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Original poster

DD excluded from close friend's bday-should she exclude her from hers ?

132 replies

bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 20:21

Hi

Need opinions on whether we are BU.

Backstory: DD Age 9 is in a close knit group of 5 friends. One of them had their bday today. During chat time with friends three days ago, DD realised the bday girl had invited the other 4 girls in their group to an activity play and she was not invited. She was gutted but waited all through thinking an invite would come through but none did. To be honest, i was a bit shocked as well because i know she is even closer to the bday girl than two of the others that went in the group.

She cried all through because she couldn't understand why. The bday girl doesnt ahve access to a phone while the other 4 have so of course she couldn't really find out why (though i had told her not to ask her why). I convinced my DD that maybe she had limited spaces for who she could invite.

Today she heard the bday girl said yes she didnt have enough spaces. Fair enough

DD then said oh well she would invite her to hers even though in her words " im not her friend but she's my friend". DH, my mum and I told her no, she will not be invited to my DD's who is having hers in June.

Reason we have said this is because it looks like DD is trying to be desperate to be her friend and i want her to grow up having some self esteem for herself. I have noticed she seems to have developed some inferiority complex lately and I was like this when i was little; I know how this affected me all through till adulthood.

She cried all through 2 days ago because she prioritises this girl but seems its not the other way round.I have told her life is like that sometimes and we want her to grow up to be able to stand up for herself and learn to not prioritise friends that don't prioritise her so they don't mess up with her ego.

we all feel soo bad for her that's why DH and my mum are saying she's not going to be invited to DD's10th party in June. Im also leaning towards this but i just want to know if this is the right thing to do?

i dont want to teach her to be vengeful but then she needs to build her self esteem and know that yes even though these things happen, there is a way to deal with these kind of situations

What do you guys think pls?

OP posts:
Ktime · 09/04/2023 06:26

bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 20:55

No we are not overuling her at all. We just dont want her acting desperate to be close to her when the girl doesn't see her that way.

They have been this close since year 2 so there is no changing of friends per se. She was invited to her bday last year, so was the girl invited to DD's when DD had a party twice.

But apparently she is the one that gets dropped now because there is no space.

We are not forcing her to "not" invite her. But if she is strong enough to know that inviting her is not to please the girl but wants to invite her just because there is enough space , then she can go ahead.

Im just worried she has shown some complex around this situation and i dont want her to act desperate. Thats all

Show quote history

No we are not overuling her at all.

You are though. Your OP was clear that DH, my mum and I told her no, she will not be invited to my DD's who is having hers in June.

DD seems to have a philosophical attitude to these things (“im not her friend but she's my friend"). I would go with what she wants.

Undertheoldlindentree · 09/04/2023 06:33

"I really don't want this to blow up more than this"

Then let your DD decide who she wants to invite to her party when it gets to the week of the invitations. Don't add stress by making it conditional on who invited who to their last party. Rise above it and leave her free to negotiate her friendships in the present.

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/04/2023 06:33

It’s difficult, but if she really wants to invite her it’s her party. I would have a conversation with DD about exactly why she wants this other girl to come. There is a kind of taking the higher road/ modelling kindness argument perhaps? But if this other girl is a bully then of course you need to intervene. She may not come anyway if she has so little respect for your DD. Pre-teen girl friendships are really complex. Have you read Queen Bees and Wannabes? She may be navigating this in the most appropriate way she can.

LoudSnoringDog · 09/04/2023 06:34

This isn’t how you shape healthy self esteem. My daughter is 9 - healthy self esteem comes from understanding that not everyone will want to be your friend but that’s ok, there will still be plenty who do.
Your approach is likely to be more damaging to her confidence and attitude to friendship in her adolescence ( which tends to be the friendship group that you take into adulthood).

TheaBrandt · 09/04/2023 06:38

Neither of my teens are still with their primary school mates. She’ll get to secondary and upgrade.

TheaBrandt · 09/04/2023 06:40

It’s quite funny watching clique mum desperately trying to cling on to manipulating her child’s friendships to meet her own social needs when they hit secondary and bin off the primary group!

Dyslexicwonder · 09/04/2023 06:40

Livelovebehappy · 08/04/2023 21:26

I feel for you and your dd. Girl friendships at this age are brutal. The angst and drama I went through with my dd at secondary school was awful. They’re friends, then not friends, then choose one of the group to pick on, then another the next day/week/month. It’s draining. But June is a while off yet. I’d see how things develop.

This make sure she gets a copy of Judy Blume's Blubber for her 10th birthday.

barmycatmum · 09/04/2023 06:43

There’s something to be said for knowing her worth, and also rising above such behavior.

she doesn’t need to invest in this girl- it’s a good time for her to learn “when people show you who they are, believe them the first time”

but If it’s to be a party with many kids there, it would be a declaration of some kind of petty war, whereas If she learned to conduct herself with grace in this scenario and ignore it, I think she’d come out of the experience with more lessons of self-worth.

stooping to that kid’s level is just going to make her small. Her response was good, and I am sorry you all negated it.

let her make her own choices.

Scepticalwotsits · 09/04/2023 06:49

OP is projecting adult feeling onto their child. I think the way it was handled was possibly the worst option.

DD needs to learn things by herself
alsk I wonder if the lack of invite is less to do with DD and more to do with OP

KatherineJaneway · 09/04/2023 06:51

My question would be did the friend not invite her or the mum overuled. Who books a birthday activity that excludes one of a close knit group.

Breakingpoint1961 · 09/04/2023 06:53

Your initial feelings are to protect your daughters feelings, that's absolutely normal.

Let your daughter be the bigger person here and invite the 'friend'. I don't think she's desperate, she obviously likes her as a friend, so she's inviting her purely for that reason. If I were the friends Mum I'd be embarrassed on receiving an invite from your DD.

Let your DD hold her head up high, the 'right' thing to do is let your DD decide, not inviting her is vengeful because she actually wants to. The best outcome is if she decides (herself) she doesn't want to invite her.

I have been here myself as a child, and my children too, it's crap.

Wheelz46 · 09/04/2023 06:59

In your situation, I would personally let your daughter invite who she wants to invite. If she really wants her friend there and you don't let her invite this friend, your daughter isn't going to enjoy her own party as much.

Having said this, I do think it was rather mean of the other girl's family to arrange a party where it limits numbers and excludes 1 friend. My son has a close knit friend group and we wouldn't dream of organising such a party that it excludes only 1 of them.

h3ll0o · 09/04/2023 07:07

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/04/2023 06:11

Let your daughter invite her if she wants to. You are being petty and making it so that she will lose this friend and probably the friendship group.
maybe your petty/revengeful attitude is shy your daughter wasn’t invite, have you let her parents see this attitude before.

This may be part of the reason. There’s a mum like this in my DDs class and whenever possible we give her a wide birth as I don’t want to be around it, nor do I want my daughter exposed to her hateful attitude.

The party issue may have occurred because she struggles with her social skills like you. Do you want to punish this little girl for the sins of her mother?

It sounds like your daughter is currently the most emotionally mature person in your family.

snitzelvoncrumb · 09/04/2023 07:09

h3ll0o · 09/04/2023 07:07

This may be part of the reason. There’s a mum like this in my DDs class and whenever possible we give her a wide birth as I don’t want to be around it, nor do I want my daughter exposed to her hateful attitude.

The party issue may have occurred because she struggles with her social skills like you. Do you want to punish this little girl for the sins of her mother?

It sounds like your daughter is currently the most emotionally mature person in your family.

Show quote history

😂 Pot meet kettle

Sodd · 09/04/2023 07:13

It’s her party, she invites who she wants. Inviting this girl shows she’s mature, kind, inclusive. There is not a bad back history between the two girls, just a party where there weren’t enough spaces, so no need for you to step in.

Wrongsideofpennines · 09/04/2023 07:23

I think you're creating more drama than there needs to be. If the party had limited numbers then that's the reason she wasn't invited.

By not inviting this girl to a party 2 months away, you will be teaching your daughter to be vengeful. And this may have a huge impact on the whole friendship group and how they treat your daughter. She may be left in a worse state than just missing out on one activity.

saraclara · 09/04/2023 07:28

DH, my mum and I told her no, she will not be invited to my DD's who is having hers in June.

Instead of helping your DD to recover from the hurt and move forward, you wound her up by adding your own hurt and anger to the pot.

Fortunately your DD seems to be able to think more clearly than you three, and is certainly showing more maturity.
You are attempting to turn her own party into a drama too, which is in no-one's interests.

It's her party, she invites whoever she likes. Keep your noses out. This isn't Eatenders.

saraclara · 09/04/2023 07:30

By not inviting this girl to a party 2 months away, you will be teaching your daughter to be vengeful. And this may have a huge impact on the whole friendship group and how they treat your daughter. She may be left in a worse state than just missing out on one activity.

Absolutely that. You are not acting in your child's interests AT ALL.

Singularity82 · 09/04/2023 07:35

Nah no way would I invite her. 10 is wayyy old enough to know that it’s nasty to exclude someone. Also, as a mum, I would never have allowed her not to invite her close friend!
give the little madam a taste of her own medicine:

HairyToity · 09/04/2023 07:43

My daughter had this happen to her. Me and DH wanted to miss out the girl from DD's party. DD wanted her there. I let DD have her, as I didn't want to teach her to be vindictive. I decided to be more reserved with this child's mum, no play dates, but yes to party as this was DD's wishes.

Perhaps we were weak willed, and should have stood our ground with DD. I don't know. I thought better to let it go, and for DD to forget about it.

TolkiensFallow · 09/04/2023 07:56

It’s perfectly possibly that this was based on number of spaces in a car. Not sure what the activity is but most cars only have 5 seats including the driver… if they went out somewhere that required the birthday girls parent to drive then it really is a numbers game rather than something to be taken personally.

Scepticalwotsits · 09/04/2023 08:11

Singularity82 · 09/04/2023 07:35

Nah no way would I invite her. 10 is wayyy old enough to know that it’s nasty to exclude someone. Also, as a mum, I would never have allowed her not to invite her close friend!
give the little madam a taste of her own medicine:

And you then teach that tit for tat is a perfectly fine approach to have in life and that every event/activity with another person is on a transactional basis, rather than letting her find out on her own that maybe she doesn’t want them there or that over time the friendship wanes.

it would be different if they were actively bullying them and as a parent you stepped in to not invite that person

EllandRd · 09/04/2023 08:17

Stop being so bloody petty and let your daughter invite who she wants to her party if it makes her happy.

Whatafustercluck · 09/04/2023 08:22

Your dd should invite who she wants to. If it makes her happy to have her while friendship group there, than you shouldn't police that.

I get it though, op. It's a natural instinct and I've been there - although my dd is younger. Her two best friends were invited to hers, neither of them invited her to theirs. She still invited them to her next one, although my instinct had been to encourage her not to. It made her happy to have them there. Sometimes you have to rise above it and hope your dc will one day make the right friendship choices. Until then, it"s a rocky road.

Fansandblankets · 09/04/2023 08:28

They’re 9. They don’t think like adults. If she wants to invite her, let her. Don’t sink to the other girls level. We can’t fight our kids battles. My dd was the same. A couple of friends walked all over her all through junior school and into seniors. She soon saw she was being used. She’s 17 now and doesn’t suffer fools at all. She’s one tough cookie when it comes to friendships .