Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

I think if you want to make such a rule then yes. A condom or not should 100% matter.

If the man took no measures himself personally to prevent a pregnancy he should not get to terminate his responsibilities.

Nothing will budge me. A man should have the same right to choose as a woman. Not to be a father. That is give up parental rights, as a woman can by either termination or adoption.

The main moral obligation on parents of the father is to ensure the mother and child are housed, if the father can't afford to pay enough child support to allow a decent life for mum and child. It's financial.

What about the child? Do they not have any rights in knowing who their father is?
And would you provide counselling for the man, the same way as women get counselling before abortion or adoption?

Boys do not face the same consequences as girls. They are able to walk away, and even if they decide to be involved in the child's life, their lives are not impacted in the same way. Not by a long chalk.

Boys create ALL teenage pregnancies. This is the plain fact that needs to be spelled out to them. They have to take full responsibility for not impregnating a girl. It seems that this message often doesn't get through.

It's an unpopular opinion but I think I agree.

I feel like it should ultimately be the woman's choice, but if she's 17yo with a boyfriend who doesn't want to be a father then maybe it's not the best idea. This may sound harsh but we hear on here all the time that people shouldn't have another kid unless they can afford it. This is quite similar to me.

This. If they don’t understand basic biology and human rights then they are not old enough to have sex.

I cant get over the poster who said she would encourage her child to abandon her grandchild. What a despicable thing to do to an innocent child who is your own flesh and blood.

That is literally consequence free. Whereas a girl has to go through an abortion or child birth, there’s no opting out for her. Is that fair, or are you only concerned with “fairness” for males?

@Viviennemary - I agree with you, but if a man doesn't want to be a father, he should keep is sperm to himself. The minute he puts it in a female body, even "by accident", he has given away any right to consent.

By that logic, both partners get the same level of choice as to whether to have a child. What if he wants to keep the baby but she does not? Does he get to force the girl to have a baby she doesn’t want? Do you think she should be compelled to go through with the pregnancy because they have ‘equal rights’? Thankfully, the law is on her side. She gets to choose either way. He gets to choose whether he wants involvement but not whether he takes financial responsibility.

@Avarua2

If my teen daughter falls pregnant let’s face it the onus is on us as parents to house her/baby. Not the fathers parents. This is the 21st century. Women can decide not to proceed with a pregnancy and so can men. By walking away. Whether that is right or not, who knows. all I know is I would support my son first and foremost. I would support his decision to do what he felt was best as a 15/16 year old. It’s just a mess all round when it happens, but I would also warn my teen daughter not to just except a happy family dynamic.

Assuming it was accidental and not in a LTR. I would counsel ds to be supportive but also to make his position and thoughts crystal clear and not to say what he thinks she wants to hear as it is important she makes her decision fully informed. That would likely include her being fully informed he would not be able to financially support in any significant way until he had completed his degree (I would encourage him to complete his degree for his and his dcs long term futures, he is very logical and likely to agree with that thought process for uni).

I would hope, for both their sakes she chose to terminate, but if she decided to go ahead with the pg, I would advise him to not sweat the small stuff (babies first / surname) but make sure he is on the birth certificate so he has PR, if she registers without him to go to court to get it added. To ask for realistic contact from the beginning and if they can't agree to it amicably to again go through court. I would help fund and support him through the court processes if it was required.

Then I would expect him to step up and be involved in his child's life.

@OldLadyChinaCup

Of course it’s always her decision. As it should be. The law? Piss poor I’m afraid. Many of my single mother friends gave up trying even going through the official channels. Plus, the payments are at times next to nothing.

As I’ve said before, where does that leave the teenage girls who want to have sex? Should they ignore the teen lads that they like, and go and find older men who might be mature enough to understand the risks? There’s a real tone on this thread that it’s the nasty mean boys wanting to get their wicked way with vulnerable sweet girls, then abandoning them after they’ve cruelly impregnated them. It’s just not true. What will the girls do if they boys all say they’re not ready to accept the risks?

Really? I think that the courts might think he has legal requirements, child support at the very least!

You double up: the boy brings condoms, the girl goes on the pill. And they discuss in advance what they would do if both methods, for some incredible reason, were to fail at the same time. If they don't agree, they split up. Having a baby is a huge commitment, one that should be discussed before having sex if either party felt strongly one way or another.

I had a termination as a teenager - I was stupid and left contraception to my then boyfriend. I was very quick to book the termination and take control of contraception from that point on.

You'd want his name in the BC but wouldn't support the child financially? Wow! Want your cake and eat it much?

No I have already said a girl cannot be forced to have an abortion she doesnt want or to keep a baby she doesn't want. A boy should also have the right not to be a father by officially giving up all parental rights.

Both parents are equally responsible. Both had a choice in whether there was a baby, it's just that the boys choice came much earlier in the process. Our sons need to understand that everytime they have sex a baby could be the outcome and if it is, they will carry a financial burden for the next 18 years. The specifics of this would vary case by case and ideally if the parents were still financially dependent on their own parents, would involve them too. If the only way the baby could be supported was for its father to get a job, then that's unfortunate, but so be it.

I think the more appropriate response to your son abandoning your grandchild is to cut him off financially and spend the money you would have allocated to him on your grandchild.

sometimes loving your child means forcing them to take responsibility for their mistakes.

But no 15/16yr old is going to choose to give up being a teenager and having that fun and freedom. You, as the adult, need to support him by explaining that he has to give all that up in the short term and support his child and its mother. As a parent it’s important that you talk to your son explaining all this before they start having sex. My sons are in no doubt that I’d expect them to man up and be there for their child and it’s mother. I’d support them to continue with their education but they’d need to choose a university close to home etc. Saying you’ll support your son in an immoral choice is not the right thing to do. Instead you need to support him to make the decent choice and step up whether he wants to or not (nobody really wants to)

what a gross thread.

We have still got such a way to go in society.

And lets not pretend that most teen pregnancies happen because of contraception failure - every single one I know of (including my own, i had a termination) occurred because contraception wasn't used or wasn't used properly.

I will be making it crystal clear to my own son that I would be extremely disappointed if he made a baby and abandoned it. Honestly, we need to do better. No wonder women are still treated as second class citizens.

Yeah, I actually think I agree with this.

A man or a boy can choose whether he wants to be involved or not. The woman or girl can choose whether she wants to proceed with the pregnancy with or without the child’s father involved (as the case may be).

But I would take a very dim view of my sons saying they wanted to be involved then quitting when they discover babies/children are hard work (as so many fathers do).

Boys are not victims to teenage pregnancy. I despise how women (mothers usually) fall over themselves to absolve their sons of any responsibility for anything.

I had my son at 16 with my (now ex) boyfriend of the same age. It didn't ruin our lives, we went to uni and got good jobs and married other people.

DS is now 18, what an absolute disappointment it would have been for his father to skip out on his life 18 years ago. Of course he didn't do this and our son is a fantastic young man that we take great pride in.

DS knows the hardships we faced by having a baby so young and so hopefully will be careful to not let this happen. If it did though, I would expect him to be a good father and absolutely up as a grandparent myself.

I feel quite conflicted about this. I have a son and a daughter. I hope that both DC are ambitious and aim for higher education and we never end up in this situation.

But if DS got a girl pregnant despite using condoms, and didn’t want the baby, I don’t know that I’d force him to. I support a woman’s right to choose what she does with her own body. There would be no attempts to persuade her to have an abortion, her decision would be made by her and her alone. I would make sure DS contributed financially, and would take on the burden of this myself so that he could continue his education. But I don’t know if I’d force him to see a baby he didn’t want to have in the first place.

I do understand the argument that he shouldn’t be having sex at all if he didn’t want to run the risk of creating a baby. I do. It just feels really conflicted in my head.

I grew up in a deprived area with lots of teen pregnancies. I remember a girl getting pregnant and the “gossip” was that the mum of the teen lad had told her she’d give her money monthly for the baby, but that her son didn’t want involving. That she had to think of him as “just a sperm donor” since she’d chosen to go ahead with the pregnancy. General consensus was that this was an awful thing to say. But I just remember thinking to myself “fair enough”.

Reading this thread makes me see I’m in the minority for thinking that. But I do.

If DD got pregnant and her boyfriend didn’t want to be involved, I genuinely would understand that. Fair enough if DD wanted to continue the pregnancy. But she’d be making that decision for herself, not the both of them.