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Original poster

Boys and teen pregnancies

448 replies

KittyAlfred · 06/04/2023 14:04

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 06/04/2023 19:20

There was an excellent thread a while ago about the dilemma of son going to uni while he had got a girl pregnant

Tessabelle74 · 06/04/2023 19:20

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 19:08

@Tessabelle74

But not all decent people have magic money trees? What a strange assumption, very mumsnet. I can support my son and I can support my daughter. I can support my daughters baby as they would live here (if that happened). I haven’t suddenly got extra occupancy for my son’s girlfriend and baby? You’re not being realistic here. Being a grandparents is amazing and a privilege but don’t overestimate how responsible you actually are. No, no that’s parental responsibility.

Where did I say you'd house the father? I said you should be expecting him to support your daughter and THEIR child! Your responsibility as the parent to your daughter and to your grandchild would be to ensure the father steps up, not financially support him too!

Hankunamatata · 06/04/2023 19:22

If my dc got a girl pregnant I'd expect both of them to continue with their education. I'd happily pay for childcare and help out where I could so they could both stay in education/training.

BonAppTheTeet · 06/04/2023 19:29

If my teen daughter fell pregnant she would be at home raising it as both me and her father work full time.

No she wouldn't. Thankfully there's childcare funding for young parents in education. If she's at work, there's things in place too.

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 19:29

@Tessabelle74

So if my daughter falls pregnant as a 15 year old please tell me how I ensure this father steps up? I’m presuming he will not have an income. His parents might contribute. They might not. Usually they don’t if funds are an issue.

Has anyone here actually seen the realities of teen parenting? Had friends who waltzed around the playground with huge bellies?. My friend was 14 when she had a baby and it was very much planned, the whole thing on reflection was bloody shocking. Lots of grandparents actually got caught up in the fire fighting. Thousands spent on court fees (depending on the families). I’ve literally seen every dynamic and it was all ugly, so I don’t apologise for taking a step back.

A lot of these views are idealistic and many middle class teen girls simply don’t get pregnant between the ages of 14-18. If they do, they’re more likely to have a termination which is usually encouraged by both parties.

With all the will in the world you can get your teen son to support financially when the time comes but I wouldn’t expect them to be daddy of the year even with their mothers telling them to step up!

BonAppTheTeet · 06/04/2023 19:30

BonAppTheTeet · 06/04/2023 19:29

If my teen daughter fell pregnant she would be at home raising it as both me and her father work full time.

No she wouldn't. Thankfully there's childcare funding for young parents in education. If she's at work, there's things in place too.

You can also get universal credit as a young student parent whereas normal students can't.

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 19:32

@BonAppTheTeet

I have never heard of that to be honest. I mean that is a good thing but it’s not something that my teen mum mates did many moons ago. They struggled on.

itsabigtree · 06/04/2023 19:37

@StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar

but on the other hand it's near impossible for a woman to become a parent against their will.

This is wildly inaccurate!!!!

NIparty · 06/04/2023 19:39

Nottodayplease36 · 06/04/2023 16:17

There are such double standards here, so say that the girl is on the pill and the boy uses a condom. Both being responsible. Both fail and the girl gets pregnant. The girl then has options,

A) if the condom rips/comes off she can go and get the morning after pill to be super safe
B) if she becomes pregnant she can easily and safety get an abortion.
C) she could go through with the pregnancy and have the baby adopted.

Meanwhile, the poor boy is just meant to go along with whatever she decides, and whatever she decides will have a huge (possibly ruin) his whole life. If the boy tells her he will be involved and then isn’t, then that is wrong and I would expect him to step up but if from the very beginning he tells her that he won’t be then it isn’t fair to expect him to live by someone else’s choices.

That is a risk that everyone takes when they have sex though. Having an abortion can be a traumatic, soul destroying thing to do that many people struggle to live with and could possibly ruin their life - you cannot force anyone to go through with an abortion. It's barbaric. If anyone 100% does not want to have kids, then they abstain. You cannot force someone to have an abortion. You cannot tell someone to abort or I'm walking away. Just no.

If a boy decided he wanted the baby, but the girl didn't, would it be OK for force her to keep the baby full term? No.

NIparty · 06/04/2023 19:43

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 16:44

@candieland
No amount if pressure takes you by the ha nah d and walks you into an abortion clinic. Ultimately that decision is always in the hands of the female. Parents can threaten to abandon you, the father can threaten to end the relationship, the father's parents can blame you and indicate that they will not provide assistance and support , these are always a part of the risk calculus involved when you decide to have sex protected or otherwise.

Teens may not always think about this in the moment, but on some level they know that they alone are not prepared to have and support a child. Blaming pressure is just another way of refusing to accept the ultimate responsibility for your own actions and decisions.

I threw up in my mouth reading this. Vile. Damned if she does, damned if she doesn't, surrounded by bullies frothing at the mouth.

NIparty · 06/04/2023 19:45

Viviennemary · 06/04/2023 17:13

Why does the time of choosing not apply to girls as well. No a boy should have the same rights to not be a father if he doesn't want to be. The right to choose.

If he chooses that he wants to be a father then does he force her to keep the baby? How does that work?

U2HasTheEdge · 06/04/2023 19:52

I was/ am in this situation. They all moved in with me in the end (for now). I'm not saying it is easy or ideal, but it was the best thing to do in the circumstances they were in. I work full time, have other children etc, so as I said, it has not been easy at times.

I have a strong bond with my grandchild and his mum. They have had the support to get themselves into a better position. My son walking away was not something he considered, and not something I would have encouraged.

anna2101 · 06/04/2023 19:53

To the arguments of 'boys should have a choice too' - well sure in an ideal world sure - but biologically I'm not really sure how that would work. It's just how it is. If the child is born - it's there, it's his, and it's not the child's fault it exists. You can also go claiming that it's oh so not fair that woman is the one that has to carry the child and deal with the physical consequences it can have on her body. So all in all there is a balance of fairness - boy doesn't get to choose but also boy doesn't get the physical toll of it all and frankly in no way would it ever impact his life as much as the girl's.

NIparty · 06/04/2023 19:55

KittyAlfred · 06/04/2023 17:50

As I’ve said before, where does that leave the teenage girls who want to have sex? Should they ignore the teen lads that they like, and go and find older men who might be mature enough to understand the risks? There’s a real tone on this thread that it’s the nasty mean boys wanting to get their wicked way with vulnerable sweet girls, then abandoning them after they’ve cruelly impregnated them. It’s just not true. What will the girls do if they boys all say they’re not ready to accept the risks?

Show quote history

That leaves teen girls exactly where they are... facing the consequence of having to choose between having an abortion or having a baby. Same rule stands, if they don't like the sound of that choice then abstinence it is.

I have a son and a daughter, and they'll both be taught the same thing.

Tessabelle74 · 06/04/2023 20:05

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 19:29

@Tessabelle74

So if my daughter falls pregnant as a 15 year old please tell me how I ensure this father steps up? I’m presuming he will not have an income. His parents might contribute. They might not. Usually they don’t if funds are an issue.

Has anyone here actually seen the realities of teen parenting? Had friends who waltzed around the playground with huge bellies?. My friend was 14 when she had a baby and it was very much planned, the whole thing on reflection was bloody shocking. Lots of grandparents actually got caught up in the fire fighting. Thousands spent on court fees (depending on the families). I’ve literally seen every dynamic and it was all ugly, so I don’t apologise for taking a step back.

A lot of these views are idealistic and many middle class teen girls simply don’t get pregnant between the ages of 14-18. If they do, they’re more likely to have a termination which is usually encouraged by both parties.

With all the will in the world you can get your teen son to support financially when the time comes but I wouldn’t expect them to be daddy of the year even with their mothers telling them to step up!

Then I'm sorry, but I hope you're son never finds himself in this predicament, because your poor parenting ideas means your grandchild would be the one to suffer! Raise your son to DO THE RIGHT THING and take responsibility for his actions. Jesus, no wonder so many kids grow up with struggling single mums if mothers are so ready to excuse feckless sons like this. If MY son ever got a girl pregnant and tried to use the I'm 15 and skint/ I'm at uni and my course is more important I'd cut off his support and send it to the baby's mother immediately!

Hardbackwriter · 06/04/2023 20:07

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 18:55

@Hardbackwriter

You can think it all you like, doesn’t mean it’s a reality. It was easier to be a teen mum years ago with the tax credit system. Universal credit isn’t quite so generous. If my teen daughter fell pregnant she would be at home raising it as both me and her father work full time.

She'd be probably be objectively better off as a student than unemployed - she'd gain access to more funding and grants centrally, there might also be internal support at her university or college - and also improving her long-term prospects. Again, I find it worrying that people think it's impossible to be a student parent; of course it has challenges but it isn't some mad unprecedented thing and there is quite a lot of support available.

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 20:08

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Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 20:09

@Hardbackwriter

I am sorry but whilst there may be support for those in education it is in no way aspirational for a 14-18 year old girl to get pregnant. Therefore I do think it’s madness.

Spendonsend · 06/04/2023 20:16

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 19:07

@Spendonsend

What about two 15 year olds? You’re presuming both parties are at university age. You need A-levels before Uni. I have no idea about these schemes at Uni either for teen mums. All the teen mums I knew struggled and only one went to Uni whilst her own mum completely gave up her job.

The OP was about a 17 year old, so I was assuming the cusp of university. It isnt easy, but my sister was well supported through her degree.

15 year olds shouldnt have sex. Its below the age of consent. I know some do, but the OP wasnt about that.

OldLadyChinaCup · 06/04/2023 20:33

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 19:11

@OldLadyChinaCup

You can tell them you’re disappointed all you like. It still does not mean they’ll be a good parent at that age. Or involved. Be careful you don’t end up with a sense of shame when one of your adult children at some point no doubt disappoints you. People do have their own agency in life irrespective of how they were parented. That’s usually just another stick to beat women with.

Of course as adults they have their own agency. Very few choices they make will disappoint me. In fact, my disappointment is likely limited to,
(a) mistreatment of their partners or children.
(b) choosing to steal or swindle.
(c) holding bigoted or intolerant views.

Even if any of the above applies, they will still be my children, I just won’t shy away from calling them out on any of the above and I certainly won’t support them regardless.

BonAppTheTeet · 06/04/2023 20:37

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 20:09

@Hardbackwriter

I am sorry but whilst there may be support for those in education it is in no way aspirational for a 14-18 year old girl to get pregnant. Therefore I do think it’s madness.

And the solution is leave the mother to deal with it all alone? Shame her into termination? Let the child be fatherless to get back at the mother for continuing?

Make sure she can never go to university or enjoy life to make her an example to others, yeah that'll show em.

Helping a teen girl make a good life for her and her child would only make others deliberately get pregnant too and think it's glam.

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 20:46

@BonAppTheTeet

what are you even talking about? I think you’ll find they’re all your own words.

Snugglemonkey · 06/04/2023 20:57

KittyAlfred · 06/04/2023 14:34

It would need to be a pretty easy degree to faciliate working enough paid hours to support themselves and a child as well .

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They would not really be supporting the child, more if a token payment I imagine. It would still be better than not getting an education in the long run.

Cuckoosheep · 06/04/2023 21:01

My niece deliberately became pregnant to a boy she had only been seeing for a few weeks. She had her implant removed and had decided that she wanted to be a mum. She had a very difficult childhood and moved into her own flat at 16 (with council support), she has very few qualifications and obvious mh needs. We live in a very poor town and there is a high rate of teen pregnancy.

I have two sons (one with complex needs so highly unlikely to ever be a father). My eldest has been made fully aware that if he does have sex he must always use contraception for this reason.

If he did ever get a girl pregnant (not deliberately) I would help the mother if she kept it but I would fully encourage my son to live his life to the fullest inc University, travel and other relationships.

Snugglemonkey · 06/04/2023 21:03

nurseynursery · 06/04/2023 15:09

So just the babies mother would have to do this? Attitudes like this are a good reason for the boys parents being given no rights!

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She could choose to terminate though. I think part of that decision should be considering that a student will be unable to provide much in the way of maintenance.

I would provide for a grandchild, but many people do not see it as their responsibility as they are not the parents. Or do not have the resources to pay. This is unfair for a mother and child who receive nothing, but the whole situation is unfair.

I would encourage my daughter to terminate because it would be highly likely, at least in the short term that she would be carrying the burden.

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