New member super nice and helpful but I find her so irritating!

[Bleachmycloths]

Some details changed/not included to avoid outing.
I am in a hobby club. I love it. Members are lovely and we have an enjoyable relaxed time. Leader is great and makes meetings enjoyable.
New member ticks all the boxes for being nice: chatty, smiley, makes tea, talks to everyone, asks them questions to show an interest in their lives, helps to clear up. I feel a bit guilty because I find her a PITA and I am getting grumpy about it.
To avoid drip feeding:

• At the discussion part of the meeting she tries to draw everyone in by posing a question then asks each person what they think. Some members are shy and I can see they don’t like this.
• suggests we all go out for the evening to get to know each other and to not to talk about hobby. I joined for the hobby, not to go out for meals.
• every meeting she announces she can’t remember names and points to each one in turn and gives them their name, often wrong, then she gives them a nickname eg “ Mrs Cake” “Mrs Lovely Red Handbag”

I have other examples but this is already too long. I worry thatI am simply intolerant because I just want to say “Oh, fuck off with your helpfulness and friendliness and leave people alone!” Finally, she is not covering up shyness. She is confident and thinks she’s the bees’ knees. I know this. I am not guessing. AIBU for being intolerant and grumpy? Should I accept her as well meaning and that other people and their behaviour are part of life?

Oh dear, I'm starting to wonder if this is the flipside of yesterday's post where the new member was told by the coach she was too full-on!

I did have a little bit of empathy and understanding for you with your opening post, but the more you post the worse you sound actually sound. I feel bit sorry for this woman now, having to put up with people like you in the group she has just joined.

Hope there are not too many people like you in the group, making a friendly, chatty (probably nervous and anxious) woman incredibly unwelcome. And then posting nasty threads about them Mumsnet. You sound like a 12 year old catty schoolgirl now.

You know quiet people are all individual adults though, don't you?

Because the way you're posting, it's almost as though this is breaking news?

I’ve always had a low tolerance for people like this. It’s not the extroverted behavior, I like extroverts; it’s the people who make such a spectacle of themselves and suck the air out of the room.

But anytime I’ve reacted in any way, I end up regretting it. I’d kill her with kindness and hopefully some of the helium will evaporate soon.

@Bleachmycloths

I did have a little bit of empathy and understanding for you with your opening post, but the more you post the worse you actually sound. I feel sorry for this woman now, having to put up with people like you in the group she has just joined.

Hope there are not too many people like you in the group, making a friendly, chatty (probably nervous and anxious) woman incredibly unwelcome. And then posting nasty threads about them Mumsnet. You sound like a 12 year old catty schoolgirl now.

Why tho????

I wondered that, too. But I had already decided even if our poster is similarly annoying with her enthusiasm, the coach handled it very poorly.

Don't assume other people have a problem with her just because you do.

I think perhaps you have got used to your clique and don't like that someone new has come along.

This is your issue and if you can't be nice just keep out of her way.

Everyone has as much right to be there as you do.

She’s not putting up with anything. She has no idea I find her a bit irritating. It is all inside me and I keep it to myself which is why I posted on MN. It’s probably I because I posted thatI “ laughed my head off” at the choir lady’s story. It was a bit of a shocked laugh. I wouldn’t dream of calling someone out like that.
in my original post I said I was posting because I did feel a bit guilty about my irritation. And if you read my response on page 3 maybe things will be clearer.

She has no idea I find her a bit irritating.

You don't know this for sure.

I don't agree. There's plenty you can do to manage expectations and group dynamics tactfully and without allowing things to become personal.

A talkative, ebullient personality in any group has definite advantages. Sometimes fresh ideas are introduced and it keeps discussion invigorating. No leader worth their salt, however, would allow these types to take the floor; any more than they would put a less willing speaker on the spot (or allow any other group member to do so).

A clear agreement on the dynamic of group etiquette is what's needed here. The Group Leader already sounds quite strong - her role would only entail putting this agreement into practice and politely reminding people of it should they deviate. For me, 'No drawing other group members out with leading questions' would be Guideline #1.

If New Member is merely a confident, if well-meaning type, it shouldn't take much more than this for her to gel better with the group and for this dynamic to settle itself. She might end up being okay. Alternatively, she may get fed up with not assuming an immediate leadership role and leave. I believe in giving people a chance, and in finding solutions in any event that the current system no longer works for whatever reason.

The silly nicknames issue is easily nixed: simply correct her every time.

Comes across trying to be over friendly and helpful, possibly talks too much, trying to arrange things outside of group, this in my opinion is someone who is lonely, shy, nervous and very unsure of herself.

I was thinking the same as ubove few poster's

Are you bit envious?
Is the something lacking in your life or about this woman persona, that is why you could be projecting on to her in some way?

You are not going to like everyone you come across in this life,
I certainly don't like everyone I have come across in life for sure, !
(that can feel like bad luck coming across someone who is just horrible Nasty dodgy ect.

I also think she could be just putting a social mask of disguising her insecurity in this kind of situation,

The rembering the names sounds somewhat childish,
With nicknames,
Isn't that something you do, rember someone's name in your mobile contact list for e.g putting alongside their name ,where you met first time or something that's connected to them in some way too,

I find rembering names, especially certain names harder to rember than others, too

I wish I was better at this,

But would they be allowed to say no?

The name thing is easy enough to counter. Get some sticky labels and write your names on to aid her memory.

I’m sorry for the flak you seem to be getting , I totally get what you’re saying and think you’ve done well to remain calm and civil.

I think the name thing is incredibly rude, she’s saying “you’re not significant enough for me to bother with your name”. Without doubt by now, I would say “please do not call me by that name, it has nothing to do with me and I won’t acknowledge you if you continue to do it”.

On a childish day I may address her as Mrs No-Manners.

Oh god she sounds irritating- possibly unintentionally so, but irritating. It's lovely to have some self confidence but she sounds like she has rhino hide if she can't pick up on making people uncomfortable and sensing that perhaps her ideas are being politely rebuffed by the group. The name thing is really rude, too- the nicknames are twee and patronising.

Do you think she knows she is coming across so bumptiously? I think your group leader seems to have taken the best approach- calm, polite but resteering the course. Keep it up long enough and the new member might get frustrated and drift away. Especially if you all channel it. A polite brick wall effect.

You are honestly doing better than me though OP. I would've cracked by now. I have no patience and would have turned her stupid habit back on her and accurately renamed her Mrs Shit for Brains by now.

I can promise that if you join a new group and start behaving like you are the leader, talking more than everyone else combined, trying to change rules, making up nicknames, more than one person will find it tedious.

Not all annoyance stems from jealousy.

*After probably about 6 weeks of this, my friend snapped, "My name is Jane! The same name it's been every single time you've asked me for the past 6 weeks. Stop asking for it if you don't actually give a shit what it is! Is there something wrong with you?!"

Needless to say, this woman gave us both a wide berth after that!*

Ooh, you're hard.

I'd put a sticky label on my top saying "if you can read this your too close and rude for not remembering my name" 🤣

@MrsToothyBitch Mrs Shit for Brains beats my Mrs No-Manners hands down 😆

I thought you were being a dickhead until I read that she’s making up nicknames for people and then I thought wow, this is one irritating person!

What a shame she joined. I can’t think of a solution you just have to hope she gets bored and leaves. I bet she doesn’t have many friends and joined for the ‘captive audience’ rather than any real interest in the hobby.

Personally, I think people like this tend to liven things up a bit, my DH's friend's wife who stands out with exhibiting similar behaviour, certainly has a curious appeal to me. I think it is because it is unusual and sometimes amusing. She will put me on the spot and acknowledge what you are saying with an intermittent 'wow'. She has huge animated eyes as well so it adds to the drama. I like people like this though as there is a slight envy on my part. Quiet people who don't say anything can arguably be a bit dull in a group dynamic.

This is just Amanda from Motherland. As I recall, that character isn't a terrible person and is actually quite vulnerable. I'm sure all you different personalities can rub along quite nicely if you accept that you all have different strengths and weaknesses and personality traits. I would have no issue with her trying to organised a group night out. There will probably be some there who are up for that. Those that are not shouldn't feel forced to attend.

Another day, another thread where posters turn on an OP for literally anything.

It’s like sport, it seems.

”I’m really upset. A newcomer to my WI group punched a hole through my Victoria sponge. She then licked her hand and said it tasted like shit. No one said a word. I can’t face her again.”

”Well, did your cake taste like shit, OP? Perhaps she just doesn’t feel able to lie.”

”I bet you used raspberry jam. Everyone knows it should be strawberry. You kind of brought it on yourself, OP.”

”Jesus, can’t you try being kind to her? She’s new to the group, trying to make friends and clearly has some sort of cake-based trauma in her past. Maybe you should leave if you can’t be decent.”