New member super nice and helpful but I find her so irritating!

[Bleachmycloths]

Some details changed/not included to avoid outing.
I am in a hobby club. I love it. Members are lovely and we have an enjoyable relaxed time. Leader is great and makes meetings enjoyable.
New member ticks all the boxes for being nice: chatty, smiley, makes tea, talks to everyone, asks them questions to show an interest in their lives, helps to clear up. I feel a bit guilty because I find her a PITA and I am getting grumpy about it.
To avoid drip feeding:

• At the discussion part of the meeting she tries to draw everyone in by posing a question then asks each person what they think. Some members are shy and I can see they don’t like this.
• suggests we all go out for the evening to get to know each other and to not to talk about hobby. I joined for the hobby, not to go out for meals.
• every meeting she announces she can’t remember names and points to each one in turn and gives them their name, often wrong, then she gives them a nickname eg “ Mrs Cake” “Mrs Lovely Red Handbag”

I have other examples but this is already too long. I worry thatI am simply intolerant because I just want to say “Oh, fuck off with your helpfulness and friendliness and leave people alone!” Finally, she is not covering up shyness. She is confident and thinks she’s the bees’ knees. I know this. I am not guessing. AIBU for being intolerant and grumpy? Should I accept her as well meaning and that other people and their behaviour are part of life?

* reread my original post and I have played it down considerably so she is worse than I have said. *

when you didn’t get the responses you wanted! 😂

No, definitely not me. And I hate badges 😊

Mm, could be annoying, but I've seen far worse.

(1) The questions: If she's doing it regularly, it's a bit pushy, but maybe she thinks that's what one does in hobby clubs. It does depend a bit what the hobby is: odder if it's a knitting club than a book club, for example,

(2) Going for meals: Only a problem if she presses people after they've said no. Some people would enjoy doing this (I would, though maybe not after every club meeting); others wouldn't, or don't have time. I think it's a nice idea, so long as she doesn't put pressure on people.

(3) The names. As someone who has a big problem with face recognition, though not names as such, I would never blame a person for having trouble remembering names, or for asking people to allow her to get practice with them. However, she shouldn't be openly giving people nicknames. That is rather rude,

About how old is she? The names thing, in particular, sounds like something an older person might do.

So you “know her from other social situations”

Poor woman. She joins a group and right from the outset I suspect you wanted her out

So sorry for your loss. I didn’t want to upset anyone. Especially someone recently bereaved. 🌺

I used to be in a choir with a woman who used to introduce herself to me every week for about two years. (Often interrupting conversations with others to do so… annoying.) Oddly, she didn’t seem interested in listening when you introduced yourself in return. She would roll her eyes up into her head and blink rapidly, interrupt you introducing yourself by saying “Well! Anyway…..,” And launch into whatever was on her mind. Finally I saw need one day when she leaned over and introduced herself. “Yes, O know you’re X. You’ve introduced yourself every week for nearly two years. Perhaps I’d you looked at our faces and waited until we stopped speaking, you’ll remember our names.”

Hell is other people

🙄

There's this hobby we do (music), and we had a chap joining us who wasn't able to join in with all the tunes we know, but had his own which we learned. My partner's name is easy. My name is not, it's difficult to pronounce for Brits. After some time (a few meetings) he asked whether there was an equivalent of my name in English - and there is, it also has a short form. He said: "Oh, I'll just call you 'short form of my equivalent English name", and I nipped that in the butt saying that thas was not my name (maybe said I wouldn't respond, don't quite remember). That sort of thing needs to be nipped in the bud. (Nobody else in the group calls me other than by my name, however difficult it is to pronounce.)

I am a naturally gregarious (though introverted, if you believe it) person. I think I can come across quite full on, but would hope I have a softly-softly approach at first, becoming more vocal and chatty as time goes on. If people were to push me for things, that's when it would go wrong, though, I'd pull back.

It really is the height of ill manners to announce to someone that you intend to address them by a different name, one that isn't theirs, without even asking their preference. The right way to respond is to ask them how they prefer to be addressed.

Perhaps that's a thing I find particularly grating as I have in-laws who refuse to acknowledge my family name and address me as Mrs Hisname. It's a well-worn means of invalidating someone and really discourteous when they can't even be bothered to remember you have a name, and to use it accordingly. In MiL's case it's deliberate - on the numerous occasions DH has told her to stop she'll use a misspelled variant of my actual name, then on the next occasion will revert to Mrs Hisname. Of course, on this occasion they knew my name fine well, and were just doing it to be passive aggressive.

A work-colleague once decided she didn't like my name and that it didn't suit me, so took it upon herself to rename me 'Emma'.

I corrected her bluntly, every time. Other than this, I CBA to engage with people who behave like this. To me it's small stuff, although I will set that person down in my mind as rude beyond belief.

She sounds insanely similar to someone I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know recently. Other people have told me how irritating they find her and she has pushed me very hard, to the point where I’ve had to be embarrassingly straightforward and tell her to stop. She cannot take a hint. Most people (ime) would stop after a couple gentle hints but my lord, she’s like a flipping bulldozer.

The name thing would drive me nuts. Lots of people get mine wrong anyway, it drives me wild. It isn’t hard to say for British people but they mangle it anyway.

Nipped that in the bud, of course. Jeez.

Nerves and keen to make a good impression?

she’ll probably calm down in a few weeks time.

OP 😁 I believe I have witnessed a very similar situation. Your post made me slightly nauseous, anxiety-elevated heartbeat and internal sniggering at the sheer BS of it all. It's also quite a well documented behaviour pattern within a group dynamic for a specific personality type. Good luck!

Sorry, but this COULD be very cruel, especially as there COULD be something wrong with her.

Some people without dementia have problems with remembering names (common in people with dyslexia, for example). Some have problems with faces rather than names. I do; and some of the most AGONIZINGLY painful experiences of my life have been where people were harsh with me about it. (I would much rather be called ugly or fat or stupid than be attacked over this issue.)

And some people may have problems with names or matching names to faces due to a (usually mild) sight or hearing impairment, or autism or ADHD.

Repeatedly asking for names sounds more likely to be due to some disability of this nature than just 'CBA'. A person who really just CBA probably CBA to ask for the name either.

This is of course not an excuse for nicknaming people without their permission like the person mentioned by the OP. Internally nicknaming people might be an aid to memory, but best kept to oneself!

I forget names but in job 1 I have about 20 names I remember, in job two it’s fifty, two groups of friends you can add another 30 so when it comes to hobbies with yet another 30+ I am all out of brain cells. The first three I NEED for day to day living, hobby is not as often. So, although I might appear forgetful in one place, I am extremely disciplined elsewhere. This lady has been six times so the names probably haven’t sunk in yet.

I tend to be quite tolerant of everyone, having a disabled family member. I also feel bad for people who are trying to reach out and getting rejected- again because of a disabled family member. I think there are actually two issues here:-

1. she’s slightly annoying- let it go, nobody is perfect.

2. she is level- jumping; she’s just joined and should be “paying her dues”socially but instead is trying to muscle in and change the established norm of the group. If everyone else has tried to fit in and blend and she wants to be Queen bee, feathers will be ruffled.

Surely there are many times we are in situations abs we don't actually need to say peoples names to join in the chat?

Particularly if you can't remember them, you just avoid using name's don't you?

I am a lecturer. Every term I need to know the names of large numbers of students in my seminars, and absolutely, it’s not easy, and I do make notes to myself as aids, which might be ‘Colourful manicures, curly dark hair’, ‘Band t-shirts, tattoos’ or ‘looks like Rasputin, only smiley’. What I don’t do is vocalise these to the students in question.

This sounds similar to another post the other day

"Early onset of dementia"! What a joke. She was all of 33yo maximum, and able to negotiate her way successfully around an auditioned, fairly high-level choir.

You know, some people are just useless plonkers, and actually, it IS okay to call them out on it occasionally!

I thought immediately from your first post that she was trying to take over. It’s good that the leader shut that down.
The nickname thing should be shut down every time she does it, it’s weird and rude. She probably thinks you all find it amusing and endearing, but I’m sure hardly anyone does. I’d correct her firmly every time and insist that she never calls me Mrs Cake again because it’s extremely disrespectful.

I think you’re right that she probably thinks the name thing is endearing. A lot of this kind of behaviour is different when on the receiving end. She sometimes simply gives me the wrong name which doesn’t bother me. At least it’s not a nickname. But there’s always the same damned pantomime with “I’m TERRIBLE with names!” Nobody cares.

Thank you. At least you haven’t accused me of being jealous, judgemental, having ‘problems’ 😊 etc etc. That’s MN for you. 🌺

Until I read the details I was ready to say YABU but hell, she sounds insufferable. She clearly has no self awareness whatsoever. Sorry OP, how annoying!!

Thank you! As usual with MN there are always posters who say the daftest things. Many MNs are funny, intelligent, sympathetic and helpful. Unfortunately, there are always a few vipers who are ready to pounce and bite you on the bum 😀 causing silly arguments, going off topic and accusing OPs of the most ridiculous motives and personality disorders 😆 . I feel I’m fairly ‘normal’ and I think some of them must simply do it on purpose to provoke. 🤷‍♀️

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