Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

Thats what it boils down to. Male must have final say.

Nope. Males do not have the final say about what happens to the body of the woman they've impregnated, or the baby they have 50% responsibility for creating.

So many people here with zero morals.

Really stretching your scenario.

In mine, with my son (because that is what was being asked) I am assuming for this theoretical discussion it was full enthausastic consent, contraception was used but failed, and she has access to consulling and a termination (the same as my niece had at 15) if she chooses those options.

This!!

I do think the taxpayer should provide support to families where both parents are in full-time education - who doesn't?!

@Hardbackwriter

You can think it all you like, doesn’t mean it’s a reality. It was easier to be a teen mum years ago with the tax credit system. Universal credit isn’t quite so generous. If my teen daughter fell pregnant she would be at home raising it as both me and her father work full time.

No, the female gets final say for herself, same as the boy gets final say for himself. What neither get to do is make a choice for the other. That does mean though that if a girl decides to continue a pregnancy then the consequences are going to be far greater for her. Which is why the situation as it is needs to be considered, rather than the situation as you would prefer it to be.

Personally I don’t think anyone should be obliged to raise a child they don’t want. Be financially liable, yes (if the child isn’t adopted), but ultimately you can’t force someone to be an active or good parent.

Women do have more options in that we can choose not to bring an unwanted child into the world in the first place. If an unwanted child is born then adoption requires agreement from both parents, a man can’t unilaterally give up a child a woman wants to keep, and if a woman has chosen to have a child she’s most likely intending to raise it.

I’ve been on MN close to 20yrs. It’s not often that I read a thread these days that shocks me.

However, reading this today and seeing mothers genuinely post that they’d encourage their sons to ‘run for the hills’ or ‘leave no forwarding address’ or WORSE, support them in having no involvement either practically, emotionally or financially has left me stunned. Absolutely stunned! It’s your sons who grow into selfish, entitled men who feel empowered to treat people like dirt and walk away from their responsibilities. Behind every thread on here from women complaining about their selfish twat of a partner is that partner’s mother who has tolerated, indulged and enabled him all his life.

Agree.

I wouldn't expect my son to abandon his child if the pregnancy continued but at the same time the mother and child would get the support commensurate with his abilities as a teenage boy. Proper financial support would come when he was able, so several years down the line.

Keep it it in his pants since he's 17 and at school, failing that - equal responsibility and full support for the mother and grandchild.

But your grandchild IS! The father should take responsibility, he had sex too

This is entirely sensible. It’s not about contributing a certain amount. It’s about accepting responsibility and doing what you can for the child.

@OldLadyChinaCup

Why would you presume it’s only mothers who apparently raise these men you speak of? Why haven’t you mentioned fathers? 🤔

For what it’s worth I can’t actually say what my son would do if faced with this. All I said was I would support him in his decision as a young teenager. I would do that for all my kids, my daughter included. They are my priority first and foremost.

@Tessabelle74

No actually, grandchildren don’t automatically become your responsibility.

I said he would not be able to financially support in a significant way. A % of a PT min wage salary wont even touch raising a child. But both young parents throwing away their future careers at this stage would be madness and unnecessary.

I would pay for court costs of it came to it as I would see his name purposely not being in the birth certificate as a sign things could become difficult and it would be important to be done for the right reasons - to secure his future relationship, and responsibility, with his child as early in its life as possible.

Really? I'm sorry- your not a good parent.

I dont understand this. There are family rooms in halls, 80% of child care is paid and there is a parental living allowances on top of the other student loans. Im not saying its easy but there are systems in place to support people finish their education.

If, as the father should, he is taking 50% responsibility, they can split the 20% remaining childcare cost between them and share care around that.

The only caveat being the mother needs a period of maternity leave to recover from birth.

For decent human beings they do

@Spendonsend

What about two 15 year olds? You’re presuming both parties are at university age. You need A-levels before Uni. I have no idea about these schemes at Uni either for teen mums. All the teen mums I knew struggled and only one went to Uni whilst her own mum completely gave up her job.

I mentioned mothers because it’s (mainly) mothers posting these things here. Of course fathers are equally responsible for bringing up that son.

And my children are of course my priority too. That doesn’t mean I’d support any of them in making an immoral decision. If they find themselves unexpectedly becoming a young parent then they have a responsibility to support that child. If either of my sons chose to walk away then I’d take that as a sign I’d failed as a parent. I’d be hugely disappointed in them especially if they’d made that decision so they could continue to live the carefree life whilst the girl singlehandedly looked after their child.
Support and love sometimes means telling your young person that their decision is unacceptable.

@Tessabelle74

But not all decent people have magic money trees? What a strange assumption, very mumsnet. I can support my son and I can support my daughter. I can support my daughters baby as they would live here (if that happened). I haven’t suddenly got extra occupancy for my son’s girlfriend and baby? You’re not being realistic here. Being a grandparents is amazing and a privilege but don’t overestimate how responsible you actually are. No, no that’s parental responsibility.

Wow. You are going to raise a terrible adult man if that's your thinking.

@OldLadyChinaCup

You can tell them you’re disappointed all you like. It still does not mean they’ll be a good parent at that age. Or involved. Be careful you don’t end up with a sense of shame when one of your adult children at some point no doubt disappoints you. People do have their own agency in life irrespective of how they were parented. That’s usually just another stick to beat women with.

I am disgusted at the amount of posters here that think women and children are so unimportant and disposable. These are values that you are teaching your children.🤯