To be pissed off about this

[Frogdoglog]

At Christmas my eldest dd (12)didn’t really know what she wanted for her main present she is young for her age and seems at an awkward in between stage where she is past kid stuff but not interested in things that older girls are into.

I said I would give her £100 and take her for a shopping trip after Xmas without younger siblings to buy clothes and out for lunch etc which was a big treat for her as we rarely get the opportunity to do things on our own. She was pleased with that and we had a nice time on the day. When we discussed the money before Xmas I said it would mainly just be for clothes and but she could buy maybe something else if she had anything leftover. She loves teddies/soft toys and would spend £100 on those easily, but her bedroom is full of them and she was getting more from her dad for Xmas so I was clear that the money wasn’t for soft toys and she seemed happy with the plan.

I have just found out that after Christmas she went to her dads and he told her that it wasn’t fair that she had to spend her Christmas money on clothes and reimbursed her the money to spend in soft toys/crap at his house. He told her not to tell me.

Aibu to be really pissed off about it? I had to organise childcare for younger dc so we could have this day out and it was a treat for us both because we never really get a chance to do anything just the 2 of us. Not to mention that £100 is a lot of money in our household. I thought we had a really nice day but I feel like he just went and told my dd I’d given her a rubbish present. Maybe I was being unfair to tell her that she couldn’t spend the money on whatever she wanted, I should mention I absolutely detest soft toys in all their forms so I find it hard to be supportive of her adding to her already enormous collection!

I'd be losses off he told her to keep it from you though

i’m not sure why people are assuming I never buy my dd clothes, I buy 100% of the clothes she wears other than this 1 shopping trip. I guess I was wrong to stipulate what she spent the money on but that was the gift she chose! She could have asked for anything else before Xmas. Even a giant teddy and I would have bought it for her but she chose money to have a clothes shopping trip. She was happy with that until her dad told her she shouldn’t be.

I'm not sure why clothes (if they were additional to basic clothing that you would normally have bought her, which you seem to suggest they would be) take up any less space than soft toys? So your space argument doesn't really work.

I also think you need to separate having a nice day out, which it sounds like you did, although you also sound begrudging of having to arrange it, and what you bought your DD as a present.

(At 12, if there was nothing she really wanted, why not buy her one teddy, and an IOU for the rest of the money?)

I would take a step back OP - can’t believe that you are in being put as if in the wrong when your half arsed only sees themEOW , part time shit father is being talked of as if OP is the bad guy - bringing up 3DCs and working full time
I bet a lot of these contributors are first time posters.

I think I'd feel the same as you about the soft toys OP, if she already has tons. I don't think there's anything wrong with having money to buy clothes for a present - as long as you didn't expect her to stock up on underwear, pjs, school uniform and the like. Mine have enjoyed having money as a present to spend eg on branded trainers or boots they don't actually need or an expensive hoodie or whatever.

I think her dad was in the wrong, undermining you. That's the real.issue, not that you stipulated that the money was for clothes.

Yanbu, he shouldn't undermine you or make her lie to you.
I don't think we should always let kids buy absolutely anything they want. I think it's OK to say no more soft toys this time especially if she has a huge number already.

I'm sorry OP, I do agree that being told she had to spend her Christmas money on clothes was a bit crap. At 12 Christmas is still a really special time and a shopping trip with £100 to spend on whatever she wanted would have been much more exciting. BUT there's different opinions here and plenty people seem to think it's fine.

my ex (dc dad) does know how I feel about them and I’m sure that’s why my dc come home from his house with more of them after every visit!

I think the fact you've reiterated loads of times in this thread how much she loves teddies and asks for them often explains this one!

Clothes are a lovely present op, provided it’s what dd wanted. My dd loves clothes, of course she already has the basics but she loves shopping, especially a day out where we can go out for a cake and drink too. I think you were thoughtful and organised a nice day but maybe could have let her buy a few soft toys if she really wanted them. It was not nice for her dad to make out like you gave her a bad gift and try to be the ‘fun parent’. What matters is if she’s happy. I imagine she liked the idea if she agreed to it

Can the people typing "OP should be providing clothes for her child" not read, or just not comprehend?

At 12 a shopping trip for fashiony clothes is a nice present! It's on top of "normal" clothes!

Items of clothing fit in existing clothing storage (wardrobes, drawers etc) wheras in my experience teddies don't get stored like that - they take up far more physical space. Agree with a pp that it's doing kids a favour to learn that storage is finite.

At 12 I was asking for clothes for Christmas - more expensive ones than essential ones I got the rest of the time. I would have absolutely loved this present I’m floored people think it’s a bad one? Clothes are what me, my sister and all of our friends wanted for Christmas passed about the age of 11!

Past*

My teenagers, so a bit older love going clothes shopping. Ever since they were about 12 or 13 they have asked for money and vouchers. I still buy them clothes as they need them but they love going out and choosing their own stuff

I don't know why you are being slated for clothes money being a gift. My parents bought my clothes but if I wanted something branded it was on me to pay the extra. I always loved having birthday/xmas money so I could buy the items I really wanted!

But regardless, her dad undermined you and told your daughter to keep it a secret from you. That is not ok and YANBU. That was only ever be acceptable if it was something being kept secret from someone for the childs sake, not the parents. (e.g. my friends abusive father was never told about her boyfriends when we were teens)

You said in your OP you told her you would only buy her another big teddy if she got rid of some of her others, so that still would have been a gift with conditions, not ‘I’d have even bought her that giant teddy’. Gifts shouldn’t come with conditions really.

Bloody hell people, there's a huge difference between an out of the ordinary shopping trip with mum as a girlie day out being able to buy whatever clothes you like, and a boring clothes as a present as if she was getting socks and vests and school uniform.

Yeah but she also said the money was to buy stuff for his house

to spend in soft toys/crap at his house

He did a nice thing, but he should have told you and definitely shouldn't have got her to lie.

He shouldn't have interfered but if she is happy and enjoyed herself I wouldn't over think it.

Am I the only one on here thinking that everyone who disagrees with clothes as a present has very young children? Once mine hit their teens thats all they wanted for birthdays and Christmas.

If I buy my dd clothes for her presents, and I do (cool, branded, what she wants) am I a control freak who is dictating what she gets? How is that different from saying 'here is some money for you to choose some clothes'? Why is buying clothes as a gift ok but giving money to choose her own clothes not? MN is batshit

Sure she had a lovely time with you and enjoyed buying her clothes. Now she's had a lovely time at her dad's and got more presents!

Lucky girl.

It wouldn't bother me, I'd be pleased for her.

Inam with your DH. For her birthday she got clothes and a family outing. She wasnt allowed what she wanted so it was this or nothing. Bit of a poor show IMHO.,

Well it is batshit when you make shit up yeah 😐 how would buying your child clothes be controlling? Giving someone a gift of money and saying you can only spend this money on clothes, is controlling what she spends the money on, if you find that hard to understand I can’t help you.

re teddies- i think loads of kids have a lot of soft toys my others do too. She likes to collect them which is fine but there has to be a limit. They aren’t small either for example the last few Christmas’s she’s has asked for and been given the huge melissa and Doug animals so we we aren’t just talking about Ty beanies here. She had asked her dad for another giant animal that she wanted and was happy with that and brought it home.

She likes to collect unusual animals and in her stocking she got a soft toy snail and aardvark which were animals she didn’t already have so I do support her collecting but I’ve said that some of the older huge soft toys that aren’t part of her collections will
Need to go before I will support her adding more as there isn’t space. I’m sure I could do what other parents do and sneak in there with a bin bag and she wouldn’t even notice but I would never get rid of them without her consent. So she has to decide if she wants to keep what she’s got or make space for her collections. We have a tiny house and she shares a bedroom with dd2 so she can’t just keep adding to them indefinitely. Their dad lets them buy soft toys everytime they go into a supermarket with him and they bring them home so we are still adding to them every fortnight no matter what I say.

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie i only found out about it because my younger dc mentioned if and said it wasn’t fair so not everyone was happy with the arrangement!