Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a horse is not comparable to a car

353 replies

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 16:07

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

OP posts:
Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 18:01

GoodChat · 07/04/2023 17:45

Or you could get somewhere with a decent bit of land, depending where you live and how far you're willing to move, meaning you could house the pony yourself and then only need to pay for food and general health as opposed to your current costs.

Ha I'd love that but crikey a house with land around here is way more £ than we're anywhere near!

OP posts:
GoodChat · 07/04/2023 18:02

OP what money was the horse bought with? Did you have savings before the horse?

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 18:04

BeardyButton · 07/04/2023 17:57

I am in similarish position - have a pony…. Can Jst about afford it. Husband doesn’t begrudge me my pony. He doesn’t want a luxury for himself.

BUT I do feel guilty for taking so
much family money and time.

That said… I was really struggling. MH in gutter. Long term antidepressants. Tried 3 different counsellors. Could barely work. That was affecting my family.

Pony means I am off ADs. I have a MUCH better job. And my family has a happier healthier mother.

Don’t underestimate the good that pony does - not only for you - but also for your family.

I feel like I need that pony. Without him, I’d genuinely suffer. I wish the thing that kept my head above water was cheap (like running). Does your OH NEED the car the way you need the pony?

Ah thank you, you get it. Glad you're feeling better. No - he doesn't, and he acknowledges that completely. He just really really really wants it, and if we had the spare £ of course that would be wonderful for him to have it

OP posts:
londonrach · 07/04/2023 18:04

Yabu. Both items not needed but only got if you can afford them and upkeep

80s · 07/04/2023 18:04

Helping out at the stables.
Christ.

Realistically, that's what you would have to do if you would suffer "financial strain" otherwise but still wanted contact with horses. When you have "no safety net" then you do sometimes have to sacrifice a dream, or part of a dream. OP presumably doesn't just want her husband to make all the sacrifices.

I'm not as well off and it would be a huuuuge waste of breath going round saying "Christ!" at all the lovely things I can't do :)

Stompythedinosaur · 07/04/2023 18:05

I think it is fair for him to get the car, as long as he understands it means no hols.

If hols are more important that your hobbies then you both sacrifice them. Your hobby isn't better than his.

FloydPepper · 07/04/2023 18:05

Eventysaurus · 07/04/2023 16:52

Imagine a thread here "DH spends all our money on HIS hobby"

Yes very much this

”I said he could get a car as he wasn’t feeling great and needed to treat himself, now I want comparable and he’s saying no”

im pretty certain you’d get overwhelming responses saying he’s a controlling arse, you should get what you want and probably leave him for good measure.

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 18:06

GoodChat · 07/04/2023 18:02

OP what money was the horse bought with? Did you have savings before the horse?

Yes, bought with my own personal money I got from my grandparents as a kid and saved ever since. They told me to use it to buy something that would change my life - I put 50% into buying our first house and with the rest bought my first car, and pony. But can't emphasise how cheap pony was & came with all tack, rugs etc, I was lucky to get him - you literally only get absolute wrecks that price these days

OP posts:
mewkins · 07/04/2023 18:09

What luxury sports car can he get for £500 a month? Been looking at cars today and average family cars are pretty much that (unless he has a decent deposit!) I think you both should have laid out what you wanted and what you could afford before buying anything.

ShandaLear · 07/04/2023 18:09

YABVU, you choose to spend £500 a month on something that brings you joy. Why shouldn’t he have the same?

CecilyP · 07/04/2023 18:11

rwalker · 07/04/2023 17:01

Both are non essential luxuries but a car is way more use than a pony

Except he already has a normal everyday car; he doesn’t really need an extra sports car.

MarshaBradyo · 07/04/2023 18:11

You mention his pay rises but do you work op?

(I may have missed the post)

CheshireCats · 07/04/2023 18:11

Yabu.
I am not interested in cars and love horses, although have never been able to afford my own.
But still, YABU.
Op, you are deluded if you truly believe a pony is "a need, not a want."
You spend £500 per moth of what would be family money on your pony but begrudge your husband doing the same. How hypocritical.

KvotheTheBloodless · 07/04/2023 18:12

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:50

Agree. And yes I could do this although I doubt it would solve the same issues my pony did and why we got him. But the problem is we HAVE got him now. It would be pretty painful to just magic him away. Had DH said from the outset "I want you to have a pony but only if I can spend the equivalent p/m on a car", I would absolutely have refused as I know we can't afford it without big family sacrifices.

Show quote history

YANBU. DH has moved the goalposts - if he'd been honest at the start, you could've made a different decision, but now you have a pony that loves you and is dependent on you. It would be cruel to both of you to sell it.

A car is absolutely not the same as a pony bought to help OP's mental health recover. Especially a bloody 911 - what a bloody poser! It's just so shitty to buy something like that to the detriment of the whole family.

If OP had demanded her pony, then he'd have more of a leg to stand on (still not the same though), but in fact her H actively encouraged her to get it and is now using it against her to justify the whole family having to suffer for a ridiculous mid-life crisis car.

CecilyP · 07/04/2023 18:13

ShandaLear · 07/04/2023 18:09

YABVU, you choose to spend £500 a month on something that brings you joy. Why shouldn’t he have the same?

Maybe because it doesn’t leave enough money for him to have the same after his suggesting getting something that brings her joy!

FloydPepper · 07/04/2023 18:13

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 16:39

This would be my ideal. I have asked if there is maybe an older type car he could have for around 200 p/m that might fulfil his wants, but in fairness I don't know about cars. He only wants a Porsche 911.

Show quote history

I have a 911. There are a lot of options out there but not that 200 a month would get you (all costs).

I’m very much in the “love cars” camp and can totally understand that want, and the pleasure they can give. I think my 911 might be the favourite of my cars.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/04/2023 18:14

FloydPepper · 07/04/2023 18:05

Yes very much this

”I said he could get a car as he wasn’t feeling great and needed to treat himself, now I want comparable and he’s saying no”

im pretty certain you’d get overwhelming responses saying he’s a controlling arse, you should get what you want and probably leave him for good measure.

Show quote history

Yeah, this would happen. But that's MN for you.

FloydPepper · 07/04/2023 18:15

mewkins · 07/04/2023 18:09

What luxury sports car can he get for £500 a month? Been looking at cars today and average family cars are pretty much that (unless he has a decent deposit!) I think you both should have laid out what you wanted and what you could afford before buying anything.

Honestly, 25k loan to buy a 15 year old 911 and the rest to cover costs. It’s what I’d do.

Grantanow · 07/04/2023 18:16

Both are luxuries. Both cost money and need maintaining and are a source of pleasure. But comparisons are difficult - like comparing apples and oranges.

gillefc82 · 07/04/2023 18:16

My DH is a bit of an adrenaline junkie (complete opposite to me!) and during our relationship (13 years together, married almost 4), he’s had fast cars, quad bikes and last March bought himself a superbike (neighbours love us 🙄😂). These were agreed as a compromise to stop him doing wingsuit jumping, which I absolutely put my foot down about! His other, less expensive, outlets are the gym, CBD oil and regular s*x 😂 - all crucial in keeping his head straight.

For me, I have a football season ticket for Everton with my Dad, so between August and May each year, weekends are dictated by the home fixture list. I also enjoy reading and other things but nothing as expensive or time consuming as the football.

Clearly this impacts him - we both work full time during the week, I’m also studying for an MBA so weekend time together is precious, but he understands why this is important to me.

I think it’s healthy for each of you to have your own passions and I wouldn’t have felt right denying him his fun when I’m spending upwards of £1000 a year on mine. In our relationship, I earn more than double his salary, cover a larger proportion of the household expenses and usually my annual bonus will be used for holidays and other treats, but I still would never see him miss out on something that gives him genuine joy and is likely to make him a happier person and by extension, a better partner.

Timeisallwehave · 07/04/2023 18:17

Ahh you are being unreasonable in my view I’m afraid.

Changeau · 07/04/2023 18:19

KvotheTheBloodless · 07/04/2023 18:12

YANBU. DH has moved the goalposts - if he'd been honest at the start, you could've made a different decision, but now you have a pony that loves you and is dependent on you. It would be cruel to both of you to sell it.

A car is absolutely not the same as a pony bought to help OP's mental health recover. Especially a bloody 911 - what a bloody poser! It's just so shitty to buy something like that to the detriment of the whole family.

If OP had demanded her pony, then he'd have more of a leg to stand on (still not the same though), but in fact her H actively encouraged her to get it and is now using it against her to justify the whole family having to suffer for a ridiculous mid-life crisis car.

Show quote history

This.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 07/04/2023 18:20

We can't always have what we want, regardless of what we do or don't deserve. If it can't be afforded, it can't be afforded. If it can be afforded but the cuts made are things the DH won't agree to then he's made his choice - the holiday/house move/whatever are more important to him than the car.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 07/04/2023 18:20

Of course a horse is a luxury item. So it's comparable to a car in that respect. It's not comparable to a car in that it's alive and there's a welfare issue to just getting rid of it, so I can completely see why he's not happy. I don't think he can have a sports car in those circumstances, not if it's going to leave you with no safety net, but it's not very fair.

JudgeRudy · 07/04/2023 18:21

KrisAkabusi · 07/04/2023 16:13

I'm with your husband on this. They are both luxury items. I can see why you think differently, but that's because of your own experiences.

I'm in agreement with @KrisAkabusi and your husband. I wouldn't particularly want a pony or a sports car but I might fancy some city breaks or maybe to learn to skydive. The pony is your outlet and was probably offered at a time when your MH was rock-bottom. Now your husband wants the same. Maybe he's having a midlife crisis. It's not down to you to say what has the same meaning or value. What if he was a big football fan and wanted season tickets? I know some fans would view this on a parr with a religion.