To think a horse is not comparable to a car

[LostCroissant]

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

I don't want to leave him and he's not a B! This is just a communication situation.

Not sure what PCP is? He was talking about doing a payment per month plan, plus the cost of insurance, fuel and any maintenance. I'm dubious that could even be done for 500 p/m. And no we don't have a secure garage.

Not necessarily

For calling a horse a "need" YABU.

For being surprised that your husband might want something nice for himself after you have had something special to you for some time (when you must have known that getting the horse left no spare cash) YABU.

Could you work more to contribute to the family budget?

They are both luxuries but not really comparable imo. You said your dh encouraged you to get the pony for your mental health, the connection with the animal, the outdoors, the exercise, the horsy friends etc are all helpful to your overall wellbeing. A sports car is just something that he covets, I don't see how it compares at all.

Are you keeping 2cars plus sportscar?

@LostCroissant I get it. Good for you to find a way out of depression. And good for you to build a relationship with a person who could see what you needed when you couldn't yourself.

What I see is that you wouldn't have 'allowed' yourself the pony but he did. but it worked out, financially.

who says it won't again just work out with the car. lets say he buys it. enjoys it. then he realises he is missing the holidays he used to have. or he suddenly realises after a few years the car isn't as much fun anymore. he sells it. you go for a bigger house.

also, you say there have been bonuses and pay rises - so he hs found a way to generate more money. I'd say to him to go for the car, as long as he organises the next holidays so you are not stitched up with his high expectations and a low holiday budget. enjoy not having to move. enjoy pony. enjoy giving him the ok to have the fun car.

@LostCroissant I've read all your posts but the bit I still don't understand is: what exactly is DH suggesting?

You can't afford the car as things stand. He doesn't want to give up holidays or go into debt. Does he want you to sell your horse??

If so, then I think he is being unreasonable. It's a lot to ask (and completely different from not agreeing to buy the horse in the first place).

But if he was willing to give up holidays (and you weren't) then I think you would be unreasonable.

Both are a hobby. Both are equal.

Oh I've just seen your most recent post which I think answers my question. He wants to get a payment plan? If so then I think it's only fair to agree to let him explore that option.

Tangent, but 200 a month should cover maintenance and insurance on an older one (I mean 10 years old ish). They’re actually reasonable to service, and yeah repairs aren’t cheap but find a decent independent and it’s not awful. I budget 2k a year for all costs, and mines that kind of age.

as for buying one. About 30k. Funded however you feel is best. I’d not be scared of a loan as they don’t depreciate much at that age so you can sell after a couple of years and clear the loan. If you pay out of savings though, again I’d say it won’t lose much so isn’t like buying a new car. They’re worth loads less after a year or 2, this will likely be still worth close to what you pay

I think that to be blunt you both need to reasses your expectations of what you can afford. You can't have your cake and eat it, so something will have to give, whether it is cheaper proerty or no holidays etc. You both need to discuss what you want vs what you can afford and make some decisions together.
I do get the horse thing, I've always had them and worked with them professionally but there is no way I woud have spent £500 a month on a cheap to keep pony. I appreciate that it's sensibe to have that sort of money available, but I wouldn't spend that monthly on a regular basis
Getting up earlier and doing turnout yourself would help, my neighbour is out at five every morning without fail to see to hers before work. Mine was kept on rented land and absoltely everything was diy, so saving money but harder work was the compromise.
I do think your OH will grow resentful if he feels he never gets any pleasure from his earnings, but you both need to be realistic as to what is achievable.
I have to add that my children weren't into horses, and with hindsight I do think that horses can be all consuming to the detriment of time with the family, don't look back with regrets would be my advice. I do hope you manage to find a way through that keeps everyone happy.

This is a good post.

It's interesting your DH came into the marriage with debts.

I think this is another case of him having eyes bigger than his pockets.

He wants a bigger house.
He wants a sports car to sit on the drive.
He wants naice holidays not a static in Skegness.

He also wants you to magic up non-existent money to pay for all this.

If he wants it, it's his problem to find the money in the budget which he won't not yours.

This is all part of him have champagne tastes on a beer budget.

A pony and a luxury sports car are both 'luxuries'. You can spin anything for 'mental health' . Any fluffy pet could have helped with that, including a dog that you could have walked and made friends with other dog walkers at a fraction of the cost.

Sounds like you can't afford either, really.

I agree with this.

Op is being selfish

Horsey girl, daughter of a petrol head. It’s the same thing. My dad couldn’t function with his cars and I’m the same about my horses.

sadly I also inherited the petrol head gene so we have both

A car is useful.

Not if it's a Porsche 911 that is planned to sit on the driveway and get used occasionally for pootling.

The car means as much to him as the pony does to you. Both the pony and sports car are luxury lifestyle items. Of course they both help mental health depending on the person.

That said, you describing how the pony helps you, I wouldn’t give up the pony. I think you have the solution, dh can use his bonuses to get his car which I think he deserves to have as well. You’ve presumably taken holidays as a family, I’d put those as a lower priority and do inexpensive days out instead.

I think your DH is looking at this wrong. He sounds like he has a similar attitude to my DH (ie that money is infinite!).

"I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well."

Well if you only have money for one or the other then he simply can't have both can he?

You discussed getting the pony with him. He agreed to it. It's an animal so it's not something you can just stop and start willy nilly. Which he must have known that when you talked about it. He also must have known how much it would cost roughly (as I assume this was part of the discussion?) and what impact that would have on your finances and what else you then afford to do. If he didn't think about that then that's on him tbh.

You can't spend money that isn't there. And the pony is already agreed and committed to. And it sounds like you both had very good reason to commit to it (ie your mental health). If your mental health was poor that would affect you, your relationship and your family life negatively and significantly. So the pony sounds like a good call on both your parts- it sounds like its been very effective.

So the only call now is does he get a sports car, or do you have family holidays etc etc (and anything else you won't be able to do if paying for his car). Like the pony this needs to be a joint decision. But he needs to think about whether the benefit he gets from having a sports car now will offset the negatives of everything else he doesn't get to do. He also needs to consider the impact of that on the children.

Perhaps if he thinks about in those terms he might realise that it's not as simple as well you have this so I should have the same. We are not silos in a family. Everything decision and person impacts on everyone else. Maybe the time for the sports car is later in life when the children have grown if it's not affordable now?

This, I think it's quite selfish of you op. You get what you want because it helps you mentally and that should trump everything. You also get the benefit of the holidays. And he gets nothing even though he helps fund the holidays and pony? Sorry that isn't fair.

How long have you had the pony Op? I can see if after a decent number of years he thought he would get enough pay rises to get a cad he now wants it and is feeling a bit hard done by here. I'd choose stay in smaller house and keep both the horse and get the car. Sod the holidays. So long as he's happy with that compromise. Or stick less in trust funds for the kids. But I can't see how you can say no here. Is he meant to be on the hook for this horse until it dies? It could be decades!

I'm the direct opposite of you, OP.

My car saved my mental health after my mum died. I used my inheritance money to buy my dream car, and it pulled me out of the black.

I now have a solid group of petrol head friends, I have a busy calendar of car based events, I've learned basic mechanics, track driving and how to drift. I've learned photography and filmography to document my journey with it.

Working on it, keeping it clean and walking miles and miles at car events every weekend in the spring and summer keeps me fit and travelling all over the place is just awesome.

However, I also like riding - but I can't afford the ongoing costs of a horse/lessons and a car... so I ditched the riding and chose the car!

I can see both sides here. It is a hard situation as I can see that, to you, the horse feels like it is both a luxury AND a necessity (for your mental health).

However, your DH prioritised you when you needed him to, and this was a loving and generous act. He should be commended for that. The fact is, whether you asked for the horse or not, the money for the horse came from family funds and you disproportionately benefitted from that allocation.

It’s now your turn to show your husband appreciation for this, and the same love and care for his needs that he has shown you.

However, this doesn’t have to mean a sports car if you can’t afford it. Here’s what I would recommend:

Step 1 - Perhaps you can use some lateral thinking to think of some way to squirrel away a little more from the family budget each month. This should ideally involve some sacrifice from you, to demonstrate your gratitude. If the costs for the horse are fixed, then perhaps you can reduce your other expenses in another way (cut out or drastically minimise spend on clothes/hair/toiletries/socialising; or sell some of your existing clothes or jewellery, etc).There are nearly always tweaks that can be made, and the effort and thought is also important here.

Step 2- You sit him down and explain that you love him and want him to be happy. He deserves a treat and you want him to have it. Explain to him the cost
savings you’ve managed to find. Show sadness that you haven’t yet found a way to maintain both the holidays and the sports car, but you’ve managed to find another [£100?] a month, and that that’s for him to spend however he likes. Explain that you’ll continue to explore ways for this amount to be bigger in the future.

Step 3 - suggest some creative compromises that could be actioned straight away. For example, maybe he could hire a sports car on the holidays you take (so at least he gets the experience for a couple of weeks a year) but that you choose cheaper locations or hotel (eg 4 instead of 5)?

All of this will show him that you’ve taken his thoughts and feelings seriously, even if he doesn’t get his 911 straight away. After all, we all want to feel valued and appreciated - and even pampered - by our partners!