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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD excluded from close friend's bday-should she exclude her from hers ?

132 replies

bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 20:21

Hi

Need opinions on whether we are BU.

Backstory: DD Age 9 is in a close knit group of 5 friends. One of them had their bday today. During chat time with friends three days ago, DD realised the bday girl had invited the other 4 girls in their group to an activity play and she was not invited. She was gutted but waited all through thinking an invite would come through but none did. To be honest, i was a bit shocked as well because i know she is even closer to the bday girl than two of the others that went in the group.

She cried all through because she couldn't understand why. The bday girl doesnt ahve access to a phone while the other 4 have so of course she couldn't really find out why (though i had told her not to ask her why). I convinced my DD that maybe she had limited spaces for who she could invite.

Today she heard the bday girl said yes she didnt have enough spaces. Fair enough

DD then said oh well she would invite her to hers even though in her words " im not her friend but she's my friend". DH, my mum and I told her no, she will not be invited to my DD's who is having hers in June.

Reason we have said this is because it looks like DD is trying to be desperate to be her friend and i want her to grow up having some self esteem for herself. I have noticed she seems to have developed some inferiority complex lately and I was like this when i was little; I know how this affected me all through till adulthood.

She cried all through 2 days ago because she prioritises this girl but seems its not the other way round.I have told her life is like that sometimes and we want her to grow up to be able to stand up for herself and learn to not prioritise friends that don't prioritise her so they don't mess up with her ego.

we all feel soo bad for her that's why DH and my mum are saying she's not going to be invited to DD's10th party in June. Im also leaning towards this but i just want to know if this is the right thing to do?

i dont want to teach her to be vengeful but then she needs to build her self esteem and know that yes even though these things happen, there is a way to deal with these kind of situations

What do you guys think pls?

OP posts:
FeetOnly · 08/04/2023 20:36

I think you're thinking too far in advance. Her birthday is in June, they'll all be best friends again, then enemies then friends again by then.

PatchworkElmer · 08/04/2023 20:36

I think it’s her party and she’s old enough to decide who she wants to invite. If it ends up being a tough life lesson you might just have to let it happen. If she was younger then I’d be inclined to say no.

Hankunamatata · 08/04/2023 20:36

Does dd have limited numbers for her birthday party? If not then of course she should invite who she wants.
This hopefully has made her realise that this girl doesn't view her as a close friend (or the parents decided your dd was the one not to invite)

lovemelongtime · 08/04/2023 20:36

I think it's June, so ages away. Kids change friends all by the time. Let it settle down and see what happens first.

ToWhitToWhoo · 08/04/2023 20:37

While I don't think your dd is obliged to invite this friend, I don't think you should prevent her from doing so if she wants to. This would likely be punishing your dd more than the friend. If the friend was actually bullying your dd it would be different, but not just over not being invited to one party. And at this age, it could have been the parents' decision more than the child's. In any case, there are often little ups and downs in children's friendships which may be quickly overcome if the adults don't make too much of an issue of it,

vincettenoir · 08/04/2023 20:37

I really feel for your dd and can see that you and other family hate to see her unhappy.

However I don’t think telling her she can’t invite her friend to her party is really the way to lift her self esteem. They clearly are friends and your dd wants her to come. It’s her call and I think she should be empowered to make her own choice about it.

It sounds like she wasn’t invited to the party for circumstantial reasons. The best thing for your daughter would be to listen to her and support her with her disappointment without needing to vilify the friend or anyone else.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/04/2023 20:37

Make a decision at the end of the next half term. Don’t fuel the drama.

PatchworkElmer · 08/04/2023 20:38

I’d also be wary of projecting adult upset onto this situation- your DH and MIL might be making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be.

Quartz2208 · 08/04/2023 20:38

It is her choice, how is overruling her helping her self esteem. By all means guide her into making a choice but you need to support what she feels is the right thing to do for her

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 08/04/2023 20:43

It’s in June chill out. They will have cycled through several friendship groups by then.

gavisconismyfriend · 08/04/2023 20:47

Why shouldn’t DD invite the girl if she likes her? She sounds like she recognises the friendship might not be equal but wants to invite her anyway. It’s also not clear why your mum has a say in this? As a child it is intense enough having two adults telling you who you can and can’t have at your birthday party.

duvetcovereddissident · 08/04/2023 20:50

I think she should invite whoever she likes to her birthday.

Teatime55 · 08/04/2023 20:53

Arsehole mum at primary stopped her DD inviting mine to any parties. I still invited hers.
I think she was jealous or something and she was one of those strange mothers who try to organise their child’s friendships (unsuccessfully).

Singleandproud · 08/04/2023 20:53

It's more likely the mum knows the other mums better and so the other 4 were invited.

It sounds like you and your family are projecting adult feelings onto children learning social skills in an unhealthy way. Step back, let the girls work it out and be careful of what you say in front of your DD about this friend.

If you want her to develop more resilience and stronger self esteem. Maybe enrol her on some extra curricular without her school friends so she develops her own identity. If it's close to her potential High School that might stand her in good social stead when she moves up in a few years.

VineSt · 08/04/2023 20:54

It’s a tough life lesson isn’t it at her age.

I’d let it die down for now if you’ve got time. June isn’t that far away if you’re booking an activity is it but as for today’s parents, wtaf! I wouldn’t dream of arranging something that didn’t include the whole group if it’s close knit.

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/04/2023 20:55

It's a horrible situation for your DD but I think you need less family drama around it. I would absolutely want my DD to walk away from a friend who treated her like this, so please just quietly go about encouraging that. But there's no need for lots of major family chat about future birthdays etc - you don't need to get that far ahead. I am so sorry your daughter has been hurt and upset - this sort of thing is ghastly although most children go through it at some time or other.

Original poster
bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 20:55

Quartz2208 · 08/04/2023 20:38

It is her choice, how is overruling her helping her self esteem. By all means guide her into making a choice but you need to support what she feels is the right thing to do for her

No we are not overuling her at all. We just dont want her acting desperate to be close to her when the girl doesn't see her that way.

They have been this close since year 2 so there is no changing of friends per se. She was invited to her bday last year, so was the girl invited to DD's when DD had a party twice.

But apparently she is the one that gets dropped now because there is no space.

We are not forcing her to "not" invite her. But if she is strong enough to know that inviting her is not to please the girl but wants to invite her just because there is enough space , then she can go ahead.

Im just worried she has shown some complex around this situation and i dont want her to act desperate. Thats all

OP posts:
Spiderboy · 08/04/2023 20:56

Your being petty and your reaction is far more damaging than her navigating friendships at this age

Original poster
bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 20:59

gavisconismyfriend · 08/04/2023 20:47

Why shouldn’t DD invite the girl if she likes her? She sounds like she recognises the friendship might not be equal but wants to invite her anyway. It’s also not clear why your mum has a say in this? As a child it is intense enough having two adults telling you who you can and can’t have at your birthday party.

No my mum doesn't have a say in this. She is just so close to my mum so my mum was hurt seeing her that way as well. I just included my mums view as its two opinions against mine who is kind of indifferent and wants her to do the right thing. I really don't want this to blow up more than this.

OP posts:
tolerable · 08/04/2023 20:59

i dont see how upsetting dd -on top of the hurt feelings she already has actually boosts her self esteem. As you've leaned toward displaying-its often the adults that make the decisions. The child may not have had a say in who got invited.Two wrongs dont make a right anyway.

Original poster
bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 21:01

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/04/2023 20:55

It's a horrible situation for your DD but I think you need less family drama around it. I would absolutely want my DD to walk away from a friend who treated her like this, so please just quietly go about encouraging that. But there's no need for lots of major family chat about future birthdays etc - you don't need to get that far ahead. I am so sorry your daughter has been hurt and upset - this sort of thing is ghastly although most children go through it at some time or other.

Yes thats the issue.

Because her birthday is so close (invites would be going out next month) , i really dont want it to be awkward and not invite her if this is not the right thing to do and blow this out of proportion.

If DD's birthday was in September for example, i wouldn't be as bothered now.

OP posts:
Amotherlife · 08/04/2023 21:02

Let her invite the girl if she wants to. You, your DH and mum are far too invested in this. You don't need to teach her anything, just support her to have who she wants to her party- and if she no longer wants to be friends with her after some reflection, support that.

Anyway, to my mind, you ARE teaching her vengeance, not supporting her self esteem. Good self esteem would be to take the view that it is fine for the friend to be at her party, even though she didn't get an invite to hers.

It doesn't even need to be a case of the birthday girl's preference - maybe the other parents are closer friends to her parents and they felt they couldn't leave one of the others out? Or one wasn't invited last year or whatever. Plus you can have 5 friends but only have space for 4, so someone has to be let down. Or maybe she has 10 friends and just chose the four she has played with most recently. Doesn't mean she does not value your dd's friendship.

Original poster
bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 21:04

For the record pls, if DD definitely wants her there. i will make sure the girl is invited. We are not forcing her not to invite her. There is just a mixed view on this thats why i wanted opinions and not that im thinking irrationally because DD is hurt

OP posts:
Lampzade · 08/04/2023 21:05

You say that you don’t want your dd to look desperate, but you are actually fuelling this desperation by making a big deal about it.

I understand, it is upsetting when your dcs are upset about not being invited to their friend’s birthday party, it has probably happened to many of our dcs. However, your dd has decided that she wants to invite this girl to her party in June , so be it..

TheaBrandt · 08/04/2023 21:06

Invite. Be the bigger person. We had this it was the bitch of a mother wanting to only invite the girls of the women she was sucking up to.

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