Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

I'd wonder where I went wrong if my son walked away from his responsibility.

He'll be reminded many times that he wouldn't get the final say if he got a girl pregnant and would have to live with the consequences either way.

I would support him to finish his education but he would also need a part time job to take some financial responsibility for the baby.

If he refused, I'd be disgusted, apologise to the girl and her family for his behaviour and offer to support her and the baby financially if it was something they wanted. I'd also hope to be involved in the baby's life, with or without my son.

Nobody can force him or at man. Encouraging your son to actually abandon his child is hideous.

Not a double standard at all. As a mother of sons I have explained all this to them. His time for choosing comes before they have sex. If they have a mishap then try to access emergency contraception. However, if the girl becomes pregnant it’s entirely her choice and he needs to suck it up. Whether together or not, he remains a father to that child and it’s his responsibility to be as good a dad as possible-and part of being a good dad is showing his child that he treats the mother with respect.

This happened in my family. My brother went to local university, lived at home and worked part time to support his child.

It wasn't easy, but it wasn't the end of the world either. DN is now 20s. I'm a bit shocked at how easily some posters abandon their family and encourage their young sons to do so. Irresponsible parents create Irresponsible children.

When someone talks about a male getting simeine pregnant it annoys me as contraception in my opinion is thd responsibility of both parties

Why does the time of choosing not apply to girls as well. No a boy should have the same rights to not be a father if he doesn't want to be. The right to choose.

Again, he already does, he can walk away. No one will force him to have morals.

A man can NEVER be a decent father if he doesn’t show respect for the child’s mother.
And no, biology and (thankfully in the UK) the law, dictates that only the girl will have the final say. Suck it up Buttercup! I would have failed as a parent if either of my sons thought they could walk away.

How would that work practically?
Would you want to make it legal for a man to be able to force a woman to have an abortion?

And does this “fairness” apply both ways? So if a girl is traumatised by an abortion for example, that she had on his demand, does he have to pay 50% of her therapy costs? If a woman is injured in childbirth, does the father owe compensation? Or is fairness over nature, only in the man’s favour.

It’s her body, her choice. He can, of course, walk away. Nobody can force him to be a decent human being. But if he was my son such a choice would really make me consider my relationship with my son as I’d be so appalled at his behaviour.

What he should never be allowed to do, and this happens far too often, is walk away then want to be part of the 8 or 10yr old’s life having abdicated his duties in favour of going out with his mates. He shouldn’t get to swan in when all the hard stuff is over and get to play Daddy.

If this is a serious response it’s no wonder some boys grow up to be irresponsible men.

Of course he wouldnt force the girl to have an abortion. He would just give up parental rights the same as with giving a child up for adoption. And he wouldn't get to swan back in. It would be the same as adoption.

What would your age limit be?

Is this just a special “he’s too young” thing for teens or do you think all age males should be able to pretend they didn’t actually understand the potential consequences of sex and abdicate their responsibility?

Do you think he would have to prove he wore a condom, or are you suggesting that all men should be free to have unprotected sex and then walk away consequence free?

So this was me and my now DH. Our eldest was born in the middle of our first year at uni. We lived away from family but managed and would usually go home for the summer/Christmas. Both worked part time, I did weekends and he did evenings. At the time Student finance covered 85% of childcare costs, no council tax as we were both students so only rent and the usual bills to pay. We both went on to complete a Masters, then after some time have another child.

I’m a huge believer that a man had his chance to be safe from fatherhood before sex took place. So basically, abstinence. Once sex has happened, with the best will in the world (condoms/the pill etc) accidents happen. With that in mind, if a young boy doesn’t want to be a father then he mustn’t go shagging around until he’s in a serious, long term relationship. Preferably married. Before then, just enjoy being a kid and get friendly with his right hand 😉

That’s what the mum’s got to do. You know, that woman who has just squeezed your son’s kid out of her vagina.

He does have a choice though...don't have fucking sex if you don't want to be a father. His choice is pre conception, the minute he has sex he's already decided to become a potential father. It's that bloody simple.

My brother had a baby at 17. He was already working and has now worked his way up and pays for his child more than the mother, they aren’t together but co parent and have a lovely looked after child. Our family stepped in big time and offered all support possible without over stepping boundaries.

That said, he was not academic and I think if a young lad is in education and has a good path laid out they shouldn’t quit as their education could pay off for supporting the child in the long run but they should still be present and emotionally there for the child.

But this isn't realistic. You can't say that people who don't want kids shouldn't ever have sex.

Some people don't want to have kids ever so waiting for a 'stable relationship' still isn't the solution. I think as women this is a bit of a blind spot for us as we'll never be forced to become a parent against our will. I reckon if I was a boy I'd probs not want my whole future hanging on whether I ever use a defective condom.

It wouldn't be consequence free. They would give up any parental rights. I don't think wearing a condom or not even comes into it. Reading some of the threads on here any kind of comtraception is totally unreliable.

It’s women like you who encourage feckless fathers and mean that children don’t get the maintenance they deserve.

@OhSnakesandBastards

It's not 'harsh', it's disgusting.

And your friendship group sounds an absolute delight.

@QueenBeaver

Absolutely, I mean she did have the option of abortion. Emotive language like “squeezing out vagina” isn’t really going to work here. Okay abortion may not be acceptable too in which case she will essentially be left holding the baby whilst my son would be continuing his education.

Goes without saying I’ve warned my teen daughter of the likely reality here if she does decide to keep a baby at the age of say 15.