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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just hate myself so much

128 replies

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 05:09

I'm a relatively normal functioning adult woman. I'm a professional, single mum, happy with my lot. I live a nice life, I have amazing family and really close and supportive friendships. However, I've never been good in relationships, all my insecurities come flowing out and I feel uneasy when I'm in one just waiting for the person to leave.

I haven't dated in 6 years so thought I was maybe ready. I met someone who I really liked and have been dating them for the past 6 weeks. But last night I got so drunk, in the house alone, was on the phone to them for a bit. I can't really remember but it seems we ended the conversation and I then tried to call them back, they didn't answer and so I text, 'fuck you then'! Blush

I then messaged, 'sorry I'm obviously psychotic so I'm just going to pull out of this. Take care.' They just replied, 'God'.

I am so upset, I've totally messed it up. I don't know why I got into that state, I'd been so happy all day. Also today was the first I told my friends about them and now I'll have to go back and say oh never mind that. It's like I purposely self sabotage.

I just honestly hate myself today. I don't even know whether to text them today or whether it's still salvageable or should I just leave it.

I'm so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Changeau · 09/04/2023 08:35

I feel for you OP but at the same time your texts were aggressive and unpleasant. Getting drunk is one thing but then communicating with aggression is another. I'd apologise over text then delete his number. And sorry to be boring, but think about moderating your drinking. Good luck.

Gobrookeyourself · 09/04/2023 08:37

WeAreAllLionesses · 09/04/2023 06:22

If this was a man that had done that to you everyone would be saying 'red flags' and '→→→ the hills are that way.'

this in spades! You texted him ‘fuck you then’ for not answering; if this was my son I’d tell him to steer clear too. I appreciate you were drunk but the early stages of a relationship are where you get to know someone so if you’re speaking like that to them from the start, I dread to think how you could speak to them a year down the line.

vomiting is different; it’s not something you consciously control. Swearing on the other hand is conscious. I’d do some work on yourself first OP before I look to be in a relationship.

category12 · 09/04/2023 08:38

Stop drinking.

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 08:39

I will definitely be taking a look at my drinking. When I was 11 my dad left and moved to America for a woman he'd known for three months. He lived there for 14 years. I didn't think I felt abandoned at the time but I know this is where my abandonment issues/low self esteem etc stem from.

OP posts:
gonkk · 09/04/2023 08:43

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 05:50

To be frank if he's that easily deterred he's not worth having.

Bloke on a training course years ago said that his new girlfriend projectile vomited over him. She'd overdone it. It sort of made me smile as I could see he cared about her and just wanted her to be safe.

So yep, apology/jokey text today and it would be nice to hear it works out. It's bound to make you feel exposed if you have been celebate for years.

The first sentence stuck out to me.

He's not worth having?
Can you imagine if a bloke posted on here:
'Got pissed last night. Told my girlfriend to go fuck herself and told her I'm psychotic.'

Everyone would tell him his girlfriend should run for the hills.

The irony 😂

Changeau · 09/04/2023 08:44

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 08:39

I will definitely be taking a look at my drinking. When I was 11 my dad left and moved to America for a woman he'd known for three months. He lived there for 14 years. I didn't think I felt abandoned at the time but I know this is where my abandonment issues/low self esteem etc stem from.

Well that's positive that you've identified this, get ready to do the work OP!

azafata2 · 09/04/2023 08:45

Hi

How are you doing now? Has he contacted you this morning?

Xarrie · 09/04/2023 08:46

I don't think all hope is lost. Sorry for assuming male.

I hope it works out okay. For what it's worth, I would give you another chance if everything else has been good.

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 08:47

azafata2 · 09/04/2023 08:45

Hi

How are you doing now? Has he contacted you this morning?

I've managed to sleep a little but still have that horrible knot in my stomach. No nothing this morning.

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 09/04/2023 08:49

This is mumsnet, so a woman is perfectly entitled to send drunken, abusive and frankly deranged texts any time she wants, and if the man doesn't accept it then he's "not worth having".

However, a man with the wrong colour shoelaces is a "massive red flag" and the woman should "run for the hills"!

😂

AllIeveknewonlyou · 09/04/2023 08:51

gonkk · 09/04/2023 08:43

The first sentence stuck out to me.

He's not worth having?
Can you imagine if a bloke posted on here:
'Got pissed last night. Told my girlfriend to go fuck herself and told her I'm psychotic.'

Everyone would tell him his girlfriend should run for the hills.

The irony 😂

Show quote history

No that's wrong actually; if someone I knew was struggling I would bear with them, at least for a while.

You don't sound like a person people would want to be friends with.

Radi06 · 09/04/2023 08:51

I've managed to sleep a little but still have that horrible knot in my stomach. No nothing this morning.

You probably have a bit of hangxiety too. Was the phone call normal enough? Before the weird text?

morbidd · 09/04/2023 08:53

Just take ownership of it and apologise. That will probably mean a lot to them.

Mirabai · 09/04/2023 08:53

Well you obviously need therapy. Being ditched by your father as a child is bound to lead to all kinds of issues. Don’t beat yourself up - just regard the experience as bringing to light stuff you didn’t know was there and needs to be addressed. Drinking habits can be part of that.

category12 · 09/04/2023 08:53

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 08:47

I've managed to sleep a little but still have that horrible knot in my stomach. No nothing this morning.

Show quote history

Part of how you're feeling now is the "beer fear".

Recommend:

  • you text them an apology (but expect to be binned/ignored, but apologising for being a dick is the right thing to do anyway)
  • get up, have a bath/shower,
  • get something to eat,
  • chuck out the alcohol
  • go for a walk and spend the day constructively.
TedMullins · 09/04/2023 08:57

Therapy! Don’t even think about dating again til you’ve had some. I used to be similar to this but three years of intense psychodynamic talking therapy really changed my life.

idontlikementhols · 09/04/2023 08:57

Honestly I would give up alcohol if I were you. It's a double whammy - you get the stupid behaviour when you're drunk, and then the fear/regret the next day.

Therapistmothermaid · 09/04/2023 08:59

Have you had any counselling or therapy? Might help you get to the root of your issues and learn to have healthier relationships. I think this is a sign that whilst your conscious mind thinks you are ready to date, your subconscious mind is not. Identifying a place in childhood this fear of commitment/ abandonment comes from is a good starting point. Also working out why you want to date/ reasons you don't want to date. I think we are socialised to believe that we should be seeking a partner but that doesn't mean we are all in the right place to do that. Establishing whether it is an internal desire, something you do deeply want, or something you feel like you should be doing due to societal expectations, Hollywood movies etc.

azafata2 · 09/04/2023 09:05

Hi again

Yes I agree with the above. This is the time to start working out what you want in your life and how to get there.

Do not beat yourself up anymore. This could be a blessing in disguise!
🌻

AprilFool23 · 09/04/2023 09:06

To be frank if he's that easily deterred he's not worth having.

Would we be saying that to a woman whose new bf had done this?

I wouldn't.

AveragePerson5 · 09/04/2023 09:08

Working on your self esteem issues and staying away from alcohol at least for the foreseeable future are good ideas. Alcohol is a depressant, it will make things worse especially if you can’t control how much you have.

With regards to the other person you’ve been texting, I’m not sure you are ready for a relationship at the moment. You could text them a further apology/ take care message and then leave it. But if they are in a good place and have decent self esteem themselves they are probably not going to want to get further involved based on what they’ve experienced so far.

That does not make you a bad person, it just means you have some issues to work on (like many of us) which you have identified already (childhood experiences, alcohol). Go easy on yourself and enjoy the Easter weekend 🌸

Bunce1 · 09/04/2023 09:11

His reply “god” was to the very self indulgent non apology calling yourself psychotic!

I would think “god” too.

I used to say- drunk texting is a like a weapon.

Draw a line under this. Leave him be and don’t drunk text.

AprilFool23 · 09/04/2023 09:12

Op it sounds like you need to stay off alcohol at least temporarily and as others have said access counselling.

Send a heartfelt apology that you got drunk and not was an extreme knee jerk stupid thing you messaged while drunk, bit don't expect him/her to keep seeing you.

I actually wouldn't anyone anyone to keep seeing someone acting like that in the opening part of a relationship.

WarriorN · 09/04/2023 09:13

TrishM80 · 09/04/2023 08:49

This is mumsnet, so a woman is perfectly entitled to send drunken, abusive and frankly deranged texts any time she wants, and if the man doesn't accept it then he's "not worth having".

However, a man with the wrong colour shoelaces is a "massive red flag" and the woman should "run for the hills"!

😂

Few men immediately apologise and spend all night worrying about it. The red flags are for the ones who think their behaviour is A OK.

MauveCow · 09/04/2023 09:15

WarriorN · 09/04/2023 09:13

Few men immediately apologise and spend all night worrying about it. The red flags are for the ones who think their behaviour is A OK.

Show quote history

I wouldn't respond to someone who swore at me when I didn't answer the phone, then called themselves psychotic and ended the relationship. If they apologised I'd thank them, but I wouldn't go back for more.