Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just hate myself so much

128 replies

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 05:09

I'm a relatively normal functioning adult woman. I'm a professional, single mum, happy with my lot. I live a nice life, I have amazing family and really close and supportive friendships. However, I've never been good in relationships, all my insecurities come flowing out and I feel uneasy when I'm in one just waiting for the person to leave.

I haven't dated in 6 years so thought I was maybe ready. I met someone who I really liked and have been dating them for the past 6 weeks. But last night I got so drunk, in the house alone, was on the phone to them for a bit. I can't really remember but it seems we ended the conversation and I then tried to call them back, they didn't answer and so I text, 'fuck you then'! Blush

I then messaged, 'sorry I'm obviously psychotic so I'm just going to pull out of this. Take care.' They just replied, 'God'.

I am so upset, I've totally messed it up. I don't know why I got into that state, I'd been so happy all day. Also today was the first I told my friends about them and now I'll have to go back and say oh never mind that. It's like I purposely self sabotage.

I just honestly hate myself today. I don't even know whether to text them today or whether it's still salvageable or should I just leave it.

I'm so embarrassed.

OP posts:
ZeroWorshipHere · 09/04/2023 07:43

I hate angry drunks so I’d have found both of your messages completely unacceptable and it would be over between us.

I think you need to let them go and maybe seek some sort of therapy to help you navigate future relationships in a more healthy way. They haven’t done anything wrong here and after only 6 weeks of dating who needs the aggro

ZeroWorshipHere · 09/04/2023 07:45

And you don’t need to hate yourself, you reacted how you reacted it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person but I do think you need to try and address some of those issues before getting back into another relationship. You didn’t hurt anybody so do cut yourself a bit of slack. I think I would message to apologise and wish them well for your own sake but not to try and explain or anything

MarshaBradyo · 09/04/2023 07:45

I don’t blame him for saying ok / good

I don’t see he has to prove himself. If a man did it most would be wise to say ok bye

WarriorN · 09/04/2023 07:46

No one should tolerate being told fuck you

Tell him that. And don't drink ❤️

Radi06 · 09/04/2023 07:47

Oh I really feel for you! I'm sure she will be okay if you send a text explaining

MauveCow · 09/04/2023 07:47

Radi06 · 09/04/2023 07:47

Oh I really feel for you! I'm sure she will be okay if you send a text explaining

Explaining what?

Lampan · 09/04/2023 07:52

WeAreAllLionesses · 09/04/2023 06:22

If this was a man that had done that to you everyone would be saying 'red flags' and '→→→ the hills are that way.'

Absolutely. And I don’t agree with the post that says if he is deterred by this he’s not worth having. He probably just expects to be treated with more respect, or doesn’t want the hassle.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 07:56

tuvamoodyson · 09/04/2023 07:19

Nah….I’d have blocked you already. I have a very low tolerance for this kind of behaviour…drunken phone calls/texts, I really couldn’t be bothered with that. If a man had behaved that way towards you, you’d be getting told you’d dodged a bullet.

It's not the end of the world though, is it?

It's not like OP has been out kicking in busstops or smashing in his greenhouse, scaling lampposts.

She needs to apologise and he can entirely take it or leave it, that's up to him.

She is absolutely not a horrible person however. I'm surprised some of you are so judgey. My friends are better than this. Yes okay OP you did something daft but it's hardly like gunning people down in the street. Get a perspective. If they like each other it will work out.

OlympicProcrastinator · 09/04/2023 07:56

I think that fact you already sent an apology text and he replied ‘good’ or ‘god’ (depending on whether or not that was a spelling error) means he’s not going to just laugh it off. I think to double message another apology just looks desperate and is going to feel like harassment to him. I think he will ignore it or be short with you and that’s going to make you feel even worse. Don’t do it OP!

I feel sorry for you that this has happened and I hope you can learn from it and move on. You’ve said sorry. If he messages you again, by all means send a more detailed apology, but for both your sakes, just leave it for now.

WarriorN · 09/04/2023 07:57

True. But self reflection means a lot to me personally. We all fuck up. Being able to define and apologise for the fuck up is to me, worth recognising.

The other person may be on their guard for a whirl though which is understandable.

hamstersarse · 09/04/2023 08:06

If you are honest, do you even like this guy?

I suspect you wouldn’t behave like that if you really did.

Your reaction is more reflecting on yourself and how you look than being worried that you’ve lost a winner

I’d drop out of dating for a while and work through your issues around abandonment and needing validation even from people you aren’t that interested in

Tomkirkman · 09/04/2023 08:07

WarriorN · 09/04/2023 07:57

True. But self reflection means a lot to me personally. We all fuck up. Being able to define and apologise for the fuck up is to me, worth recognising.

The other person may be on their guard for a whirl though which is understandable.

It’s true. We all make mistakes. It doesn’t make the op an awful person. Walking away does make the other person awful eother.

If after 6 weeks the other person decides they don’t want to hang around and see if it’s a one off or deal with someone who self sabotages it’s doesn’t make them ‘not worth having’ or the other things written on this thread.

JMSA · 09/04/2023 08:08

WeAreAllLionesses · 09/04/2023 06:22

If this was a man that had done that to you everyone would be saying 'red flags' and '→→→ the hills are that way.'

100% this. Exactly what I was thinking while reading through.

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 08:09

OlympicProcrastinator · 09/04/2023 07:56

I think that fact you already sent an apology text and he replied ‘good’ or ‘god’ (depending on whether or not that was a spelling error) means he’s not going to just laugh it off. I think to double message another apology just looks desperate and is going to feel like harassment to him. I think he will ignore it or be short with you and that’s going to make you feel even worse. Don’t do it OP!

I feel sorry for you that this has happened and I hope you can learn from it and move on. You’ve said sorry. If he messages you again, by all means send a more detailed apology, but for both your sakes, just leave it for now.

They said 'god'

OP posts:
JMSA · 09/04/2023 08:12

Fine to send a message of apology, but own it and take responsibility.

I wouldn't send a jokey, lighthearted text as suggested by some. It'd show that you don't take your behaviour seriously.

I personally don't think you're ready for a relationship before you've done some work on yourself. It sounds like if you hadn't sent the 'fuck you' text, it would have been something else a bit further down the line. Counselling would help you explore the need to self-sabotage. The text you sent really isn't the main issue here.
Good luck.

Noicant · 09/04/2023 08:17

Apologise, own it then leave it. Are

you ok with your drinking? I’m not saying that in the 1/2 a sherry at xmas makes you an alchi way but more of are you in charge of yourself after a few drinks way? I love a drink but when I was younger I behaved appallingly after drinking. Therapy for loads of stuff actually changed that and now I get a bit tipsy and cheerful and go to bed.

Tusktusk · 09/04/2023 08:17

The thing is, your last message to him wasn’t a simple apology. It was you dumping him (I’m psychotic, I’m backing out) and effectively closing the communication.

Whilst I agree that your messages were bad, I think a simpler more open apology might be worth a shot. Something like “I’m so sorry about last night. I understand if you don’t want to speak to me again but I’m willing to talk if you are.”

Then leave it.

MaryDerry · 09/04/2023 08:19

I don't think you are awful.

I think they've decided this is too much hard work. I doubt it would have lasted.
So this gives you the opportunity to think about self-sabotage and your relationship with alcohol. Maybe get help, therapy etc. So you feel a better you.

Adulthood is hard.

Xarrie · 09/04/2023 08:23

Did he reply God or good?

I would message today and apologise and leave it with him.

MuckyPlucky · 09/04/2023 08:28

I’m very understanding and supportive of those with MH struggles (and have them myself) but if a new person I’d started dating rang me absolutely steaming drunk on their own in the house, I’d find that a red flag. If they then proceeded to get difficult to reason with, and then when I ended the call they became persistent, and then texted “fuck you then” I’d be really pissed-off / wary / feel hounded.

The follow-up text calling yourself “psychotic” and pulling out of the relationship would be the final straw - it implies total instability in your interpersonal relationships and/or a serious alcohol problem.

As I say, I’m very understanding of Mh issues but I’d feel no compulsion to stick around for more of that behaviour from you after only 6 weeks dating.

I really do think you should leave this person be now.

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 08:29

Xarrie · 09/04/2023 08:23

Did he reply God or good?

I would message today and apologise and leave it with him.

It was definitely god.

I've just opened up the thread so it goes -

Me - I'm sorry. As you can tell I'm a bit psychotic. I'm going to back out here and wish you the best. It's been fun. Take care.

Reply - God

Maybe they did mean good and it's a typo

OP posts:
BlossomOfOrange · 09/04/2023 08:30

I agree that this doesn’t need to define you. You are the sum of ALL your parts, and this is a tiny one.

If he’d done the same to you, would you have thought he was the worst, or may be just taken aback and confused?

I agree that sending an apology is a good suggestion but suggest when you compose/send you focus on just that, and don’t expect to ‘win him back’, as it might help you feel in control, and make for a more genuine apology.

The hangover could be distorting things 🤷🏻‍♀️. Hope you feel better 💐

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 08:31

WarriorN · 09/04/2023 07:57

True. But self reflection means a lot to me personally. We all fuck up. Being able to define and apologise for the fuck up is to me, worth recognising.

The other person may be on their guard for a whirl though which is understandable.

Yes absolutely; well hopefully it works out and yes of course OP you're not terrible.

Behaved a little bit badly but nothing too serious, if he calls it a day that's up to him.

It comes across to me that this was down to nerves at a new relationship. You may have had a moment of terrible but you are not in general so please stop thinking badly of yourself. You can say I acted awfully and I'm sorry but this one moment doesn't define you.

PlasticGymnastic · 09/04/2023 08:33

Why are so many posters assuming it's a man when OP hasn't been specific?

Anyway OP, try not to beat yourself up over it. You haven't shown yourself in the best light, but nobody can 100% of the time.
This person might laugh it off and keep seeing you, or they might not. If that is the case it isn't entirely your fault, they might have past experiences that mean they see big red flags.
Either way, your relationship is very new and please don't let them put you in a position where you feel you have to grovel and modify yourself. You made a mistake, it's not supposed to be a big deal.

heidbuttsupper · 09/04/2023 08:33

It's all about ownership @fiveamfear apologise, explain you drank too much and move on.

Swipe left for the next trending thread