To just hate myself so much

[fiveamfear]

I'm a relatively normal functioning adult woman. I'm a professional, single mum, happy with my lot. I live a nice life, I have amazing family and really close and supportive friendships. However, I've never been good in relationships, all my insecurities come flowing out and I feel uneasy when I'm in one just waiting for the person to leave.

I haven't dated in 6 years so thought I was maybe ready. I met someone who I really liked and have been dating them for the past 6 weeks. But last night I got so drunk, in the house alone, was on the phone to them for a bit. I can't really remember but it seems we ended the conversation and I then tried to call them back, they didn't answer and so I text, 'fuck you then'!

I then messaged, 'sorry I'm obviously psychotic so I'm just going to pull out of this. Take care.' They just replied, 'God'.

I am so upset, I've totally messed it up. I don't know why I got into that state, I'd been so happy all day. Also today was the first I told my friends about them and now I'll have to go back and say oh never mind that. It's like I purposely self sabotage.

I just honestly hate myself today. I don't even know whether to text them today or whether it's still salvageable or should I just leave it.

I'm so embarrassed.

That's good OP. This is an opportunity for growth, change and self awareness for you as now you have the impetus to address issues, irregardless of whether the relationship works out.

If it was a completely out of character pissedove on your part they're ok about it because they're human and we all do stupid shit.

If you were a walking red flag YOU would have downplayed it, not accepted responsibility, apologised and be self reflecting on how to stop it happening again.

You don't have reason to hate yourself, you're growing and learning and you deserve grace just like anyone else.

Context matters for a lot too, it would takeore than 1 stupid text to put me off someone otherwise lovely. If I wasn't that fussed and looking for an out or if they were a walking ed flag the way some people are I'd take it more seriously.

If you want a long term relationship it's fine to open about how you feel and where your mistakes come from. What's the point in hiding yourself? You just waste time if the real you would put them off anyway. I hope it's all sunshine and rainbows long term for you both.

For some reason this reminds me of staying with a friend last year (both fairly drunk, absolute non romantic), he was having relationship problems at the time and when we got back to his place he started wittering on about whether it was me or her he was in love with.

I may have been a bit pissed (as in British sense not American) but stayed very silent until he had rambled himself out and went to bed then dialled for a taxi, pronto. The friendship would not have recovered if he hadn't apologised repeatedly afterwards and reimbursed me for the taxi.

I knew he was drunk and stressed (his girlfriend was cheating) and he admitted his behaviour so we got over it.