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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about this

174 replies

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 12:56

At Christmas my eldest dd (12)didn’t really know what she wanted for her main present she is young for her age and seems at an awkward in between stage where she is past kid stuff but not interested in things that older girls are into.

I said I would give her £100 and take her for a shopping trip after Xmas without younger siblings to buy clothes and out for lunch etc which was a big treat for her as we rarely get the opportunity to do things on our own. She was pleased with that and we had a nice time on the day. When we discussed the money before Xmas I said it would mainly just be for clothes and but she could buy maybe something else if she had anything leftover. She loves teddies/soft toys and would spend £100 on those easily, but her bedroom is full of them and she was getting more from her dad for Xmas so I was clear that the money wasn’t for soft toys and she seemed happy with the plan.

I have just found out that after Christmas she went to her dads and he told her that it wasn’t fair that she had to spend her Christmas money on clothes and reimbursed her the money to spend in soft toys/crap at his house. He told her not to tell me.

Aibu to be really pissed off about it? I had to organise childcare for younger dc so we could have this day out and it was a treat for us both because we never really get a chance to do anything just the 2 of us. Not to mention that £100 is a lot of money in our household. I thought we had a really nice day but I feel like he just went and told my dd I’d given her a rubbish present. Maybe I was being unfair to tell her that she couldn’t spend the money on whatever she wanted, I should mention I absolutely detest soft toys in all their forms so I find it hard to be supportive of her adding to her already enormous collection!

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:25

@ChristmasFluff when would you say enough is enough with teddies? When she literally can’t move in her bedroom? because she would keep buying them until well past that point. She was already getting teddies she wanted from her dad so any she bought with the money while we were shopping would have been extras bought on a whim.

OP posts:
Scuttlingherbert · 08/04/2023 13:25

Clothes are fine as a present, especially if she got to choose them and have a fun day out. Especially at that age when you're starting to become more conscious of fashion and things.

GretaGood · 08/04/2023 13:26

How did he know the £100 was for clothes. Maybe tell her not to talk about what you are doing with him. I can’t really see it coming up in conversation unless he pried.

BelindaBears · 08/04/2023 13:28

Detesting soft toys in all forms is such a bizarre hill to die on. I’ll be thrilled if my DD still wants teddies as presents when she’s 12!

Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:31

@Lottieoxo I asked her what she wanted for Xmas and she said she didn’t know because her dad was already buying her the giant stuffed animal she wanted. After several weeks of her not knowing I said how about I give you money and we have a clothes shopping trip/lunch on our own and she was very happy with that plan. I said the money would be for clothes or similar not teddies because she has too many already and she said that was fine. She was excited about the trip and had fun in the day. She didn’t ask to buy teddies at all.

on Xmas day she was given the money as a main present plus the usual games books socks, pjs, toys, sticking fillers etc

OP posts:
HerRoyalStressHead · 08/04/2023 13:32

I'd have made her have a clear out before Christmas and then let her spend her money on more.
That's what I do with my kids every year before Christmas and birthdays. They clear out unused or broken toys. Unused but in good condition get donated. Broken binned. If they really can't decide what to get rid of I do it for them. They soon decide what they really want to keep and what they want rid of.

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 13:32

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:25

@ChristmasFluff when would you say enough is enough with teddies? When she literally can’t move in her bedroom? because she would keep buying them until well past that point. She was already getting teddies she wanted from her dad so any she bought with the money while we were shopping would have been extras bought on a whim.

I’ve told family and friends no teddies and I have bought my kids anymore teddies in the last year. Exactly because they both have so many already. Probably 40-50each. They have small rooms and there is simply no space for them. Neither of them will get rid of any either. I actually think it’s only sensible for a parent to help their child manage “stuff”. Children are given so much “stuff” now- my kids rooms are absolutely rammed and every birthday and Xmas we have to purge stuff because they get some much”stuff” from everyone in the family. Thing is ….they can’t manage it. They don’t like getting rid of things, but they can manage it in their rooms because there is so much stuff they are running out of storage and it’s hard to clean around.

GregRoy · 08/04/2023 13:32

I swear people on here live in a dream world. OP what you did was absolutely fine, pretty much every parent i’ve ever known (including myself!) has given money as a present and said we’ll go shopping at some point. It’s not like she’s living in rags scraping coppers together to buy herself a pair of socks 🥴 it’s totally normal. It’s just a treat, I buy my DS what he needs but have always said something along of the lines of here’s £50, we’ll go shopping with it and you can get yourself some new bits. In fact just the other week he wanted some trainers he had seen, he’s already got several pairs of perfectly good trainers so I said he could buy them with his birthday money. He’s 10. Totally normal. He would waste every penny he has on crap if I gave him the chance.

Her dad was out of order for asking her to lie to you but that’s exactly something my exdp would do as well, anything he can nit pic about he will.

Sounds like you had a lovely time with you Dd, don’t worry about anything else

CallMeMabel · 08/04/2023 13:32

You might have thought it was a big treat for her, she possibly didn't. My DD would have been disappointed to get money only to be told she couldn't spend it how she wanted, takes the fun out of it. Clothes are fine as presents if your DC is into clothes/fashion, but not if they aren't interested.
How do you know what was said between your DD and her dad about it?

BadgerFacedCoo · 08/04/2023 13:33

My daughter spends her Christmas money on clothes, which I don't like as she's not even 10 and I buy her clothes.

But it's her money so into Primark we go. It's not a present for her if she can't buy what she wants.

Quality time isn't a Christmas present. It's basic parenting.

Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:34

@BelindaBears I have an aversion to them, I can’t help it! I don’t stop my dc from owning them though, they have loads and they don’t even know my true feelings about them, although my ex (dc dad) does know how I feel about them and I’m sure that’s why my dc come home from his house with more of them after every visit!

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 13:35

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:34

@BelindaBears I have an aversion to them, I can’t help it! I don’t stop my dc from owning them though, they have loads and they don’t even know my true feelings about them, although my ex (dc dad) does know how I feel about them and I’m sure that’s why my dc come home from his house with more of them after every visit!

What….can’t home to your house with them. Does she not keep the teddies and gifts at his house? So not only has he under minded you he’s given her extra so she can buy more teddies to put in her room in your home….which you will have to deal with when her room gets to full capacity???!!

Pottedpalm · 08/04/2023 13:35

Jeez, people are so weird on here! Of course another £100 on soft toys is beyond ridiculous. I think a day out and a chance to buy clothes of her own choosing is a bloody great present. I would ignore ‘D’H

Lottieoxo · 08/04/2023 13:36

Did she already have Christmas clothes?

DrManhattan · 08/04/2023 13:38

Forget the Christmas present aspect. The main concern is that he's telling your daughter to keep secrets from you. I would tell him that its not productive to co-parenting to tell her to keep things from you. Hopefully he hasn't done it with anything else.

Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:38

@BadgerFacedCoo unfortunately for me it is a treat because I have 3 kids 2 with asd and work full time. Their dad refuses to help out with them other than having them all eow and we don’t have any other support. The only way I could regularly spend time alone with my dd would be be by giving up work and keeping her off school or rehoming my other dc, neither of which is an option! Unless you have any other suggestions, maybe I could just leave the younger ones at home alone with the tv to babysit?

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 08/04/2023 13:38

You gave her a gift with strings and rules attached, her father didn’t agree this was fair but rather than challenge you on your parenting and try and control what gifts you give, he gave her money to spend for his house instead. He’s done nothing wrong, it’s nothing to do with you, he didn’t stop you doing your gift and he doesn’t have to always agree with your parenting.

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 08/04/2023 13:39

I don't think she should spend her money on clothes. That's your responsibility. Different if she wants an expensive pair of trainers for example and the money is to go towards those but no,I agree with her dad. Sorry.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/04/2023 13:40

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:38

@BadgerFacedCoo unfortunately for me it is a treat because I have 3 kids 2 with asd and work full time. Their dad refuses to help out with them other than having them all eow and we don’t have any other support. The only way I could regularly spend time alone with my dd would be be by giving up work and keeping her off school or rehoming my other dc, neither of which is an option! Unless you have any other suggestions, maybe I could just leave the younger ones at home alone with the tv to babysit?

She’s a ‘glass child’. Look it up.

She probably gets a lot of comfort from these teddies. And her dad taking her out to buy them probably meant the world to her.

Coffeellama · 08/04/2023 13:40

DrManhattan · 08/04/2023 13:38

Forget the Christmas present aspect. The main concern is that he's telling your daughter to keep secrets from you. I would tell him that its not productive to co-parenting to tell her to keep things from you. Hopefully he hasn't done it with anything else.

I can see the principle behind this, but really the DD probably said to her dad ‘mum will be annoyed about this’ so dad said oh just don’t tell her then, the stuff is at my house anyway, because they both new OP would be really pissed off about this, even though it’s not her problem. And they were right really.

clpsmum · 08/04/2023 13:43

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/04/2023 13:01

Clothes aren’t presents, parents are supposed to provide them. She spent her money on stuff she wanted.

I’m on his side with this one.

Me too. At 12 you should be providing her with clothes. Just because you detest soft toys doesn't mean she has to. She should be allowed to spend her money on whatever she wants imo

DiscoDragon · 08/04/2023 13:44

Personally, I always hated being given clothes as a present as my mum would usually buy the kind of clothes that she liked so when I would inevitably not like them she'd get to keep them for herself. When other relatives bought me clothes it was usually stuff I'd never wear like "Little House on the Prairie" style nighties or on one bizarre occasion a silk camisole festooned with pink ribbons with matching frilly underpants!

I do appreciate that having the money and being able to choose what you want for yourself is a completely different kettle of fish though!

I'd probably have allowed 1 stuffed toy and the rest on a mix of clothes and books etc.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 08/04/2023 13:45

You hide your 'true feelings' about teddy bears 😂.

It was shitty of her dad to ask her to hide something from you, and a shopping trip sounds lovely, but strings attached money isn't really a great gift.

BadgerFacedCoo · 08/04/2023 13:45

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:38

@BadgerFacedCoo unfortunately for me it is a treat because I have 3 kids 2 with asd and work full time. Their dad refuses to help out with them other than having them all eow and we don’t have any other support. The only way I could regularly spend time alone with my dd would be be by giving up work and keeping her off school or rehoming my other dc, neither of which is an option! Unless you have any other suggestions, maybe I could just leave the younger ones at home alone with the tv to babysit?

You arrange childcare. Like you did here.

Kids don't always make the decisions you'd like. Soft toys isn't the hill to die on. If your quality time is that limited perhaps you should focus on your daughter's wants and needs in that short window. Sounds like she has to compromise a lot in life.

GretaGood · 08/04/2023 13:45

FFS can people not read - he is sending all the fluffy crap to OP’s house.

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