DD excluded from close friend's bday-should she exclude her from hers ?

[bdaydilemma]

Hi

Need opinions on whether we are BU.

Backstory: DD Age 9 is in a close knit group of 5 friends. One of them had their bday today. During chat time with friends three days ago, DD realised the bday girl had invited the other 4 girls in their group to an activity play and she was not invited. She was gutted but waited all through thinking an invite would come through but none did. To be honest, i was a bit shocked as well because i know she is even closer to the bday girl than two of the others that went in the group.

She cried all through because she couldn't understand why. The bday girl doesnt ahve access to a phone while the other 4 have so of course she couldn't really find out why (though i had told her not to ask her why). I convinced my DD that maybe she had limited spaces for who she could invite.

Today she heard the bday girl said yes she didnt have enough spaces. Fair enough

DD then said oh well she would invite her to hers even though in her words " im not her friend but she's my friend". DH, my mum and I told her no, she will not be invited to my DD's who is having hers in June.

Reason we have said this is because it looks like DD is trying to be desperate to be her friend and i want her to grow up having some self esteem for herself. I have noticed she seems to have developed some inferiority complex lately and I was like this when i was little; I know how this affected me all through till adulthood.

She cried all through 2 days ago because she prioritises this girl but seems its not the other way round.I have told her life is like that sometimes and we want her to grow up to be able to stand up for herself and learn to not prioritise friends that don't prioritise her so they don't mess up with her ego.

we all feel soo bad for her that's why DH and my mum are saying she's not going to be invited to DD's10th party in June. Im also leaning towards this but i just want to know if this is the right thing to do?

i dont want to teach her to be vengeful but then she needs to build her self esteem and know that yes even though these things happen, there is a way to deal with these kind of situations

What do you guys think pls?

Thank you.😊

I wouldn’t put too much store on the fact that they’ve been a tight group in the past, nine year old girls aren’t known for their loyalty and now that the dynamic has shifted and your dd appears to be on the periphery of the group rather than a key player it might be best to talk to her about backing away from the group and exploring different friendships.

I am unsure as to why the OP asked for advice? Other than from what I can see which is to get a load of strangers on the internet to agree that taking revenge on a 9 year old child is cool. OP seems to have completely made her mind up and just rolled eyes at people who don't agree with her and offer flowers to people who do! I actually think there have been some great suggestions on this thread such as the space in the car thing which have been totally ignored!

As the mother of a 9 year old I’m surprised it wasn’t discussed. My dd friends all talk at length about parties and there is intense dramatic apologies when the numbers are limited. She will often come home and say that so and so is having a party and can only invite 2 people and so she’s picked this one and that one. There is usually intense negotiations that go on.

my oldest son had the same issue in first year of high school. He wasn’t invited to a friends bday as he could only invite a certain number. He was fine with that. He didn’t mind at all. Then the day before the kids rang up and invited him as he has uninvited someone else who was being annoying. I didn’t really like any of this but ds wanted to go, it was the first bday party he’d been invited too and so I let him. Even though I dislike the kid intensely and don’t want to encourage the friendship especially after the whole not inviting him and then uninviting someone else.

i have learn though that a lot of the time with my kids being excluded from stuff, it upsets me, not the kids, and I just need to not project my feelings onto them.

Maybe if you took time to read through properly you would see I have agreed with other opinions and CHANGED my mind to allow her to decide on her own .

That's why I came here for advice

I'm rolling my eyes at people calling me vile and mean. Too extreme ?

There is a problem about this that no one seems to have thought of.
Suppose the "friend" refuses the invitation. That would really hurt your daughter. I would plan a different celebration for her birthday - one that doesn't include any of her bitchy group.

Her birthday that was five months ago?