DD excluded from close friend's bday-should she exclude her from hers ?

[bdaydilemma]

Hi

Need opinions on whether we are BU.

Backstory: DD Age 9 is in a close knit group of 5 friends. One of them had their bday today. During chat time with friends three days ago, DD realised the bday girl had invited the other 4 girls in their group to an activity play and she was not invited. She was gutted but waited all through thinking an invite would come through but none did. To be honest, i was a bit shocked as well because i know she is even closer to the bday girl than two of the others that went in the group.

She cried all through because she couldn't understand why. The bday girl doesnt ahve access to a phone while the other 4 have so of course she couldn't really find out why (though i had told her not to ask her why). I convinced my DD that maybe she had limited spaces for who she could invite.

Today she heard the bday girl said yes she didnt have enough spaces. Fair enough

DD then said oh well she would invite her to hers even though in her words " im not her friend but she's my friend". DH, my mum and I told her no, she will not be invited to my DD's who is having hers in June.

Reason we have said this is because it looks like DD is trying to be desperate to be her friend and i want her to grow up having some self esteem for herself. I have noticed she seems to have developed some inferiority complex lately and I was like this when i was little; I know how this affected me all through till adulthood.

She cried all through 2 days ago because she prioritises this girl but seems its not the other way round.I have told her life is like that sometimes and we want her to grow up to be able to stand up for herself and learn to not prioritise friends that don't prioritise her so they don't mess up with her ego.

we all feel soo bad for her that's why DH and my mum are saying she's not going to be invited to DD's10th party in June. Im also leaning towards this but i just want to know if this is the right thing to do?

i dont want to teach her to be vengeful but then she needs to build her self esteem and know that yes even though these things happen, there is a way to deal with these kind of situations

What do you guys think pls?

Friendships wax and wane and holding grudges is rarely worthwhile.

Let your DD invite this girl because it would increase your DD's joy on her birthday to have here there. Not because she's desperate to stay in with her. Friendships are changeable and need plenty of time spent together and positive interactions to develop and flourish. Given that, from what you've said, this friendship is broadly positive for your DD, you're just harming your own child (not protecting her) when you deprive her of an opportunity for positive interaction with her friend for no good reason.

Such a tricky one but I would just comfort your daughter and don’t really talk about the party much until nearer the time

it was mean not of her though this whole friendship thing is so tricky at that age

My eight year old did not get invited to her friends (in the group) birthday party / sleepover and they are literally next door ! and in the same class.
probably because they both love playing with the same girl ( in the friendship group) and my daughter would upset the dynamics … different personalities etc
thankfully my daughter is fine and gets the situation and still sent an invite to her own party some months later.

It will be her birthday and if you don't let her invite her friend then she will spend her party without her friend. I don't see how this will help her self esteem.

Omg they are just kids, friendships change daily if not hourly at this age. Let her invite who she wants but I'd wait until closer to June to decide.

To be honest, i was a bit shocked as well because i know she is even closer to the bday girl than two of the others that went in the group.

This is a really odd statement. Says who? According to you, perhaps, but clearly not to the little girl or she would have included your DD and not one of those two.

You can't decide where your own child falls in the friendship of another child, and think she is more worthy of their invites, then get miffed when she is not deemed as "worthy" as you thought.

Let your DD invite who she likes. So what if she's slightly more attached to this girl than it seems the other way round. That's most primary friendships. They're both friends, and that's nice, it's not desperate in any way to invite her.

I think allowing your DD to make the call will teach her far more than any of your suggestions.

Honestly, you sound like a petty teenager the way you're talking about it!
"Getting dropped" and "acting desperate" - it's all very reality Tv.

"Yes I'd be sad too if my friend didn't invite me to their party as well - shall we do something exciting today instead?"
That's all you need to say - wait and see in a months time if she wants to invite the other girl. If she does, let her, don't add to playground drama.

I think it would be unfair to exclude the girl when it was most likely her mother/parent who dropped your DD.
Not inviting her would be cruel, why would you want to teach your 9yr old to be cruel?

I think learning to be a bit more resilient and teaching her about fair imput as far as friendships and relationships go is a good thing for when she starts secondary where these things get a bit more nuanced.
It would be more reasonable to not invite someone in return under these circumstances when they are teenagers if there was some conflict in general but not for 9/10 yr olds.

I feel for you and your dd. Girl friendships at this age are brutal. The angst and drama I went through with my dd at secondary school was awful. They’re friends, then not friends, then choose one of the group to pick on, then another the next day/week/month. It’s draining. But June is a while off yet. I’d see how things develop.

Sorry, read Year 9, but see she is age 9.

The friend's birthday celebration was of the type where numbers were limited. Sadly for your DD, she wasn't chosen.

And now you are encouraging your DD to ditch the friend. How sad that a friendship will end because of the type of birthday party chosen. This often happens when 'whole class' parties stop after KS1. Someone often feels left out, but the reality is just numbers and cost.

Try not to manipulate friendships. It's not a good lesson to teach.

I would let her invite her otherwise you’ll create drama and possibly a split in the friendship group. Unless of course numbers are very tight and she would order others over her.

One of my DDs had a birthday the day before another girl in her class - every year DD invited her to her party and the girl usually declined. The girl had small parties but did invite DD in year 6. When they reached secondary they were in the same class again, DD didn’t invite the girl to her year 7 party - there was so much drama, tears over social media from the girl (even though she didn’t invite DD to hers 😂). You’ve potentially got years of this to come!

It was your dd’s friends parents who set the number limit. It was probably also them who influenced who was invited - if the parents are friendly with some of the other girls parents then they would have probably chosen them for her.

not everyone gets invited to every party. Whilst your dd is upset, she understands that. I think you should back off and let her invite who she wants. You are just escalating and perpetuating the situation of you start deciding who can and can’t come!

In all honesty I blame the mother. It was really wrong of her to organise an activity that one of the girls would need to be left out of, she would know there’s a group of 5 friends. I would tell your daughter it was the mother who was very much in the wrong creating this situation.

If she’s crying for days, that’s not a normal reaction, I’d be working on making her more resilient and understanding we can’t always be invited to the parties we want to go to. Telling her she can’t invite a child who didn’t invite her is childish, she’s her own person and it sounds like projecting on your part.

If she wants to invite her, of course you should. It’s not tit for tat. At this age especially, parties get quite small as increasingly expensive. It’s fine. Not everyone can be invited to everything. Don’t punish your dd and her friend for the restrictions her parents placed on the party.

Depends on the dynamics of the group. If they've been a solid group of five for sometime? and DD is actually her closest friend? to exclude her speaks volumes. and for the Mum to choose an activity that only allows 4 speaks volumes about what kind of person she is.

I can’t believe how many people seem cool about this. They’re a group of 5 close mates and her DD was deliberately excluded. “No space” is a pathetic excuse. Imagine if adults did this to each other. There’s no suggestion their friendship group keeps changing either. No wonder DD is upset.

YANBU OP. I agree with your points and I’d be the same

Invite her. It would be petty and spiteful not to.

Teach your DD that just because someone is rude/mean to you doesn’t mean you should be rude/mean to them.

I think you and your family seem a bit intense.

You can think the worst of this little girl and her mum or just assume that the numbers were limited and it's not personal.

You, your husband and mum all sitting around talking about DD 'looking desperate' and planning a revenge snub while DD cried for two days is a huge overreaction.

Let her invite who she likes and move on. None of this is a serious issue.

I do understand getting whipped up in the emotion when your child is upset, but you need to chill.

Given its her birthday, let your daughter do what she wants do to. It's nice she's not being petty like you all are, don't teach her to play games

Or maybe the other child doesn’t like the OP’s daughter as much as she thinks she does, friendship groups change all the time when children are young, no child should be forced to invite a child to a party.

You're going to really regret this if the little girl ends up turning on her as the weak one in the group and takes the other three with her. It's not worth meddling in these things, let her navigate it herself. She's the one that has to deal with these kids day in day out, interference isn't always productive

This exactly is my point.

Its not because she wasn't invited to a friend's party. She has also not been invited to some other friends' parties which she has always been fine with. Likewise i understand about numbers/costs so im not disputing that. DD's birthday is going to accommodate 10-12 pple so definitely there would be people she cannot invite.

But here they are a group of 5 which she has been the only one left out after years of being invited to hers and vice versa round the group. Thats why im asking.

They have been a close group since Year 2 so its just a bit nasty to remove her alone in my own opinion and im not willing to pay for someone who may have deliberately hurt my DD and not really prioritise her.

But ill guess i will leave it to her to invite her if she wants to.