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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD excluded from close friend's bday-should she exclude her from hers ?

132 replies

bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 20:21

Hi

Need opinions on whether we are BU.

Backstory: DD Age 9 is in a close knit group of 5 friends. One of them had their bday today. During chat time with friends three days ago, DD realised the bday girl had invited the other 4 girls in their group to an activity play and she was not invited. She was gutted but waited all through thinking an invite would come through but none did. To be honest, i was a bit shocked as well because i know she is even closer to the bday girl than two of the others that went in the group.

She cried all through because she couldn't understand why. The bday girl doesnt ahve access to a phone while the other 4 have so of course she couldn't really find out why (though i had told her not to ask her why). I convinced my DD that maybe she had limited spaces for who she could invite.

Today she heard the bday girl said yes she didnt have enough spaces. Fair enough

DD then said oh well she would invite her to hers even though in her words " im not her friend but she's my friend". DH, my mum and I told her no, she will not be invited to my DD's who is having hers in June.

Reason we have said this is because it looks like DD is trying to be desperate to be her friend and i want her to grow up having some self esteem for herself. I have noticed she seems to have developed some inferiority complex lately and I was like this when i was little; I know how this affected me all through till adulthood.

She cried all through 2 days ago because she prioritises this girl but seems its not the other way round.I have told her life is like that sometimes and we want her to grow up to be able to stand up for herself and learn to not prioritise friends that don't prioritise her so they don't mess up with her ego.

we all feel soo bad for her that's why DH and my mum are saying she's not going to be invited to DD's10th party in June. Im also leaning towards this but i just want to know if this is the right thing to do?

i dont want to teach her to be vengeful but then she needs to build her self esteem and know that yes even though these things happen, there is a way to deal with these kind of situations

What do you guys think pls?

OP posts:
Holly60 · 09/04/2023 08:35

I think that

  1. You convincing her not to ask her friend why she wasn't invited was a bit misguided. To build her self esteem you should have modelled that she is important enough to deserve an explanation. Not just make assumptions but actually find out what was happening, and give her a chance to express her hurt.
  1. Let her make a decision about inviting her friend. You are making a big deal out of it but maybe don't need to. She gets to be the bigger person and do what is right for her.

You say you have self esteem issues and I think this is colouring your interpretation of what has happened

ittakes2 · 09/04/2023 08:59

I have boy/girl twins and it gives you a different perspective on things. Something like this would have tied me up in knots when my children were younger...but I realised in life that people's relationships don't develop at the same pace. It's clear your daughter regards this girl as one of her closest friends but it is also clear the girl regards your daughter as a number four friend in the group (and this girls mother is rather unkind creating this scenario) but the reality is....if you let your daughter make her own decisions about her friendship you never know...this girl and her might become best friends. I mean do you think all adult relationships develop the exact same feelings at the exact same time? How many stories do we hear that one person is ready for marriage and the other needs a little longer? Do people fall in love at the exact same time? What I would not do is teach your daughter to react so strongly to this rejection because she will be rejected again in life and she needs to develop resilience to deal with it rather than drama.

Zanatdy · 09/04/2023 09:02

I never bought into the she didn’t invite you, you can’t invite her. Let her invite whoever she wants. You’re making her feel worse telling her she can’t have her friend at her party. My kids are teens now but I remember all the fuss around this and of course it’s upsetting but don’t engage in tit for tat

Catshaveiteasy · 09/04/2023 10:21

It won't be long till she is at secondary school. Friendships will chop and change around then, even if these other girls attend the same school. She will learn gradually who is a worthy friend, who she really gets on well with etc. You can't teach her that now - let her decide what to do about her party. Maybe the group will leave her out at school from now on or maybe there will be no change, because the lack of invite was for a different reason.

No one likes to be rejected or left out, but vengeance isn't the answer, and we all need to learn to be resilient. You just need to support her through it.

Original poster
bdaydilemma · 09/04/2023 10:57

Ladybug14 · 09/04/2023 06:23

In your opening post you say that you your husband and your Mum told DD that she will not be inviting friend to her party

Now you are saying DD can invite who she likes

I think you are the problem here, OP

DD should be told that party friend made a choice which was a sad choice for DD. It probably means that DD isn't such a close friend to party friend, as DD thinks she is

DD makes her own choice about HER party , bearing this in mind

DD doesn't need to hear or take on board your vitriol and bile

🙄

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 09/04/2023 11:01

I think you're playing tit for tat.

Be there for her feelings, she wont learn anything with you making that decision for her.

CheersForThatEh · 09/04/2023 11:01

bdaydilemma · 09/04/2023 10:57

🙄

Show quote history

You can 🙄 all you like but shes right.

mummyh2016 · 09/04/2023 11:10

OP I get it, I would feel exactly the same. I also begrudgingly agree with most of the other posters, if DD wants to invite the girl then let her. I would however try to get her friendly with some other kids if possible as well. Purely because I couldn't be arsed with dealing with this situation for the next how many years.

Original poster
bdaydilemma · 09/04/2023 11:10

Thanks to everyone who has been kind enough to explain without throwing around nasty comments

To those saying I'm vile etc that's up to you . She is my daughter and it's my natural instinct to protect her from any hurt as much as I can in this world.

She's a mature 9 year old not 5. I've watched them grow in their friendship circle and I don't see this as next week their friendship would change kind of thing etc . It's been solid since years back

My original question was for advice on if what we were proposing was right not that we were going to force her to do it. It was only natural for us to say that given she was distraught at the time and everything was in the heat of the moment

To the PP that said I have a complex , I said I DID when I was little and I know how this affected me to quickly please pple that didn't want me. No one was there to guide me

I'm here to guide my daughter to not let anyone walk all over her because her response to the whole situation sounded desperate and not being the bigger person.

It's still going to be her decision at the end of the day 😌

Thanks

OP posts:
saraclara · 09/04/2023 11:13

What was the eye roll about @bdaydilemma ? That poster was absolutely right. You did change your story, and the action she suggested is what we've all said. Help your DD to mend positively rather than encouraging tit for tat behaviour (which always ends badly).

saraclara · 09/04/2023 11:14

It's still going to be her decision at the end of the day 😌

I'm glad. But let her make it positively rather than shrugging your shoulders and saying "okay, if you must"

AnonymousArabella · 09/04/2023 11:18

Letting her make her own decision will ultimately build much better self esteem. As will being able to acknowledge not being invited as a bit disappointing but ultimately just one of those things.

Let your dd lead the way. Empower her by showing her you know she will make appropriate decisions.

Original poster
bdaydilemma · 09/04/2023 11:19

saraclara · 09/04/2023 11:13

What was the eye roll about @bdaydilemma ? That poster was absolutely right. You did change your story, and the action she suggested is what we've all said. Help your DD to mend positively rather than encouraging tit for tat behaviour (which always ends badly).

*Im also leaning towards this but i just want to know if this is the right thing to do?
*
Guess you didn't read right.This was in my OP. I never said for sure and that's why I threw this out here . DH and my DM were saying that in the heat of the moment

Obviously throughout this discussion I have said she would choose who she wants

OP posts:
Tescoland · 09/04/2023 11:23

So what was the birthday activity that they couldn’t include your daughter in? Really. Would it have been so difficult to include just one more person? Cinema, ice skating, house party, horse riding, go-carting etc..these activities have no limitations. Your daughter is supposed to be a part of that friendship group and was cruelly outcast by her “friend”.
She and her mum are a nasty bunch, I wouldn’t invite her back to my party. I stand with you OP.

MinnieEgg · 09/04/2023 12:34

This is when friendships change, I remember it with my girls. In year three the children started to become friends with who they wanted to be friends with rather than who they happened to be friends with because their parents know each other.

OllytheCollie · 09/04/2023 12:47

Just another perspective: my.middle DD was part of a close knit group of friends throughout primary and was not invited to one of their 7th or 8th birthdays. She was hurt. We told her it was not a big deal,maybe there were a ltd no of spaces, whatever. DD invited the same girl to her birthday party a couple of months later. They had a lovely time. I chatted to friends mum at the party, turned out she and the Dad had just been through a messy divorce, he had literally just.moved out the week before f the bday party and neither of them spotted DD was not invited. Good thing DD hadn't made a fuss as bday girl one was having a tough enough time as it was.

Seven years on they are at high school together and still good friends. Be the bigger person. Role model that.

Breakingpoint1961 · 09/04/2023 21:36

OP as much as it irks you (and believe me I'd be so upset too) ignore the nasty comments, but let your DD decide completely, without any influence what she wants to do.

It is hard, very hard indeed, but life is, and I'm sure this will not be the last incident with 'friends'.

I hope it all works outFlowers

FrumptyMumpty · 09/04/2023 21:41

Take yourself out of your daughters social life NOW.

Stop projecting your own needs for your daughter to be popular onto her. She is experiencing life.

If she wants the friend at her birthday - LET HER!!!

Sorry but you are being a rubbish parent and role model right now. Get out of her head!!!

Breakingpoint1961 · 10/04/2023 07:28

@FrumptyMumpty so angryShockreally unhelpfulHmm

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/04/2023 08:24

Fucking hell at some of the replies on this thread! OP's daughter has been incredibly upset at being the only one excluded from a tight group. So would anyone be! I've seen countless posts from grown up women on Mumsnet upset in similar circumstances.

OP only wants to do the best for her daughter and yet here are some posters calling her vile, interfering, toxic, a bad parent, and on and on. WTF?

I happen to think op's dd should take a step back from this other girl and if she were my daughter that's what I would be gently encouraging. There's nothing more annoying to a bully than indifference. But that's not interfering! It's called being supportive, or parenting.

Dilemma19 · 10/04/2023 09:09

Wellthatsthatthenisntit · 08/04/2023 21:48

I can’t believe how many people seem cool about this. They’re a group of 5 close mates and her DD was deliberately excluded. “No space” is a pathetic excuse. Imagine if adults did this to each other. There’s no suggestion their friendship group keeps changing either. No wonder DD is upset.

YANBU OP. I agree with your points and I’d be the same

Same!! The mother knew they were 5 friends b it she kept the party at 4 - horrible mother. I wouldn't invite her either. The girl also doesn't consider your child a friend, why encourage her to be treated this way? It's not about being a bigger person, it's also not allowing yourself to be treated badly!! A 9yo also chooses at this point who to invite, don't you think knowing they are a group of 5 she could have chosen at leasing something where the numbers included 5. This girl was intentionally awful, I wouldn't want my dd running after her. You don't think a 9yo has a pretty big say in how her party goes- off course she was mean.

Dilemma19 · 10/04/2023 09:12

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/04/2023 08:24

Fucking hell at some of the replies on this thread! OP's daughter has been incredibly upset at being the only one excluded from a tight group. So would anyone be! I've seen countless posts from grown up women on Mumsnet upset in similar circumstances.

OP only wants to do the best for her daughter and yet here are some posters calling her vile, interfering, toxic, a bad parent, and on and on. WTF?

I happen to think op's dd should take a step back from this other girl and if she were my daughter that's what I would be gently encouraging. There's nothing more annoying to a bully than indifference. But that's not interfering! It's called being supportive, or parenting.

Agree, this girl has been so nasty to her dd and people are encouraging her to be a doormat! Op has explained that her dd is also developing a complex around this girl too, I would start encouraging her wrt other friendships.

Original poster
bdaydilemma · 10/04/2023 12:28

FrumptyMumpty · 09/04/2023 21:41

Take yourself out of your daughters social life NOW.

Stop projecting your own needs for your daughter to be popular onto her. She is experiencing life.

If she wants the friend at her birthday - LET HER!!!

Sorry but you are being a rubbish parent and role model right now. Get out of her head!!!

Angry much 🙄?

OP posts:
Original poster
bdaydilemma · 10/04/2023 12:32

@Dilemma19 thank you. You just summed up my thought process

Not sure how guiding my daughter to be her own self and not suck up to friends who don't prioritise her has turned me to a mean and vile parent 😌

OP posts:
Original poster
bdaydilemma · 10/04/2023 12:34

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/04/2023 08:24

Fucking hell at some of the replies on this thread! OP's daughter has been incredibly upset at being the only one excluded from a tight group. So would anyone be! I've seen countless posts from grown up women on Mumsnet upset in similar circumstances.

OP only wants to do the best for her daughter and yet here are some posters calling her vile, interfering, toxic, a bad parent, and on and on. WTF?

I happen to think op's dd should take a step back from this other girl and if she were my daughter that's what I would be gently encouraging. There's nothing more annoying to a bully than indifference. But that's not interfering! It's called being supportive, or parenting.

Thank you 💐

OP posts: