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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about this

174 replies

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 12:56

At Christmas my eldest dd (12)didn’t really know what she wanted for her main present she is young for her age and seems at an awkward in between stage where she is past kid stuff but not interested in things that older girls are into.

I said I would give her £100 and take her for a shopping trip after Xmas without younger siblings to buy clothes and out for lunch etc which was a big treat for her as we rarely get the opportunity to do things on our own. She was pleased with that and we had a nice time on the day. When we discussed the money before Xmas I said it would mainly just be for clothes and but she could buy maybe something else if she had anything leftover. She loves teddies/soft toys and would spend £100 on those easily, but her bedroom is full of them and she was getting more from her dad for Xmas so I was clear that the money wasn’t for soft toys and she seemed happy with the plan.

I have just found out that after Christmas she went to her dads and he told her that it wasn’t fair that she had to spend her Christmas money on clothes and reimbursed her the money to spend in soft toys/crap at his house. He told her not to tell me.

Aibu to be really pissed off about it? I had to organise childcare for younger dc so we could have this day out and it was a treat for us both because we never really get a chance to do anything just the 2 of us. Not to mention that £100 is a lot of money in our household. I thought we had a really nice day but I feel like he just went and told my dd I’d given her a rubbish present. Maybe I was being unfair to tell her that she couldn’t spend the money on whatever she wanted, I should mention I absolutely detest soft toys in all their forms so I find it hard to be supportive of her adding to her already enormous collection!

OP posts:
DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 17:49

Frankola · 08/04/2023 16:56

I'm sorry but you basically bought her new clothes but told her they were a gift. You told her what the money was for.

As a parent you're obliged to buy your child clothes. It's part of being a parent!

She should have been able to spend her money on what she wanted.

She did. She bought the clothes she wanted. This isn’t rocket science. And with a bedroom full of soft toys, I wouldn’t have wanted any more either.

Robin233 · 08/04/2023 17:53

To all who are saying clothes aren't a great gift, once at 12 my dd like nothing better than a shed load of money to spend on clothes.
my ds would not have seen it as gifts.
But now op's other dd want £100 extra spent on her - fair enough.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 17:54

ConstanceOcean · 08/04/2023 16:29

YABU

You can’t dictate what she spends her money on else that’s not actually her money and it’s not a proper gift.

If you didn’t want £100 of soft toys then you should have given her less money.
E.g. here’s £50 to spend ion whatever you like and here’s £50 for clothes.

Whats really sad is that you don’t get to spend 1-1 time with her?
Why is that?

Do your other DCs not see their dad?
Can you do something with her when they’re at his?

The OP has already said that DD’s sibling has ASD and has meltdowns going into shops - that’s why 1-1 is difficult, so she made childcare arrangements, gave DD 1-1, a nice day out and £100 of clothes of her own choosing. And it wasn’t a case of dictating what she spent it on - DD didn’t want anything specific for Xmas, OP suggested £100 to spend on clothes, and DD was happy with that. It’s all in the posts, but people are choosing to put their own spin on it. I don’t see the problem here - except that DD’s dad took the shine off it for the OP and encouraged DD to be underhand in the process. I don’t know why people are focusing on anything else really.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 17:56

ConstanceOcean · 08/04/2023 16:32

I agree with the PP that time with your mum shouldn’t be seen as a gift or a treat.

I completely get how it is difficult spending 1–1 time with your DCs if you are single but it is important that this effort is made.

Did you miss the part about the sibling with ASD ?

NumberTheory · 08/04/2023 18:02

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 16:51

@ConstanceOcean they all go to their dads together eow. If I got dd to stay home she would miss out in spending time with her dad and she hardly sees him as it is There is no one else to look after them really. To do this shopping trip I had to leave my younger dc with my mum who isn’t actually capable of looking after them especially with their needs so it’s not something I would do regularly.

I would urge you to consider, if you can, to push your ex to take each of them for one on one time, some of the time. It will be hugely beneficial for both your DDs to get that individual attention.

If you can push him to increase the time he spends with them overall, that would obviously be better, but even if he sticks with his miserly time commitment but every other visit just one of them goes, it will likely be better for them both overall.

ConstanceOcean · 08/04/2023 18:06

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 17:56

Did you miss the part about the sibling with ASD ?

Show quote history

That is even more reason to try and have 1-1 time with them.
Being the sibling of a child with SEND is very challenging.

As a single parent it’s difficult but even if it’s taking in turns on a Friday night to stay up late and watch a movie or something.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 18:09

ConstanceOcean · 08/04/2023 18:06

That is even more reason to try and have 1-1 time with them.
Being the sibling of a child with SEND is very challenging.

As a single parent it’s difficult but even if it’s taking in turns on a Friday night to stay up late and watch a movie or something.

Show quote history

Sorry you’re having such a hard time on here OP.

BadNomad · 08/04/2023 18:23

ConstanceOcean · 08/04/2023 18:06

That is even more reason to try and have 1-1 time with them.
Being the sibling of a child with SEND is very challenging.

As a single parent it’s difficult but even if it’s taking in turns on a Friday night to stay up late and watch a movie or something.

Show quote history

That's what my mother used to do. After my brother (ASD, LD) and I went to bed, she would "sneak" me downstairs again for tea, toast and TV. It felt special.

misskatamari · 08/04/2023 18:38

I don’t know why you’re getting a hard time about this gift. Mumsnet is really odd sometimes and people just seem to insist on not actually reading the posts, and just decide they must argue about how shit and wrong you are.

it sounds like a really lovely day for your DD. Most kids her age would love it! A day out along with mum, £100 to spend on whatever clothes/accessories etc they liked, lunch out! Even my kids (dd9 and ds7) would love that! Your ex was really shitty in this. Again I can’t see how people are excusing it! He’s actively encouraged your daughter to lie and keep secrets from you! Wtaf!? I would be livid! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Please ignore those people trying to put you down and stick the boot in. You have done absolutely NOTHING wrong in this situation

samqueens · 08/04/2023 18:45

That’s a dick move but don’t worry - he can’t take away her memory of a lovely day out with you!

Of talking to her I’d focus on the fact that being asked to keep secrets from your parent is never ok, and that you loved having the opportunity to have a day out just the two of you. (No need to whine about him or justify the purchase of clothing - she knows that’s not what is was about).

Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 20:11

@ConstanceOcean yes, thanks for the earth shatteringly brilliant advice. I do that and similar all the time. I’m not actually a completely shit parent and this post was never about whether I spend enough time with my kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 20:14

I also have zero control over how much time my ex spends with them. I’ve spent years trying to make him see them more frequently but he refuses and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicNameChange · 08/04/2023 20:24

Look, it's obvious he's trying to one man up you and rubbish your gift so he can be daddy big bollocks. Don't bite. You DD isn't stupid.

You did have the great day out/experience, she had a lovely time, she got a gift and some special time with you, and a present that is grown up,but not to grow up and the chance to be a bit frivolous and experiment with clothes. He can't take that away , those feelings,those memories, no matter what he says. Don't let him affect yours either.

You had a nice day and it was a good idea that you both enjoyed. That's all that matters.

racquel86 · 08/04/2023 20:36

I've not read all of the comments but a fair few of you have said 'clothes aren't presents' WHAT? In my world they are, especially at 12 and beyond, if not younger 🤷🏻‍♀️

Frankola · 08/04/2023 20:39

@DotAndCarryOne2 @Nanny0gg Sorry but you won't change my opinion. Clothes are a necessity that you should be purchasing as a basic part of parenting.

Also, I never suggested that OPs dd bought more cuddly toys. OP could have actually bought her an age appropriate gift.

PrincessScarlett · 08/04/2023 20:40

I do feel sorry for your younger child. She is right in that it's not fair that your DD12 essentially has been given an extra £100 over her. But that is your ex's fault and he needs to sort it out. Did he actually let your older DD spend her extra £100 in front of younger DD and she got nothing?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 20:52

NumberTheory · 08/04/2023 18:02

I would urge you to consider, if you can, to push your ex to take each of them for one on one time, some of the time. It will be hugely beneficial for both your DDs to get that individual attention.

If you can push him to increase the time he spends with them overall, that would obviously be better, but even if he sticks with his miserly time commitment but every other visit just one of them goes, it will likely be better for them both overall.

Show quote history

The OP didn’t post for parenting advice though did she ? And if her ex is pulling stunts like this, he’s hardly going to be up for it either. Why are people assuming that the OP is a shit parent ?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 20:55

Frankola · 08/04/2023 20:39

@DotAndCarryOne2 @Nanny0gg Sorry but you won't change my opinion. Clothes are a necessity that you should be purchasing as a basic part of parenting.

Also, I never suggested that OPs dd bought more cuddly toys. OP could have actually bought her an age appropriate gift.

So despite DD not wanting anything in particular, the OP should have gone out and spent money on something ‘age appropriate’ and taken a chance on whether DD would like it, instead of the lovely day out and giving DD the choice of what clothes to buy for herself ? OK then.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 20:57

PrincessScarlett · 08/04/2023 20:40

I do feel sorry for your younger child. She is right in that it's not fair that your DD12 essentially has been given an extra £100 over her. But that is your ex's fault and he needs to sort it out. Did he actually let your older DD spend her extra £100 in front of younger DD and she got nothing?

The OP mentioned upthread somewhere that she thinks her younger daughter will want to be taken out and spend £100 on clothes herself. I think her ex has backed himself into a corner now, because he’s going to have to stump up again or look like the twat he is !!

ConstanceOcean · 08/04/2023 22:10

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 20:11

@ConstanceOcean yes, thanks for the earth shatteringly brilliant advice. I do that and similar all the time. I’m not actually a completely shit parent and this post was never about whether I spend enough time with my kids!

Wow ok there’s no need to be rude when I’ve not been rude to you.

Canuckduck · 08/04/2023 22:21

I think your day out sounds great. 12 year olds often need some guidance around how they spend those money. It sounds like you had a nice time and she choose things you probably wouldn’t have chosen.

If her Dad wants to give her money without restrictions that’s fine. Undermining you and asking your daughter to lie unacceptable.

NumberTheory · 08/04/2023 23:13

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 20:52

The OP didn’t post for parenting advice though did she ? And if her ex is pulling stunts like this, he’s hardly going to be up for it either. Why are people assuming that the OP is a shit parent ?

Show quote history

I would actually think her ex might be up for having them one on one because he’s clearly not that invested in them, so anything that might appear “easier” has a reasonable chance of succeeding. Though the getting him to increase his time with them seems less likely to be successful.

I’m not assuming OP is a shit parent. Where on earth did you get that from?

Murdoch1949 · 09/04/2023 08:50

You need to establish a one-in one-out regime for new toys (soft toys). If they bring a new toy from dad's one has to go to charity shop.

Iwasafool · 09/04/2023 10:17

Oh please don't make kids get rid of toys. My DH is a hoarder and I'm pretty sure it is due to his mother adopting this regime. He buys and collects old toys and is still replacing treasured things his mother made him give away.

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