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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about this

174 replies

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 12:56

At Christmas my eldest dd (12)didn’t really know what she wanted for her main present she is young for her age and seems at an awkward in between stage where she is past kid stuff but not interested in things that older girls are into.

I said I would give her £100 and take her for a shopping trip after Xmas without younger siblings to buy clothes and out for lunch etc which was a big treat for her as we rarely get the opportunity to do things on our own. She was pleased with that and we had a nice time on the day. When we discussed the money before Xmas I said it would mainly just be for clothes and but she could buy maybe something else if she had anything leftover. She loves teddies/soft toys and would spend £100 on those easily, but her bedroom is full of them and she was getting more from her dad for Xmas so I was clear that the money wasn’t for soft toys and she seemed happy with the plan.

I have just found out that after Christmas she went to her dads and he told her that it wasn’t fair that she had to spend her Christmas money on clothes and reimbursed her the money to spend in soft toys/crap at his house. He told her not to tell me.

Aibu to be really pissed off about it? I had to organise childcare for younger dc so we could have this day out and it was a treat for us both because we never really get a chance to do anything just the 2 of us. Not to mention that £100 is a lot of money in our household. I thought we had a really nice day but I feel like he just went and told my dd I’d given her a rubbish present. Maybe I was being unfair to tell her that she couldn’t spend the money on whatever she wanted, I should mention I absolutely detest soft toys in all their forms so I find it hard to be supportive of her adding to her already enormous collection!

OP posts:
wyntersuhn · 08/04/2023 15:02

You gave her a lovely memory ie special time with just you and the opportunity to have fun shopping for clothes. You didn't just pick the clothes yourself and wrap them up. I totally understand the too many soft toys situation, and I think you came up with a great way of re-directing her away from more of the same, to something else that she'd love. Her dad was out of line to undermine you and your decisions the way he did. Fine if he wants to load your DD up with toys for his house, but that happens totally aside from the present you decided to give her.

Hankunamatata · 08/04/2023 15:02

I wonder if you dc said it wasn't fair or that her dad put words in her mouth. For example
Dad- what did you get for Xmas from mum
Dd - mum took me shopping so I could spend £100 on clothes as wasn't allowed to spend it on teddies
Dad - that's awful dd, clothes aren't an Xmas present, here is money to buy all those teddies your mum said u couldn't have

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/04/2023 15:05

ChristmasFluff · 08/04/2023 13:19

So you basically asked her "what do you want for Christmas? Given that you aren't allowed what you really want without giving away things you already love".

You should look into the psychology of transitional objects.

The OP said several times that it was a day out and DD was allowed to buy whatever clothes she wanted. Don’t see a problem with that - the OP seems to have gone out of her way to make it a special day, and instead of posters concentrating on the shitty way her dad acted, they’re choosing to misunderstand and have a go at the OP. MN is weird sometimes.

Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 15:07

I’m not really sure how the conversation went dd just said he said it was a rubbish present and he gave her the money back to spend elsewhere but told her not to say. I didn’t really push her for the details as I didn’t want her to to feel like she had done something wrong. Maybe it wouldn’t grate on me so much if he ever bought them clothes or even paid reasonable maintenance but that’s a whole other AIBU!

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 08/04/2023 15:12

It depends entirely on what type of clothes she bought imo. Something frivolous that she has chosen; maybe a "name brand"that parents wouldnt buy is one thing; but if its just bog standard vests, pants and supermarket t shirts -that's the parents job.

Comfies · 08/04/2023 15:12

I think that was shit of him and it sounds as if he told her it was a rubbish present, which is really rude and unhelpful.

Fwiw, I would have loved a day out shopping for clothes with my mum as a present at that age (still would love that actually 😂). My 8yo DD loves this too (although she wouldn't ask for it as a present as she still likes toys etc)

Icanttellyouanything · 08/04/2023 15:12

Ignore the idiots OP. I think this was a lovely present, very suitable for a 12 yr old. You say that your other two have additional needs so I think the fact that you spent time with her alone will also have been appreciated as part of her special day. I don't think the 71% of people who voted YABU understand how difficult it can be to do this seemingly normal activity but your daughter will. They've chosen to be self righteous about this and to ignore the bigger picture which is that your ex is being a bit of a dick by not supporting you in your battle against the teddies.

Robin233 · 08/04/2023 15:17

@GrumpyPanda

Sounds like this is the main problem. So why not make a rule that whatever gets bought by dad, stays with dad? Maybe justify it by saying dad needs somebody to keep him company, too. If they still bring toys along after visits, just send them back to him next time they go over there.
THIS
exactly what I was thinking.
Reading between the lines sounds ex is doing this to be mean to op.
He knows op has an aversion to them.
Exactly how many teddies does one child need?

aSofaNearYou · 08/04/2023 15:20

Personally I think you should have let her buy a soft toy if that's what she wanted.

But I think the most important thing is the message she's taking away about gifts, and I think your ex encouraging her to feel hard done by when treated to a day out, and expect more, is the biggest problem here.

Thoughtful2355 · 08/04/2023 15:31

sorry but clothes arnt presents unless thats what theyve asked for...they are what you should be buying for your children! They should have been more kid luxury items not necessaries. it was HER birthday !! and you took her on a shopping trip to buy clothes but only clothes with HER money. Jeeeeesus

billy1966 · 08/04/2023 15:31

He's a twat, and you know it.

Telling her to lie to you and mislead you is very wrong.
Make careful note of it.

I think your day out sounds absolutely lovely.

I agree with the soft toy allergy.

My children had a Puffle obsession many years ago but were quite reasonable with a few favourite teddys and bunnys only.

One of my daughters was telling me many years ago that her friend filled 15 black bags for the charity shop.

Her mum had spent days washing and drying them apparently and bagging them up.

What a palaver.

PCPurpleHelmet · 08/04/2023 15:33

Zanatdy · 08/04/2023 13:14

Clothes are fine as a gift. My daughter always chooses clothes off Shein for birthdays / Christmas. Yes I buy her clothes as an essential but trust me she doesn’t NEED all the clothes she has. They are extra and are treats. He was out of order

I agree. However, @Frogdoglog I think your DD has pulled a blinder, really, as she will have known exactly what she was doing (and I am sure she did enjoy her shopping day with you, too). Her dad has been played for a mug!

whatchaos · 08/04/2023 15:34

YANBU. I think your ex shouldn't have been so negative and undermined your gift to her.

In some households clothes are a gift - there are no specific rules about what is or isn't a gift. I think it sounds lovely, and if you had a nice day that made it special for her. At 12 I doubt she'll want to splurge so much on soft toys in the future, and it's fair enough for you to guide her towards presents that she's likely to enjoy far more.

DMLady · 08/04/2023 15:35

OP, I think that sounds like a lovely thing to do — and the fact she enjoyed it at the time suggests she did too. I agree with one of your subsequent posts — if you’d made her buy school uniform, that would have been rubbish — but you didn’t, and she had a lovely time. I’d be annoyed at her dad too, in your shoes.

OriginalUsername2 · 08/04/2023 15:39

The issue here is her dad undermining your gift and telling her to keep things from you. Have a word with him.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 08/04/2023 15:43

YABU - now she has nice things she's chosen from you, and some nice things for her at her Dad's.

His wording was probably wrong, but he wasn't undermining you. She has too many toys at yours. Maybe not enough at his.

My DD is 14 and I split from Dad many years ago. I've learned to accept that even though he pays CMA that he still has money to buy the 'nice' things she wanted for his house - think Smiggle and Squishes...

Just let it go. It really isn't a competition.

She's 12 please don't involve her in this.

Nod and smile. Nod and smile. That's lovely. Repeat on loop.

It goes a long way!

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 08/04/2023 15:44

I'd be pissed off if you were still together and spent another £100. That's undermining.

ChateauMargaux · 08/04/2023 15:49

Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 13:18

I didn’t make her buy school uniform and knickers, she bought whatever she wanted and she had a nice time and was happy with the clothes she bought which weren’t clothes I would have bought her. I buy all her clothes the rest of the time but we don’t have money to buy anything frivolous just for the hell of it so she was happy to go wild and buy anything she wanted on the day.

It sounds like she had a lovely day and the present was given as planned and she appreciated it as given.

So her Dad gave her more teddies at his house.... whatever.... yes he has done this to deliberately go against you but I am sure there is more than one reason you are no longer together.

File under... ways we parent differently. Enjoy your memories of the day and enjoy when DD wears the clothes.

Original poster
Frogdoglog · 08/04/2023 15:51

@MattTebbuttsDenimShirt if he wanted to give her money to spend he could have given then all money to spend on whatever they wanted. That would have been fine but he didn’t, he told dd it was a rubbish present even though it was what’s she wanted and she enjoyed it, then gave her the money back to spend again. I only found out this week because younger dc mentioned how unfair it was because she wants £100 to spend on clothes too . I haven’t made a big deal of if, just asked dd in a lighthearted way if it happened and left it at that.

OP posts:
adultdds · 08/04/2023 15:53

I would say a shopping trip for Xmas is lovely idea. But I don't think it's fair to say she had to get clothes. I disagree with exdh tactic, he shouldn't encourage lying and he's clearly trying to be the nice parent. I'd message him and thank him for his contribution to dd. Don't let him think he's bothered you and also it tell him his dd knows not to be deceitful.

Shininghope · 08/04/2023 15:57

At that age I think clothes are a nice gift. I loved getting mon wet to spend on clothes as a teen. Basic clothes are probably not a gift though. I think your ex is unreasonable here.

BadNomad · 08/04/2023 16:16

I'm a little more on your ex's side I think. I find it quite sad that clothes and time alone with mum are seen as gifts. You should have just let the money be the gift, even if she did waste it all on teddies because that is what she enjoys. That's the point.

NumberTheory · 08/04/2023 16:23

I understand having some mild boundaries on what the money is spent on, OP. She’s 12, there’s nothing wrong with helping her to expand her experiences beyond her obsession with soft toys. It’s not like you’re chucking out the ones she’s got, you were just helping her focus on other things for a day. Her life won’t be any worse off for not having added more teddies to her pile (though there would also be nothing wring with buying her more teddies if you’d wanted to).

I don’t think it was a rubbish gift. And I don’t think her dad telling her it was will make her think so either. You two had a really special day out together. I bet she remembers it for years.

Sockmate123 · 08/04/2023 16:24

I think your gift was lovely as it was the fun day out together more then the actual clothes. I'm sure you had lunch out etc too. I got this for my 8 year old's birthday this year along with some other stuff like art supplies, a doll etc but she's most excited about the shopping, I will let her buy stuff like trendy accessories, cute things for her room etc in addition to the actual clothes. She has plenty of clothes and is well cared for but that's for extra on 'fun' stuff. I dont know why so many had an issue.
Regarding the Dad though maybe he didn't mean any harm, I don't know what dynamic you have but maybe he was just trying to spoil her a little.
BTW I hear you on the soft toy situation, we could sell them 🙈

Stravawindow · 08/04/2023 16:26

I don’t like that her dad told her to keep a secret. That would really bother me.

I personally agree with those who say clothes is something you should provide, not a gift unless she wanted some really expensive trainers or designer clothes or they were asked for. I think the gesture of a day out, just the 2 of you was lovely though.