years so thought I was maybe ready. I met someone who I really liked and have been dating them for the past 6 weeks. But last night I got so drunk, in the house alone, was on the phone to them for a bit. I can't really remember but it seems we ended the conversation and I then tried to call them back, they didn't answer and so I text, 'fuck you then'! Blush

I then messaged, 'sorry I'm obviously psychotic so I'm just going to pull out of this. Take care.' They just replied, 'God'.

I am so upset, I've totally messed it up. I don't know why I got into that state, I'd been so happy all day. Also today was the first I told my friends about them and now I'll have to go back and say oh never mind that. It's like I purposely self sabotage.

I just honestly hate myself today. I don't even know whether to text them today or whether it's still salvageable or should I just leave it.

I'm so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 09/04/2023 09:16

We have all done regrettable things when drunk. And the worse thing about texts is there is a record!!

Go for a nice big walk to blow the cobwebs away today and try and forget about it.

m This is a cringe moment. You’ll feel better about it soon.

Tomkirkman · 09/04/2023 09:17

WarriorN · 09/04/2023 09:13

Few men immediately apologise and spend all night worrying about it. The red flags are for the ones who think their behaviour is A OK.

Show quote history

No the red flags aren’t just for people who don’t think they were wrong.

dottiedodah · 09/04/2023 09:20

I wonder if subconsciously you are trying to sabotage your rl .sometimes we put the shutters up to protect ourselves. May be worth some counselling to get the measure of it.as far as the text goes ,so many of us have made a mistake!maybe message him and apologise. If he's the one you may get a second chance.if he's not you won't.dont fret.also if drinking is a problem maybe cut it down

Livinghappy · 09/04/2023 09:21

@tuvamoodyson 100% agree

Op, how old are you? If my adult child was in a relationship with someone who did this then I would advise them to walk away. Two factors, the alcohol and abandonment issues. A partner can't fix these...only you can.

Do you deserve a 2nd chance, yes maybe but only of you accept you need to work on your issues. Maybe commit to stopping alcohol?

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 09:25

Livinghappy · 09/04/2023 09:21

@tuvamoodyson 100% agree

Op, how old are you? If my adult child was in a relationship with someone who did this then I would advise them to walk away. Two factors, the alcohol and abandonment issues. A partner can't fix these...only you can.

Do you deserve a 2nd chance, yes maybe but only of you accept you need to work on your issues. Maybe commit to stopping alcohol?

I'm 30

OP posts:
Densol57 · 09/04/2023 09:27

Not sure if this has been mentioned OP looking at the big picture …. Look up BPD
Borderline personality disorder. Its very common and could be whats wrong with you x

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/04/2023 09:29

Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that you are a single parent, OP. As you are 30, presumably your child is still dependent on you to some extent. I think you do need to try and get some proper professional support to work on your susceptibility to alcohol, and to some aggressive behaviour which over indulgence may be causing.

I am not saying that you would in any way harm or neglect your child. But the alcohol abuse is not a good environment for a child, even if it is very infrequent.

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 09:30

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/04/2023 09:29

Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that you are a single parent, OP. As you are 30, presumably your child is still dependent on you to some extent. I think you do need to try and get some proper professional support to work on your susceptibility to alcohol, and to some aggressive behaviour which over indulgence may be causing.

I am not saying that you would in any way harm or neglect your child. But the alcohol abuse is not a good environment for a child, even if it is very infrequent.

I know what you're saying. My daughter is almost 10 and is at her dads until tomorrow. I don't drink around her at all.

OP posts:
TheCentreSlide · 09/04/2023 09:34

I think you could text and say, “I’m really sorry about last night, I was drunk and felt vulnerable and acted out. I actually really like you and would like to keep seeing you but I understand if you’ve been put off. Hope you’re ok this morning x’

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 09:36

Densol57 · 09/04/2023 09:27

Not sure if this has been mentioned OP looking at the big picture …. Look up BPD
Borderline personality disorder. Its very common and could be whats wrong with you x

Yeah I have BPD. It was worse in my teens and early twenties but has gotten much better since I've gotten older. Until I drink I suppose and then my nastiness comes out. I know it's a protection thing. It's a pattern, I've always done it with partners, I'll push them away so that I feel I'm in control of how hurt I feel. I push them away before they can hurt me. I know when I'm doing it but can't stop myself, it's like an ingrained defence mechanism.

I'm very aware of myself and my issues. It's something I do need to take care of most definitely.

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 09/04/2023 09:45

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 07:56

It's not the end of the world though, is it?

It's not like OP has been out kicking in busstops or smashing in his greenhouse, scaling lampposts.

She needs to apologise and he can entirely take it or leave it, that's up to him.

She is absolutely not a horrible person however. I'm surprised some of you are so judgey. My friends are better than this. Yes okay OP you did something daft but it's hardly like gunning people down in the street. Get a perspective. If they like each other it will work out.

Show quote history

In my opinion, I wouldn’t have any truck with this, as you rightly say, you can take it or leave it, I would choose to leave it. There’s a whole middle ground between ‘ gunning people down in the street’ and an abusive text! What a strange comparison! But of course, we are all entitled to our boundaries and that would have breached mine.

philautia · 09/04/2023 09:49

All you can do is apologise. He or she may forgive you, but it's very early on in the relationship.

I would have a think about your relationship with alcohol. Not just the amount you were drinking to get to that level of intoxication (that you told someone you like to fuck off and subsequently ended it with them yourself when they had no even replied to you) but also that you were drinking alone in your home.

Onegingerhead · 09/04/2023 09:52

I would honestly just send an apology text. He may or may not accept it but I think he deserves it. It may also make you feel better, OP.

TheSlowRush · 09/04/2023 09:53

Don’t beat yourself up, you are human, you made a mistake. Own it, if he moves on with you he might be worth keeping.

I have done much, much worse than this 😘

Cosycover · 09/04/2023 10:00

You just have the beer fear.

It honestly isn't that bad. I would just text an apology and see what he says.

BellePeppa · 09/04/2023 10:03

Even if you apologise because you were drunk I’d run a mile from you. I think maybe put dating on the back burner for a bit and spend some time (professionally perhaps?) to try and sort your head out. You’re self sabotaging. You know that Grouch Marx saying ‘I don’t want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member’ you have that mindset with people who want to date you.

Changeau · 09/04/2023 10:11

Cosycover · 09/04/2023 10:00

You just have the beer fear.

It honestly isn't that bad. I would just text an apology and see what he says.

Really? Why not just leave him alone and address your issues instead.

Smokingonthestairs · 09/04/2023 10:12

Sorry but I wouldn’t take this from a man I was dating and I’m surprised people expect a man would take it from you? You told him you were psychotic, after verbally abusing him, and I think the advice I’d give to a woman if a man had said this to her would be ‘ when someone tells you who you are, you listen’.
perhaps alcohol is not for you, and abstaining entirely would help you regulate your emotions and get to a place of self love rather than self sabotage ?
I mean this with kindness but accountability is a big part of taking control and healing.

DojaPhat · 09/04/2023 10:13

If the shoe were on the other foot I'd tell you that you'd had a lucky escape.

Take from that what you will. I hope you don't have a raging hangover tho!

BellePeppa · 09/04/2023 10:17

I know this is an MN cliche but if a man had sent that text no one would be thinking he was a good bet and that he was probably a really nice person when sober. It actually doesn’t matter how together someone is when sober, if they’re a hot mess drunk they’re not good potential partner material.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/04/2023 10:19

I think you should leave it too. If this was the other way around people would be trotting out the “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” line.

It shouldn’t be different because the sexes are reversed

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 10:21

BellePeppa · 09/04/2023 10:03

Even if you apologise because you were drunk I’d run a mile from you. I think maybe put dating on the back burner for a bit and spend some time (professionally perhaps?) to try and sort your head out. You’re self sabotaging. You know that Grouch Marx saying ‘I don’t want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member’ you have that mindset with people who want to date you.

Oh my god, I've never had it put so perfectly. That's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
carlybitmitoemam · 09/04/2023 10:25

I would text apologising for my behaviour but it would be to make amends not try to wiggle back in and continue dating. I would say something like:
I'm so embarrassed by my behaviour last night you really didn't deserve it. There's clearly a lot I need to work on. I sincerely apologise and wish you all the best.
I definitely think stopping drinking and getting counselling is a good idea for you.

carlybitmitoemam · 09/04/2023 10:27

You've not killed anyone but were a dick. It's not the end of the world. The lesson is that alcohol is no good for you and that you need to work on your abandonment issues. You've gone through a lot, one shitty night doesn't define you. send ONE text apologising and then leave it, forgive yourself too. Definitely no alcohol it really doesn't add to your life.

gonkk · 09/04/2023 10:29

'No that's wrong actually; if someone I knew was struggling I would bear with them, at least for a while.

You don't sound like a person people would want to be friends with.'
@AllIeveknewonlyou
Do you usually go round assuming how popular people are on the internet because they won't accept verbal and controlling abusive language?
Because I wouldn't accept being told to go fuck myself after 6 weeks because I didn't answer the phone..
I've got a large network of friends, and also funnily enough, they don't tell me to go fuck myself. They're incredibly nice people. I set my bar high.
You sound like a person with an incredibly low bar, if you're okay with people swearing at you if you don't answer the phone.

If that makes people to not want to be my friend, good, fine by me. Didn't fancy a psychotic new mate anyway.

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