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Original poster

DD excluded from close friend's bday-should she exclude her from hers ?

132 replies

bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 20:21

Hi

Need opinions on whether we are BU.

Backstory: DD Age 9 is in a close knit group of 5 friends. One of them had their bday today. During chat time with friends three days ago, DD realised the bday girl had invited the other 4 girls in their group to an activity play and she was not invited. She was gutted but waited all through thinking an invite would come through but none did. To be honest, i was a bit shocked as well because i know she is even closer to the bday girl than two of the others that went in the group.

She cried all through because she couldn't understand why. The bday girl doesnt ahve access to a phone while the other 4 have so of course she couldn't really find out why (though i had told her not to ask her why). I convinced my DD that maybe she had limited spaces for who she could invite.

Today she heard the bday girl said yes she didnt have enough spaces. Fair enough

DD then said oh well she would invite her to hers even though in her words " im not her friend but she's my friend". DH, my mum and I told her no, she will not be invited to my DD's who is having hers in June.

Reason we have said this is because it looks like DD is trying to be desperate to be her friend and i want her to grow up having some self esteem for herself. I have noticed she seems to have developed some inferiority complex lately and I was like this when i was little; I know how this affected me all through till adulthood.

She cried all through 2 days ago because she prioritises this girl but seems its not the other way round.I have told her life is like that sometimes and we want her to grow up to be able to stand up for herself and learn to not prioritise friends that don't prioritise her so they don't mess up with her ego.

we all feel soo bad for her that's why DH and my mum are saying she's not going to be invited to DD's10th party in June. Im also leaning towards this but i just want to know if this is the right thing to do?

i dont want to teach her to be vengeful but then she needs to build her self esteem and know that yes even though these things happen, there is a way to deal with these kind of situations

What do you guys think pls?

OP posts:
GOW56 · 08/04/2023 22:15

Its her birthday and she should be allowed to2 choose who to invite.
You won't teach her self confidence and self esteem by not allowing her to make her own decisions.
Friendship groups change a lot at that age.They can be best friends one week and not talking the week after.
Taking it as seriously as you seem to be will just make it much more difficult for your daughter.

Coffeeandcake15 · 08/04/2023 22:18

bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 22:13

This exactly is my point.

Its not because she wasn't invited to a friend's party. She has also not been invited to some other friends' parties which she has always been fine with. Likewise i understand about numbers/costs so im not disputing that. DD's birthday is going to accommodate 10-12 pple so definitely there would be people she cannot invite.

But here they are a group of 5 which she has been the only one left out after years of being invited to hers and vice versa round the group. Thats why im asking.

They have been a close group since Year 2 so its just a bit nasty to remove her alone in my own opinion and im not willing to pay for someone who may have deliberately hurt my DD and not really prioritise her.

But ill guess i will leave it to her to invite her if she wants to.

Show quote history

In that post you made it about you, not your daughter. You need to stop projecting this onto your daughter, it’s not fair. You’re not at school with them so you have no idea of the actual dynamics of the friendship group. I can understand your frustrations but friendship groups do change all the time.

converseandjeans · 08/04/2023 22:19

Agree with @TheaBrandt

Invite. Be the bigger person. We had this it was the bitch of a mother wanting to only invite the girls of the women she was sucking up to

We had this and it was totally the Mum engineering the social life of her daughter.

Just include all 4 girls if they are all friends in school. It might not even be the girls decision.

Noodledoodledoo · 08/04/2023 23:03

I get you as we are in a similar situation with my daughter, and I try my hardest to not project on to my daughter as I always found myself in similar situations as a child.

I am spending a lot of energy getting my daughter to look at the 'friendship' when things occur, how it makes her feel, why x may be doing things, how it impacts on her, how she can manage the situation as they arise,

I am putting things in place as my daughter asks me to help resolve things, encouraging her to do things differently, in the hope that she navigates this all herself. I am not saying what she should do or not do as hard as it is!

It's taken a while but it is slowly making her see this friendship isn't worth the upset.

Original poster
bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 23:10

Noodledoodledoo · 08/04/2023 23:03

I get you as we are in a similar situation with my daughter, and I try my hardest to not project on to my daughter as I always found myself in similar situations as a child.

I am spending a lot of energy getting my daughter to look at the 'friendship' when things occur, how it makes her feel, why x may be doing things, how it impacts on her, how she can manage the situation as they arise,

I am putting things in place as my daughter asks me to help resolve things, encouraging her to do things differently, in the hope that she navigates this all herself. I am not saying what she should do or not do as hard as it is!

It's taken a while but it is slowly making her see this friendship isn't worth the upset.

Thank you . Will do just this

OP posts:
Gogogo1 · 08/04/2023 23:23

Your dd is showing maturity by saying that she’s her friend regardless she will go far.
my dd had the same with a friend I felt like you, I voiced my opinion abs told her not to let anyone walk all over her. She decided to invite anyway. They now left primary abs stay in touch and have a nice friendship. Trust in your dd she knows what’s happening on the ground and if she gets hurt a few times by this friendship that’s ok she will get there.
she’s not gonna be a walkover as she has you all by her side give her the ultimate choice.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 08/04/2023 23:23

Mine had a similar situation but had already invited the other child before she realised she had been purposely excluded from the other girl's. Personally I wouldn't invite the other child and would encourage my child to chose children who value her friendship more.

Noodledoodledoo · 08/04/2023 23:30

What breaks my heart is she has asked me to speak to her teacher as one of her friends got really upset over this other friends behaviour and its not right, but accepts it happening to her and has said 'well thats how it is'

It's a really tough one to navigate, I have drastically reduced parties to minimum numbers, I know she has others who will be nearer the top to avoid the stress.

Shinyredbicycle · 08/04/2023 23:47

The other way to look at it is she may NOT have deliberately hurt your dd and she's free to ' prioritise' who she wants.

Year 5 is the classic year for friendships established in KS1 to change, sometimes really suddenly.

You and your dd have got years of navigating friendships ahead of you. Keep an eye on the bigger picture. It's one party. Everyone experiences disappointment and feeling that they're being left out at some point. It's
Upsetting and difficult, but it's importance shouldn't be elevated to define a friendship.

caringcarer · 09/04/2023 00:31

Wait until June for your dd to decide.

Powerof321 · 09/04/2023 00:39

I wouldn’t invite her personally but i can be quite petty

Partyandbullshit · 09/04/2023 00:52

I’ve been there with my DD!

I felt the way you do, but saw it as a learning opportunity. I asked my DD to think about it and to be honest with herself, telling that these things happen all the time to people of all ages, and explaining we don’t always know what’s going on in other people’s lives.

My DD slowly worked her way thinking through her relationship with her friend, and looked back with different eyes on a few things that had happened that she’d brushed off. She reassessed, and decided that she appreciated this girl for her humour and fun attitude and didn’t want to miss out on that, but that their interests had diverged (other girl majorly into gymnastics with the third girl in the group, my DD not at all) and although they spent a lot of time together it wasn’t as much as the other two girls together and my DD hadn’t appreciated that. Plus the party was a gymnastics-themed thing. She still invited both girls, both came (as well as others), they had a great time. The friendship recalibrated itself. FF, the girls all are still friendly but they’ve all moved on - no hard feelings anywhere.

Let your DD take ownership of her own relationships. You just support her and give her the benefit of your experience if she asks for it.

pizzaHeart · 09/04/2023 01:02

The problem is that if you are inviting 10 people, not inviting this girl will look odd. Whereas their decision was “nothing personal, just numbers “. However in reality it’s their decision that was really mean. There are tonnes of activities for 6, I’m sure, but they’ve chosen one for 5! They could choose something else or ask for an extra person. Nope. They’ve chosen to exclude one person. Very strange.
I think your DD should invite whom she wants considering numbers. I just would be really watchful if I were you about the dynamic of the group.

JMSA · 09/04/2023 01:07

Oh my God, your can't micromanage her life and friendships to this degree. She needs to figure it out for herself. By all means say to her 'well, I don't think you should invite X because ...', but ultimately it should be her decision.
Let her be the bigger person, if she wants to be.
Plus, you'll look like a tit when they all make up.

Goldbar · 09/04/2023 02:50

bdaydilemma · 08/04/2023 22:13

This exactly is my point.

Its not because she wasn't invited to a friend's party. She has also not been invited to some other friends' parties which she has always been fine with. Likewise i understand about numbers/costs so im not disputing that. DD's birthday is going to accommodate 10-12 pple so definitely there would be people she cannot invite.

But here they are a group of 5 which she has been the only one left out after years of being invited to hers and vice versa round the group. Thats why im asking.

They have been a close group since Year 2 so its just a bit nasty to remove her alone in my own opinion and im not willing to pay for someone who may have deliberately hurt my DD and not really prioritise her.

But ill guess i will leave it to her to invite her if she wants to.

Show quote history

You need to swallow your hurt on behalf of your DD (which is completely understandable) and play this strategically. It may be that the interests in the group are starting to change and the group is less solid than it has been in the past. The other girls may be growing up more quickly than your DD and a gap may be developing. If you want to be there for your DD and support her, being aware of the group dynamics and what is happening with the girls is probably the first step. Are they growing apart? Or was it just an arbitrary decision to exclude your DD? If the first, I'd be quietly providing her with opportunities to make new friends in the background so she is less vulnerable to any potential rift. If the second, giving chances like playdates/parties to re-cement the friendship might be a good thing. But it would be silly and potentially counter-productive to exclude this girl as a knee-jerk reaction if actually this is going to undermine your DD's main friendships.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 09/04/2023 03:36

Ever think to wonder why adults, especially women are so nasty and messed up? Your children learn what you teach them. She already wants to be the bigger person and be nice, let her be that person. You should be so proud to have such a lovely natured daughter (don't get me wrong I would be so angry and hurt for my child, but there may be a life lesson to be learned here, and your DD comes up on top). All the best for your DD, I hope she has a wonderful birthday Flowers

Whatifthegrassisblue · 09/04/2023 03:36

Whatifthegrassisblue · 09/04/2023 03:36

Ever think to wonder why adults, especially women are so nasty and messed up? Your children learn what you teach them. She already wants to be the bigger person and be nice, let her be that person. You should be so proud to have such a lovely natured daughter (don't get me wrong I would be so angry and hurt for my child, but there may be a life lesson to be learned here, and your DD comes up on top). All the best for your DD, I hope she has a wonderful birthday Flowers

They were meant to be flowers not an angry face!

snitzelvoncrumb · 09/04/2023 03:47

Is the girl excluding DD a little witch that plays games with the friendship, or do you think there was just no space? It depends on what the child is like. My daughter had a few frenemies and I happily excluded them.

WandaWonder · 09/04/2023 05:01

Maybe if children were allowed to navigate more social things and parents realise it is not about them then kids might have an easier time

It is not about you

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 05:24

You need to let your DD decide who is invited.

Yes, there’s a balance to be found between being a walkover, but instinctive tit-for-tat isn’t necessarily a good thing either.

Tbh I’d have far more of an issue of the parents of a girl who hangs around in a group of 5 giving her a birthday where she could only have 4 than a 9/10 year old girl put in the position of having to pick someone to leave out…
Its important to remember that at that age they don’t always have complete freedom to pick everyone.

liveforsummer · 09/04/2023 05:34

FeetOnly · 08/04/2023 20:36

I think you're thinking too far in advance. Her birthday is in June, they'll all be best friends again, then enemies then friends again by then.

This- June is a long time away and they will probably all have forgotten about it by then - they found be absolute besties by then or she could have an entirely new friendship group. Dc at that age are fickle and she'd have invited based on who she was closest to on that particular week. Maybe she'd just had a play date with one of the other dc that she's normally less close to for example

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/04/2023 06:11

Let your daughter invite her if she wants to. You are being petty and making it so that she will lose this friend and probably the friendship group.
maybe your petty/revengeful attitude is shy your daughter wasn’t invite, have you let her parents see this attitude before.

YellowGreenBlue · 09/04/2023 06:16

I think the best way of handling this is to not make to big a deal if it. It's fine to be upset, but then we move on. If the girls are generally friendly and there are no other friendship issues I'd encourage DD to invite the other girl as part of this 'moving on' process.

Blueblell · 09/04/2023 06:17

I would not encourage the tit for tat not inviting to birthdays and I would try and reassure your DD that there is probably a more practical reason for not being invited. Although I understand how heartbreaking it is to see your DD go through this.

Birthday parties are a bit of a minefield and I am glad I don’t have to deal with them anymore. But it is possible that the mum is driving them to something and can only fit 4 kids in the car or it is an activity with limited numbers. I remember preferring to invite kids whose parents I was in greater contact with. Not because I liked the kids or the parents more, but just because it makes it easier to arrange and I was always anxious about arranging parties and driving other peoples children ect ect. But obviously she has been the one to be left out which is upsetting. I don’t know if this is the case here but I would play it down with your daughter to make her feel better.

Ladybug14 · 09/04/2023 06:23

In your opening post you say that you your husband and your Mum told DD that she will not be inviting friend to her party

Now you are saying DD can invite who she likes

I think you are the problem here, OP

DD should be told that party friend made a choice which was a sad choice for DD. It probably means that DD isn't such a close friend to party friend, as DD thinks she is

DD makes her own choice about HER party , bearing this in mind

DD doesn't need to hear or take on board your vitriol and bile