Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

You can really see from some posters on this thread where so many of the feckless men around come from.

Poor blokes can’t be expected to not have sex. Nor can they be expected to consider the consequences before. Poor wee souls should have a legal option to abandon the child they create all because it’s not fair that they don’t get the casting say.

Why do people have such low standards for the males in their lives?

You think children are pay per view, that PR should be aligned to ££s? And that what is best long term for the child? Wow! 🙄

He would be in a better position to support the child's needs and give them more opportunities in the long term if he had a decent graduate job. Packing in uni to take a min wage job would be a bigger disaster for both of them longer term.

😲 Well how is he going to afford to go to court for contact if he can’t afford to help pay upkeep? No way could you feasibly offer to help pay for one and not the other.

Also, why shouldn’t he have to give up the fun part of university and instead send that money home to the mother of his child?

You seem to think it would be perfectly reasonable for him to carry on having a lovely university experience and see his child during holidays then when he’s done with all that and is older and wiser then he can pick up, as he’ll be on the birth certificate after all 🙄, and start contributing. 😲😆

@OldLadyChinaCup

You are wrong. I’m 34. My state secondary was nicknamed “pram pushers” in the city that I live in. Next door was an all boys school. When I was in year 10/11 there was a bit of a trend for teenage pregnancy amongst the all girls school that I was in. (The rates of teen pregnancy have since came dramatically down ). Some 15/16 year olds boy DID step up, some didn’t. Some went onto Uni. It was very variable. One bloke I know has only just reconnected with his daughter who is 17 years old now.

If you’re old enough to have sex you’re old enough to an extent to know if you want to be involved or not. Whether or not you want to attend a local Uni or go elsewhere. I’m also a firm believer in that you cannot actually make your teenage son be a good father, much to the detriment of the grandparent’s disappointment. So yes, first and foremost I would support my sons decision. His choice ultimately.

So no sex until late twenties ? I certainly didn’t want a child before that age as I was busy enjoying life and travelling. Most of us have sex before we are old enough to be responsible for the consequences.

This is the strangest thread to read. I am genuinley surprised people think men should be able to sign away responsibility.

Im also surprised people seem to give this vibe that the mother now has to abandon any future dreams of her own and not go to work or university and be a perpetual sahm against her will.

Im sure they could work together like adults and use full time childcare to both do a bit of earning, learning and parenting each.

And yes, biology means the woman will have to physically recover whilst the man cracks on with things but thats the same for married 35 year olds.

Yep,

It's quite embarrassing actually

I can’t believe I was essentially called a bad parent for saying I’d be expecting my son to take responsibility for his actions.

It’s just bizarre.

I kind of agree with this. The current reality is that the female will always have a choice and makes the decision about whether to bring a baby into the world or not - the male has no say whatsoever. I knew that I never wanted to be a teenage mother and took steps to make sure that it never happened. That didn’t mean that I accepted pregnancy as a possibility every time I had sex, It means I took responsibility for my own reproductive system. I know some women/ girls don’t see it this way which is why I have spoken to my teenage sons about contraception ( no embarrassment ). With all the contraceptives available these days ( and they are free) , I’m at a loss as to why teenage pregnancies remain such a problem.

Is there an educational disparity with regards to this- likely. Do some parents need to be more open with their teens about sex and contraception? definitely.

The only “ double standard” I see on here is the callous and selfish women who think their son should be allowed to abandon his own child because he changed his mind but who no doubt think they their own husbands should pay for and care for the children they have together.

Oh and I see that they also think the tax payer should support his child until he is finished university and its suits him to contribute .

Well ladies let’s hope that your husband doesn’t run off with someone else and then refuse to see or support his children because he’s busy furthering his career.

My son is still only little but I think I would be disgusted if he wanted to walk away from his baby, regardless of what happened with contraception. When two people have sex, they are both signing up to the (albeit often unlikely) consequence of being parents. An abortion is not an easy option for a girl, and in my experience of male friends who had babies aborted, long term it isbt the easiest ride for either parent, particularly if you have planned children later in life.

if you fall pregnant after using contraception, you’re unlucky, but it is a risk you take having sex. I would hope my son was emotionally mature enough to want 50:50 involvement and to work out a way for both parents to support the child and complete education of some useful sort, even if that might not be the arts degree they imagined.

Me too - I'm horrified (yes, as a mother of boys, if that matters) that so many people condone walking away but I'm also surprised and a bit depressed that people seem to think that there are no such thing as student parents and that a pregnancy would be the end of any possible dreams for either of them!

@YetMoreNewBeginnings one feckless dad was Prime Minister for three years. The son of a wife beater, who he wants to give a knighthood to.

Prime bad example.

Wrong about what? 🤷‍♀️ I’m not sure what you’re saying.

Do you mean I’m wrong to say that I’d feel like I’d failed as a parent if my son decided he wanted to walk away? Of course I would. I’d be appalled and ashamed by such behaviour.

I got absolutely slated on here a long while back when i said one of the big issues with men not paying maintenance was that they had the support of their mothers, and often current partners.

I said that I didn’t think men dodging paying for their kids would ever change until it was socially unacceptable for them not to do so. I got caned saying that no woman supported a man who didn’t pay for or support his kids.

This thread has absolutely cemented the belief that that support is part of the issue for me.

Says it all really.

Or do you mean because I said most 15/16yr olds don’t want to step up? Of course they don’t. 16yr old boys want to eat, sleep, drink and shag and some also want to play sport. None want to give all that up to get up to a baby at night or get a part time job where they hand over their wages to the mother of their baby.

I did notice none of those my poor wee lad shouldn’t have to step up have answered how would they feel should they suddenly find out that their own lovely husbands fathered a child and abandoned it as a teen and that his own parents also new and gave no shits. Never to be told about till said child appears on the door step.

Because if his first born is that replaceable to him and his parents so are you and your children.

I totally agree that a huge part of the issue is that it's so socially acceptable for men to walk away - but why have you singled out women to blame for that? Do men's fathers and friends not also support them?

Not what I said at all! But a father's role is to FINANCIALLY support a child, and asking for the benefits of being on the birth certificate but not wanting the financial responsibility is shit!

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

I think, mothers often get blamed for all sorts of things that their adult sons do, and often unfairly so. In the context of this thread we were specifically talking about teenage sons. Walking away doesn’t mean you get the choice to walk away financially. Now that, is not an option. At some point, when you start earning you’ll need to pay maintenance towards said child.

Now I don’t know what my teenage son would do. I simply stated I would support him with his wishes. Me personally, I’m not going to see that as some sort of shameful parenting on my half. When kids makes babies it’s always messy.

I would think it was odd for a woman to get with a bloke who had kids and didn’t pay for them. But like you said,
plenty of them about.

I did actually. The thread at the time was actually about blokes and their mates.

However I think mothers and partners a) have a bigger impact than their pals and b) are relevant to this thread.

*You think children are pay per view, that PR should be aligned to ££s? And that what is best long term for the child? Wow! 🙄

He would be in a better position to support the child's needs and give them more opportunities in the long term if he had a decent graduate job. Packing in uni to take a min wage job would be a bigger disaster for both of them longer term.*

@NoTouch yeah, just leave 100% of the costs to the mother and her family and you can flounce back and forth when you fancy 👏👏👏

Let the mother have no support so she doesn't get to go to uni and has a min wage job. Oh my fucking days

He is living at home and commuting (free bus travel) to uni - so would be near this imaginary child to help practically. He is also working PT, as I said not enough to significantly support a child but I would expect him to help what he could. But yes, I would hope he would and strongly encourage him to complete uni as it would be the best thing for his and the childs long term futures.

I would much rather they both were not in the position and the pg terminated, but once the child had been born he would be a father and should step up to that and that includes ensuring his legal responsibilities such as being on the BC and having PR in case it is required - GP, hospital, school, access arrangements etc. Don't kid yourself that every teen/young mum will be amicable and fair in these circumstances and do not mix my son up with dead beat fathers when he isn't even a father yet!

Realistically a teenage boy doesn’t have to ‘do’ anything if he doesn’t want to be a father, yet has got someone pregnant. Teenage boys as well as adult man have the option of just walking away, and at most being liable for maintenance. Which is something women have to consider when deciding to continue a pregnancy or not.