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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about this

174 replies

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 12:56

At Christmas my eldest dd (12)didn’t really know what she wanted for her main present she is young for her age and seems at an awkward in between stage where she is past kid stuff but not interested in things that older girls are into.

I said I would give her £100 and take her for a shopping trip after Xmas without younger siblings to buy clothes and out for lunch etc which was a big treat for her as we rarely get the opportunity to do things on our own. She was pleased with that and we had a nice time on the day. When we discussed the money before Xmas I said it would mainly just be for clothes and but she could buy maybe something else if she had anything leftover. She loves teddies/soft toys and would spend £100 on those easily, but her bedroom is full of them and she was getting more from her dad for Xmas so I was clear that the money wasn’t for soft toys and she seemed happy with the plan.

I have just found out that after Christmas she went to her dads and he told her that it wasn’t fair that she had to spend her Christmas money on clothes and reimbursed her the money to spend in soft toys/crap at his house. He told her not to tell me.

Aibu to be really pissed off about it? I had to organise childcare for younger dc so we could have this day out and it was a treat for us both because we never really get a chance to do anything just the 2 of us. Not to mention that £100 is a lot of money in our household. I thought we had a really nice day but I feel like he just went and told my dd I’d given her a rubbish present. Maybe I was being unfair to tell her that she couldn’t spend the money on whatever she wanted, I should mention I absolutely detest soft toys in all their forms so I find it hard to be supportive of her adding to her already enormous collection!

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/04/2023 13:01

Clothes aren’t presents, parents are supposed to provide them. She spent her money on stuff she wanted.

I’m on his side with this one.

growgrowinggrown · 08/04/2023 13:01

You've said yourself she could have happily spent that money on teddies, so why not have bought her teddies for Christmas?

I think unless it's a specific fashion/brand item she's requested i.e latest trainers, then making her use her Xmas money for clothes is a bit tight. At that age is expect to be buying the main bulk of them still.

Not sure how I'd feel about the ex stepping in like that though without contacting you first.

I guess he felt he was doing the right thing making sure she got a 'gift' and not essentials.

TidyDancer · 08/04/2023 13:07

Encouraging your DD to lie to you was a shit thing to do and doesn't bode well for the future but apart from that I agree with your ex. You dictated what your DD could spend her own money on because you didn't like the things she probably would've wanted and made her spend it on things that should be provided for her anyway.

I don't think for a second you had bad intentions, and as I said I disagree with your ex encouraging your DD to lie to you, but you've misjudged this one imo.

Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:09

I didn’t buy her teddies because her bedroom is absolutely full of them and I have already told her that I won’t buy her anymore big ones unless she thinks about rehoming some of the ones she already has. She did get presents in Christmas Day too, this was just as her main present. I buy her clothes all the time too but she doesn’t really get a chance to go into shops and choose her own as her sibling has asd and isn’t able to go into shops without having a meltdown.

If she had asked for anything else I would have bought it for her but she didn’t want anything.

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 08/04/2023 13:09

I would be more pissed off he is getting her to keep things from you.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/04/2023 13:10

Clothes, unless branded and expensive, aren't presents. You or her father should be buying her those anyway.

He shouldn't have got her to lie but you should not be telling her what she can spend her own money on.

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 13:11

I think the big issue here is him undermining you and then asking her to lie/hide the information from you?

It’s fine that he disagrees with you telling her what she could/couldn’t buy. But it should have ended there. He shouldn’t have interfered in your gift and he certainly shouldn’t have asked her to keep information from you.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 08/04/2023 13:11

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LoveBluey · 08/04/2023 13:11

Yeah unless she really wanted some specific clothes/brands then it's not the best present. I would probably have said she could spend half on soft toys and half on something else (board games / crafts / video games etc)

I sometimes wrap a few bits of special clothing (party dresses etc) for my DD but I don't actually include them in my present budget. It's more that I've happened to buy them in the month leading up to her birthday or Xmas so I include them with the presents but I don't think clothing should be a present when they are young.

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 13:14

Sorry op is it that she could have bought anything she wanted but not teddies, or did you specially say she could only buy clothes?

if it’s the former I really don’t see an issue.

DiscoDragon · 08/04/2023 13:14

£100 isn't really a present if you dictate what she can or can't spend it on is it! When my children have money from birthday's or Christmas they can spend it on what they actually want within reason! I might make some suggestions about how they could get the most from their money but wouldn't insist they only spend it on something basic that I should be providing for them anyway.

Zanatdy · 08/04/2023 13:14

Clothes are fine as a gift. My daughter always chooses clothes off Shein for birthdays / Christmas. Yes I buy her clothes as an essential but trust me she doesn’t NEED all the clothes she has. They are extra and are treats. He was out of order

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/04/2023 13:15

So you told her what the money would be spent on? That's not much of a present for her then is it? Can't blame her dad for treating her tbh.

TheChosenTwo · 08/04/2023 13:16

I think you did a really nice thing to be honest. We buy our dc clothes as and when they grow and need new stuff but you actually offered a nice day out with the 2 of you, organised childcare so she had you to herself and then got to choose clothes she liked. 12 is a tricky inbetween age, my dds have asked for specific clothes for birthdays/Christmas for a few years now (they are older teens and just choose their own stuff anyway), they can be presents if that’s what you decide. You say you buy her clothes as and when so I don’t think it’s out of order or shitty, you had a nice day out together.
your ex is the shitty one here, for undermining your parenting decisions and also for encouraging her to lie to you. Yes soft toys are nice but I wouldn’t be happy spending what is a significant amount of her present budget on them either and would encourage a more practical spend of the money. There’s only so much money to go round.

LadyMargaretDevereux · 08/04/2023 13:16

I think a shopping trip with you, with £100 to spend is a fantastic gift - very grown up and fun. Spending money on clothes for fun is great!

OIivia · 08/04/2023 13:17

I would have wanted to do the same as what her Dad done as you gave her a very restricted present full of control. But I wouldn't have done it like he done it, I'd have just said down the line come on let's go shopping and let her pick what she wanted. I wouldn't have made it anything to do with your present.

Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:18

I didn’t make her buy school uniform and knickers, she bought whatever she wanted and she had a nice time and was happy with the clothes she bought which weren’t clothes I would have bought her. I buy all her clothes the rest of the time but we don’t have money to buy anything frivolous just for the hell of it so she was happy to go wild and buy anything she wanted on the day.

OP posts:
unclebuck · 08/04/2023 13:18

Clothes are a lovely present. MN is so fucking weird.
He should not be telling her to keep things from you OP. How he spends his money is his choice but I'd go berserk about the 'secrets'

YellowGreenBlue · 08/04/2023 13:18

I would be pissed off about this too OP, but is it possible that it was just a breakdown in communications? He asked her what she got for Christmas, she said clothes, she didn't explain the full context of the present (part of which was the occasion rather than just the clothes), he leapt to the conclusion that she had been hard done by?

ChristmasFluff · 08/04/2023 13:19

So you basically asked her "what do you want for Christmas? Given that you aren't allowed what you really want without giving away things you already love".

You should look into the psychology of transitional objects.

CombatBarbie · 08/04/2023 13:20

I'm with you Op, it sounds like you had a lovely day and quality time. I buy my kids clothes but when they hit 11/12 you start the whole designer hoodie and trainers etc and it is expensive.

Loads of kids get money for Xmas to buy their air force 1s or hollister hoodies and north face jackets etc, don't get me started on gym shark leggings either.

Likewise my 11yr old would easily spend £100 on teddies and slime etc....

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 13:20

OIivia · 08/04/2023 13:17

I would have wanted to do the same as what her Dad done as you gave her a very restricted present full of control. But I wouldn't have done it like he done it, I'd have just said down the line come on let's go shopping and let her pick what she wanted. I wouldn't have made it anything to do with your present.

I assume her dad bought her a separate gift anyway. Sounds like they are separated, so it’s not clear why he had anything to say about her mums gift at all.

TempName247 · 08/04/2023 13:22

Of course clothes are a present, I used to love spending my Xmas money on clothes at that age, my mum took me out shopping and I have memories of buying some lovely lilac jeans. 😊

AlisonDonut · 08/04/2023 13:24

God let her have teddies if that's what she wants.

Lottieoxo · 08/04/2023 13:24

Did she already have Christmas clothes?

Did she want to spend the money on anything else?