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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just hate myself so much

128 replies

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 05:09

I'm a relatively normal functioning adult woman. I'm a professional, single mum, happy with my lot. I live a nice life, I have amazing family and really close and supportive friendships. However, I've never been good in relationships, all my insecurities come flowing out and I feel uneasy when I'm in one just waiting for the person to leave.

I haven't dated in 6 years so thought I was maybe ready. I met someone who I really liked and have been dating them for the past 6 weeks. But last night I got so drunk, in the house alone, was on the phone to them for a bit. I can't really remember but it seems we ended the conversation and I then tried to call them back, they didn't answer and so I text, 'fuck you then'! Blush

I then messaged, 'sorry I'm obviously psychotic so I'm just going to pull out of this. Take care.' They just replied, 'God'.

I am so upset, I've totally messed it up. I don't know why I got into that state, I'd been so happy all day. Also today was the first I told my friends about them and now I'll have to go back and say oh never mind that. It's like I purposely self sabotage.

I just honestly hate myself today. I don't even know whether to text them today or whether it's still salvageable or should I just leave it.

I'm so embarrassed.

OP posts:
terfinthewild · 09/04/2023 10:37

I think that you should text him and apologise for your behaviour and I think you should forget about dating anyone until you figure out what causes this type of behaviour. Turn a negative in to a positive - try and use this as a trigger to change for the better. One thing I will say is that alcohol is not your friend if it's doing that to you, stop drinking! Best of luck my lovely, you will attract the right person to you once you are the best version of yourself. X

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 10:38

gonkk · 09/04/2023 10:29

'No that's wrong actually; if someone I knew was struggling I would bear with them, at least for a while.

You don't sound like a person people would want to be friends with.'
@AllIeveknewonlyou
Do you usually go round assuming how popular people are on the internet because they won't accept verbal and controlling abusive language?
Because I wouldn't accept being told to go fuck myself after 6 weeks because I didn't answer the phone..
I've got a large network of friends, and also funnily enough, they don't tell me to go fuck myself. They're incredibly nice people. I set my bar high.
You sound like a person with an incredibly low bar, if you're okay with people swearing at you if you don't answer the phone.

If that makes people to not want to be my friend, good, fine by me. Didn't fancy a psychotic new mate anyway.

No I agree, my behaviour was horrible and I would also advise a friend to run for the hills if anyone, man or woman, did this to her. I have no excuses. I think had this been a year long or longer relationship then it could be sorted with the promise of sorting the drinking, however, after just 6 weeks? I'd honestly not bother myself.

I actually feel quite glad for them. Number 1 - that they have enough self respect to not put up with it and 2 - that they've dodged a massive bullet. They were a really kind and caring person and they don't deserve that treatment so I'm just going to leave them be.

OP posts:
gonkk · 09/04/2023 10:44

@fiveamfear

Don't beat yourself up about it. My post was more in reply to the person who quoted me.

Maybe leave it a few days and apologise. It might not make a difference but it might make you feel a bit better that you've apologised and not left it on a bit of a strange note.

There's plenty more fish in the sea OP. Just maybe work on your self esteem and how you act when you drink. You know in yourself you're not a bad person and that's all that matters!

BellePeppa · 09/04/2023 10:45

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 10:38

No I agree, my behaviour was horrible and I would also advise a friend to run for the hills if anyone, man or woman, did this to her. I have no excuses. I think had this been a year long or longer relationship then it could be sorted with the promise of sorting the drinking, however, after just 6 weeks? I'd honestly not bother myself.

I actually feel quite glad for them. Number 1 - that they have enough self respect to not put up with it and 2 - that they've dodged a massive bullet. They were a really kind and caring person and they don't deserve that treatment so I'm just going to leave them be.

Show quote history

Despite your issues you seem to have a lot of self awareness and emotional intelligence which is a huge positive in trying to achieve self improvement. It sounds like with the right help you can really this turn this around. 💐

Dibbydoos · 09/04/2023 10:47

This is classic self sabotage, OP, see if therapy or hypnosis can help you overcome it. Our irrational thoughts and beliefs are the things that limit our growth.

Ref your DP. Def message him and apologise. If it works, great if nit at least your conscience is clear, you fd up and owned it.

Sending a hug. Good luck x

OlympicProcrastinator · 09/04/2023 10:49

OP you sound lovely. Flawed, human but lovely.

That doesn’t mean the other person should forgive or makes them in any way bad by refusing to continue or contact you. I would advise you or anyone else to run if they were on the receiving end of your behaviour.

But please bear in mind that your mistake doesn’t make you a bad person or undeserving of love. It just means that you need to work on a few things before entering into a relationship.

Mistakes don’t define you, how you handle them does. Forgive yourself even if the other person doesn’t.

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 10:58

OlympicProcrastinator · 09/04/2023 10:49

OP you sound lovely. Flawed, human but lovely.

That doesn’t mean the other person should forgive or makes them in any way bad by refusing to continue or contact you. I would advise you or anyone else to run if they were on the receiving end of your behaviour.

But please bear in mind that your mistake doesn’t make you a bad person or undeserving of love. It just means that you need to work on a few things before entering into a relationship.

Mistakes don’t define you, how you handle them does. Forgive yourself even if the other person doesn’t.

Thank you, that's very kind of you to say Smile

OP posts:
fearfulexchange · 09/04/2023 11:04

I hope he takes it on the chin.
Maybe the 'god' was a piss take as he thought you were over reacting. Did he know you'd been drinking?
If it were me I would wait to hear from you and then laugh at your antics as a one off (you don't know what people are going through or what their day has been like etc) but if you did it again or it became normal I would walk.
Stop beating yourself up, you're aware and willing. You're a good person 💐

TheSlowRush · 09/04/2023 11:21

Livinghappy · 09/04/2023 09:21

@tuvamoodyson 100% agree

Op, how old are you? If my adult child was in a relationship with someone who did this then I would advise them to walk away. Two factors, the alcohol and abandonment issues. A partner can't fix these...only you can.

Do you deserve a 2nd chance, yes maybe but only of you accept you need to work on your issues. Maybe commit to stopping alcohol?

Think the OP is beating herself up enough about this…

U2HasTheEdge · 09/04/2023 11:44

OlympicProcrastinator · 09/04/2023 10:49

OP you sound lovely. Flawed, human but lovely.

That doesn’t mean the other person should forgive or makes them in any way bad by refusing to continue or contact you. I would advise you or anyone else to run if they were on the receiving end of your behaviour.

But please bear in mind that your mistake doesn’t make you a bad person or undeserving of love. It just means that you need to work on a few things before entering into a relationship.

Mistakes don’t define you, how you handle them does. Forgive yourself even if the other person doesn’t.

This is such a lovely post, and so true.

Due to complex trauma, I can relate to that fear of abandonment and sabotaging, or fighting to get some need met, in an unhealthy destructive way.

I am finding attachment-focused EMDR helpful for understanding and undoing those patterns.

I agree with Olympic- forgive yourself and just use it as a reminder that there are some things you still need to work on, but come from it in a self-compassionate way.

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 13:09

Is this an okay apology to perhaps send later? -

Hey, I just wanted to say sorry about last night. I know I was rude and acted like a freak due to too much alcohol. You don’t need to reply or anything, I just wouldn’t want you to think I think my behaviours acceptable - I don’t. I’ve clearly got some work to do on myself.x

I really don't know what to say because I want to apologise but not make it as a way of trying to work things out.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2023 13:12

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 13:09

Is this an okay apology to perhaps send later? -

Hey, I just wanted to say sorry about last night. I know I was rude and acted like a freak due to too much alcohol. You don’t need to reply or anything, I just wouldn’t want you to think I think my behaviours acceptable - I don’t. I’ve clearly got some work to do on myself.x

I really don't know what to say because I want to apologise but not make it as a way of trying to work things out.

I think it's good.

Tomkirkman · 09/04/2023 13:22

fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 13:09

Is this an okay apology to perhaps send later? -

Hey, I just wanted to say sorry about last night. I know I was rude and acted like a freak due to too much alcohol. You don’t need to reply or anything, I just wouldn’t want you to think I think my behaviours acceptable - I don’t. I’ve clearly got some work to do on myself.x

I really don't know what to say because I want to apologise but not make it as a way of trying to work things out.

Please don’t refer to yourself as a freak or anything like you did last night.

It can come across as a bit ‘you should reply and tell me I am not to make me feel better’

and you shouldn’t think of yourself as a freak. You are a person and you need to work through somethings. That won’t get better while you are calling yourself names.

Pseudonamed · 09/04/2023 13:25

Yes i think send that and it will make you feel better even if he does not respond. You are not the first and will not be the last to send something like that with a few drinks x

MarshaBradyo · 09/04/2023 13:26

Tomkirkman · 09/04/2023 13:22

Please don’t refer to yourself as a freak or anything like you did last night.

It can come across as a bit ‘you should reply and tell me I am not to make me feel better’

and you shouldn’t think of yourself as a freak. You are a person and you need to work through somethings. That won’t get better while you are calling yourself names.

Show quote history

Agree with this. Don’t send it yet I’m sure you’ll get some good suggestions here

Take out freak for a start

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 13:34

Hey, I just wanted to say sorry about last night. I know I was rude and acted very strange due to too much alcohol. You don’t need to reply or anything, I just wouldn’t want you to think I think my behaviours acceptable - I don’t. I’ve clearly got some work to do on myself.x

OP posts:
Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 13:37

Ugh I've just sent it. Feel full of nerves now. At least I have apologised soberly now and can leave it at that.

OP posts:
Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 13:38

I'm scared in case they reply something like 'fuck of' or 'don't text me again'

OP posts:
Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 13:43

Ahh they've sent a 20 second voice note. I can't even listen to it.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 09/04/2023 13:45

I can't believe the amount of people that think saying fuck you then is nothing just because someone didn't answer the phone. I wouldn't want to hear from you again and the fact that you got so steaming drunk on your own at home would be a massive turn off for me.

Original poster
fiveamfear · 09/04/2023 13:48

I don't even know what to think now, they've totally downplayed it. Started the voice note with 'hi darling' don't worry about it - I knew you were just drunk that's why I didn't continue replying, I knew you were drunk but just didn't know what was going on. How are you feeling etc?

Soooo do we just go back to normal then? I'm surprised they're so fine about it.

OP posts:
KathieFerrars · 09/04/2023 13:53

They sound lovely. An immediate response too. I would say that you'd love to talk to them again as you like them but understand that they may be trepidatious. You are now off the booze.

KathieFerrars · 09/04/2023 13:55

Then just keep it to very normal, everyday things. Wouldn't dump the psychology on them just yet unless they seem to initiate that.

LadyWithLapdog · 09/04/2023 14:17

Ok. Good they replied and didn’t make you feel worse than you already do. Tread carefully, however. You don’t owe them anything. If you want to continue this young relationship, re-establish it from a position of equality. Good luck.

SittingNextToIt · 09/04/2023 14:20

threeblowdries · 09/04/2023 07:26

Absolutely what I was thinking.

Show quote history

This. Can you imagine a man posting this and what the MN reaction would have been? I can see bundles of “run for the hills” and “dodged a bullet” and “block and move on”.