To think a horse is not comparable to a car

[LostCroissant]

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

If she was spending 500 a month on a particular medical therapy that was the only thing that helped her cope w mh issues, would she be ‘deluded’?

OP - take all of these replies with pinch of salt. You CAN afford the thing that keeps your head above water. If you OH had chronic anxiety and depression, which did not respond to medical/talking treatment but did respond to having a car, then yes…. Fine! The car should be bought. The car and the pony are NOT the same.

Hehe spot on, if man had bought a car and then told to woman no for her hobby that costs same amount of koney there would be million posts here to divorce controlling @**h0le etc

tbh op and husband both think more of themselves than the children and their needs,parental support dosent need to end when they hit 16/18, there will be still years before they are securely on their feet eith jobs,homes and cars

What do you reckon the cheapest it could be done for is @FloydPepper ? It would be wonderful if could find a more affordable way

I'm not interested in cars or horses. YABVU. Saying your dh told you to get the pony is a bit of a weak excuse imo. You didn't have to say yes. You could have questioned that amount of money being spent on something only for you.

We put plenty of money away per month for the kids trust funds thanks, and both children are welcome to stay living at home whilst at uni etc. Although a larger house would certainly have helped with that. Plus all the DC's needs and holidays! are met.

I did.

I don't think season tickets are 500 p/m are they? Why would I have an issue with him buying season tickets if he wanted them?

If he has to finance the car then he can’t afford it!?

Ahh...debt. We both agree we prefer to avoid that, other than the mortgage, having worked very hard to pay off all the debt that DH came to this relationship with.

I know lots of people are saying it’s unfair and I don’t fully understand as I don’t have a pony but family money should be spent for the benefit of the whole family. You need to sit down with your DH and go through the finances and explain that paying an additional £500 a month is not realistic if he wishes to maintain your current lifestyle with holidays/savings etc.

l would be saying that you appreciate the pony is a luxury but also a living animal that would be extremely difficult to give up after so many years. I would make it clear that you are not dismissing his desire for a sports car but I would be asking to compromise and prioritising this when kids stop wanting family holidays/when the pony dies you won’t get another one etc.

As an immediate compromise though could you sell one of your cars so your DH can have the luxury 911 to play with and you both share one family car?

That would be a great suggestion but they are company cars.

I'm a horse lover and my dd has a pony who we love, but you're right it's expensive.

I do agree with your dh, if you have a horse costing approx £500 a month, then he should also have to option of spending £500 a month on something that also gives him joy. You do get to a stage with dc when you don't have to be sensible with cars any longer, and if you're a car person then it's a magical time.

Why should your dh give up his luxury so you can all go on holiday? I know your luxury helps with your mh, but I'm sure there are other things out there you could do that result in an improved mh. I think that if you both want a luxury then you'll both have to accept it's a static caravan in Skegness rather than 2 weeks all inclusive in the Maldives

£500 a month that’s covers for OP

• exercise
• fresh air
• therapy

and assuming the kids may like the pony kids get pony time too. Maybe 🤣

it’s a family benefit the op isn’t depressed and suicidal and able to be a fully present parent and fully present wife and I guess DH isn’t quite seeing that. As op states without the pony there’s a likely hood she’d still be unwell.

im struggling to see how getting a sports car is a family benefit over a new house right now. Likely your kids will be home until 25 with housing and living costs being what they are so you may have to move first! Especially if they’re uni material and will stay home to study to keep costs down.

why does your DH want the car? Is he trying to impress friends? He’s not a tinkerer what’s the plan if the car fails in some way? Where does he plan to keep it? Do you have a secure garage it will fit into as insurance could be costly as it’s a coveted car? I can’t see a car that’s taken out just for a spin as something beneficial right now.

why can’t the car be a ‘yes but not right now’ investment? Focus on the house, would a house with some land be an option (thinking of pony nearby if possible and garage for the car!). Both of you pushing for a promotion/bonuses/job change for a better salary if possible so that house and car can be purchased in time Surely would be an overall better plan. It would show you want him to get that boy toy but temporarily prioritise other things whilst kids are young.

Security for a growing family should be both your priorities and tbf that might mean selling the pony too so you can buy a better fit home. If you had to sell could you cope? Could you Find another Avenue for your mental health? I know that would be hard but it’s worth looking at all possibilities to get what you ALL need.

Can you increase your income op?

OP, I think you see your pony as more worthy than his car. I can see why but really they are both luxuries.

I spend my spare money on extras for the children (on top of what they already get from me and my husband), he spends his spare money on his hobby. I used to resent him but I’ve come to realise whilst my spending seems more worthy to me, it is my choice and it makes me happy.

Any pet is a luxury and a pony is a big luxury! What about cutting the morning turn outs to save money?

Your husband is being a bit unreasonable: The pony was bought in response to a need, not a want.

You don't have to have exactly the same amount of money/time on hobbies/share of housework/childcare for a marriage to be fair.

I am sure that there are other things in your marriage that don't seem fair; maybe you do more housework, cooking, taxi-service, childcare, elder-care, but you wouldn't dream of totting it up and insisting he does the same.

Having said that though, maybe he's not in the best place right now, he sees how happy the pony has made you and maybe feels he needs something to make him happy too, especially if he's last to be prioritised behind the kids and pony! He's probably feeling like a cash cow. Those bonuses aren't for nothing, he did earn them.

That would be a great suggestion but they are company cars.

Do your companies offer the option of cash instead of cars, if you have your own car?

Ours do - I think it works out to about £600 a month so you could buy a half decent family car and he'd still have money left over for his Porsche, without sacrificing anything, if it's an option.

I'm not sure I understand this... your husband suggested you get the pony so you did because I'd imagine you would assume he was on board with this plan? Now he's saying it's not fair because you've got a pony so he should get a sports car which means sacrificing family holidays or a bigger house? What does he suggest and the people who are saying you're being unreasonable what are they suggesting? That you get rid of the pony so he can get a sports car or you have pony and sports car and the rest of the family suffer? Or you have neither? No he didn't force you to get the pony but if my partner suggested I did something that was good for my mental health I would assume that meant he wanted me to do it and thought it was a good idea. So no I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's not compatible as you already have the horse

I'm intrigued how it costs £500 a month to keep one pony when my two horses barely cost £300 between them! And no, I don't own land, I have to rent.

However you're right in that horse ownership is a way of life, not an expensive hobby (an expensive way of life!). It's not the same as a sports car, it's a living animal that you can't put away for a few weeks when you get bored. And the benefits to physical and mental health can't be underestimated in my opinion.

Could you reduce the costs of keeping the pony, on the understanding that if he gets the car he has to keep the costs to the same as you're paying?

I've been known to do 2 or 3 jobs, 50+ hours a week, to pay for my horses when I was in a job with shit pay so I'm probably a bad example to follow!

'Had DH said from the outset "I want you to have a pony but only if I can spend the equivalent p/m on a car", I would absolutely have refused as I know we can't afford it without big family"

It sounds as if you're laying the 'blame' for buying the pony firmly at your husbands feet OP. Don't forget at the time he had a mentally ill wife and young children. You tried to take your life. He did what he had to do to save his family. Im not sure i could have done the same. I doubt he was in a great place either.
How long have you had the pony? Maybe 1, 2, 3 years down the line he feels able to 'breath' at last rather than thinking 'family first' all the time. He may not be suicidal but he could be pretty down and just generally dissatisfied with life. He's saying it's his turn now. He's not asking you to get rid of your pony, he's asking if the family can pull together so he has something meaningful in his life too. I would imagine when you were unwell he sacrificed a lot more than the £500pcm. How about agreeing a date, not now but tangibly close...one decent family holiday and Xmas first then it's his turn.

Jealousy is a very unattractive trait in a man.
LTB.

To be clear- it's not me insisting on the holidays. DH wants these. He would absolutely not be happy with a static caravan in Skegness!

Really? Can the op afford a pony then

I've answered lots of people re: costs and think it can be seen on the Tack Room how much cost of keep varies regionally. Where we are, my pony costs are ridiculously cheap.

I already work ridiculously long hours a week so I'm definitely not freeloading!

In that case I’m not sure what the 500 a month he’s proposing is for? Either you invest the lump sum to buy one (and tbf depreciation will likely be minimal) and only have ongoing costs (200 maybe), or you’re using the 500 to loan, lease, pcp?