To be pissed off about this

[Frogdoglog]

At Christmas my eldest dd (12)didn’t really know what she wanted for her main present she is young for her age and seems at an awkward in between stage where she is past kid stuff but not interested in things that older girls are into.

I said I would give her £100 and take her for a shopping trip after Xmas without younger siblings to buy clothes and out for lunch etc which was a big treat for her as we rarely get the opportunity to do things on our own. She was pleased with that and we had a nice time on the day. When we discussed the money before Xmas I said it would mainly just be for clothes and but she could buy maybe something else if she had anything leftover. She loves teddies/soft toys and would spend £100 on those easily, but her bedroom is full of them and she was getting more from her dad for Xmas so I was clear that the money wasn’t for soft toys and she seemed happy with the plan.

I have just found out that after Christmas she went to her dads and he told her that it wasn’t fair that she had to spend her Christmas money on clothes and reimbursed her the money to spend in soft toys/crap at his house. He told her not to tell me.

Aibu to be really pissed off about it? I had to organise childcare for younger dc so we could have this day out and it was a treat for us both because we never really get a chance to do anything just the 2 of us. Not to mention that £100 is a lot of money in our household. I thought we had a really nice day but I feel like he just went and told my dd I’d given her a rubbish present. Maybe I was being unfair to tell her that she couldn’t spend the money on whatever she wanted, I should mention I absolutely detest soft toys in all their forms so I find it hard to be supportive of her adding to her already enormous collection!

YABU

You can’t dictate what she spends her money on else that’s not actually her money and it’s not a proper gift.

If you didn’t want £100 of soft toys then you should have given her less money.
E.g. here’s £50 to spend ion whatever you like and here’s £50 for clothes.

Whats really sad is that you don’t get to spend 1-1 time with her?
Why is that?

Do your other DCs not see their dad?
Can you do something with her when they’re at his?

I think you planned a really nice day out for your daughter and she enjoyed it. Shame your ex had to make the negative comment but just ignore him, it was win-win for your daughter so it's all good.
My daughter used to love having mother-daughter shopping trips when I would treat her to a new outfit and lunch. It was an excellent gift.

I agree with the PP that time with your mum shouldn’t be seen as a gift or a treat.

I completely get how it is difficult spending 1–1 time with your DCs if you are single but it is important that this effort is made.

I also can't see anything wrong with her getting treat clothes in addition to other presents that she's gone out and chosen. I think the beef with this is a bit weird.

I'd have been reluctant to buy teddies if she's a room full and shortly will lose interest

Its just the way he's gone about it even if he did disagree oh mums so mean is divisive and knobby. If he wanted to buy her teddies just buy her teddies.

I've told DD many times that the pyjamas he bought for Christmas are a rubbish present..

You've given her 'money' but then told her how to spend it. That's not really a gift is it?

My DD spent £50 on some bloody Minecraft things to hang on the wall. I despaired. Her money, her choice though.

I’m with her dad. Clothes unless specifically requested expensive branded ones shouldn’t be gifts & she should have been able to buy what she wanted. I hate plastic tat but if my kids get birthday money or christmas money and want to buy plastic dolls or something equally crap i let them as it’s their money. They like books & i would rather they bought more books or something with it but it’s their choice. My oldest is 12 & she wants jackets and tops and hoodies that are £50+ so if i would buy her one at £30 say and she wants one at £70 she can put her money to it. If she wanted £100 trainers she either puts extra based on say a pair of converse or it would be classes as a big expensive present if i bought them but that would be her request and her choice. He shouldn’t have told her it was a secret but i think you should have taken her out with less budget (say £50) & let her chose what she wanted rather than dictate so i think yabu

£100 to spend on clothes is a lovely present (assuming she likes clothes shopping)! I did the same with my DD for her birthday last year. Yes, parents should buy clothes when they are needed, but sometimes it’s nice to go and buy extra things you don’t necessarily need but just want!

Your ex sounds like an arse who is causing trouble.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking your dd out to buy lovely clothes for her birthday. My daughter [ almost 12 ] has loved this when I have done it. #
Tbh, I don't think that your dh should have said what he did but at the end of the day, I would be glad that she had both the clothes and the teddies.
I think the issue is him saying not to tell you.

Only going by my teen... At 12, she would have given me a list of tat to unwrap on Xmas day. If it comes to £100 so be it.

Now at 14, she loves the cash 🙄🤣 has her own Revolut account, orders from places like Shein and she doesn't splurge it.

Whereas when she was 12, like I said, she was ordering soft toys and Minecraft rubbish... She had £100 in vouchers - it's her money.

I don't think you have done anything wrong, but I don't think Dad has been unreasonable either.

@ConstanceOcean they all go to their dads together eow. If I got dd to stay home she would miss out in spending time with her dad and she hardly sees him as it is There is no one else to look after them really. To do this shopping trip I had to leave my younger dc with my mum who isn’t actually capable of looking after them especially with their needs so it’s not something I would do regularly.

I don't understand the responses to this thread. I think money for clothes shopping is appropriate for a 12 year old. I think many pre-teen 10/11 onwards start request less toys and more clothes or there items like mobiles.

This @neveradullmoment99

At some point you need to just say, how lovely - lucky you, and let the resentment go.

Nod and smile, repeat on loop 🤣

Well I think you can and should.
My dd has been heavily into getting robux and its a no from me if she ever said to me she wanted to spend £100 on it.
In the past, she said she wanted to spend ridiculous amounts of her 'gifted' money. I am the parent and can decide what is wise and what is not.

I'm sorry but you basically bought her new clothes but told her they were a gift. You told her what the money was for.

As a parent you're obliged to buy your child clothes. It's part of being a parent!

She should have been able to spend her money on what she wanted.

Your ex encouraging and condoning your daughters lying and secret keeping is absolutely not okay, I would be furious about this and let him know it’s unacceptable.

the only reason I found out about this at all was because my younger dd wants £100 to spend on clothes and she thinks she should get it because dd got the £100 and the money to spend again. So she feels hard done by and I don’t blame her. But I don’t have a random £100 for her to blow on whatever she wants in primark. I have no doubt that for her birthday she will also ask for £100 to spend in clothes and have a lovely time spending it!

Same here, my son wanted to waste his entire £100 of birthday money on robux. I said no and compromised on him spending £20 of it in robux and the rest on whatever he wanted in our local shopping centre.

We went just us and he picked the restaurant for lunch and what treats he wanted like bubble tea and waffles etc. It was a lovely day and he still talks about it now.

To me it seems perfectly reasonable to say to your 12 yr old DD that you will be gifting her clothes which you choose together for her birthday. And to say that you don’t want to buy her any more soft toys.

Specifying clothes feels a bit as if you're trying to make her 'grow up', tbh, esp given you say she's 'young for her age'.

Let her be who she is.

Agreed. My kids would all love that.

I did the same for my DGD for her birthday once. I'd bought her a little something, she'd had loads of other presents so we went shopping and had lunch.

Extra clothes that they get to choose are a present if they're happy with the idea.

Your ex is an idiot.

Has the OP said that they were the only clothes she got? No. They were extra of her own choosing

And I do think buying a 12 year-old more cuddly toys when they have a bedroom full is mad. She'll not be interested in them in a years' time because her friends will start to say something

It's crazy how many people can't see that it IS a gift to be given money to buy whatever clothes you like, when probably usually mum only buys what you NEED, AND that at 12 (plus) most girls love buying clothes.

Also having a day out with one child, when you have more than one (and are now parenting singly, I assume) is something that is difficult to organise.

OP you are being so reasonable in the face of so many who are refusing to see your point of view or to actually read your responses (you have explained yourself very clearly)!

This is where you tell your ex - he's done it for one, he does it for all.

No backing down.

Yep. This. All day. I love it when a plan comes together !!