Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

[Ralphiesaurus]

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

I think you need to revisit this and get a different solicitor. That's awful, I'm so sorry you are living like this. And obviously, don't send him anything! I say this from bitter experience.

Hi OP, why do you have to support him forever if he can’t work?

See a different solicitor & don't send any more pictures.
He sounds utterly selfish.

Whether you leave him or not (and I definitely think that you should) you need to start setting boundarys and tell him that no, you won't be sending nude photos or sexting ever again.

Absolutely do not send or take any pictures you are not 100% happy to do. Also feel free to try and get any that have already been sent to be deleted. He’s an arse for pressuring you.

Yes also see another solicitor.

You need to get more legal advice and look at every possible angle for getting rid of him without ongoing spousal maintenance.

And don't send him anything or do anything you don't want to. I doubt he's going to leave and divorce you if you don't. He's too comfortable. Even with spousal maintenance, I'm guessing he wouldn't be anywhere near as comfortable on his own.

had to give up work years ago because of a disability

Surely he's entitled to benefits, is that not factored in re spousal maintenance.

You'd have to be earning a fortune to be paying spousal maintenance - it's very unusual to see spousal maintenance paid these days unless you're a very very high earner and even then it's unlikely to be for life. I'd be visiting a new solicitor for advice tbh. But even if you did have to pay sone maintenance, is that not a price worth paying? This is no way to live.

I don’t think that’s true about you supporting him forever-maintenance for spouses is not really a thing anymore

This is your one life.
It's not the same but I'm left paying thousands in debt that's not mine, it's my exes. I used to be so stressed about it but you know what if the price is freedom it's cheap.
He was an abusive prick, as Is yours. Try a new solicitor
Get rid and live again

It definitely is a thing, MIL was granted a financial order which includes spousal maintenance at the beginning of this year. However, it's only likely to be explored as a last option. Do you own property/other assets jointly?

So if you leave you’ll be financially obligated to him. But if you don’t leave you’ll still be financially obligated to him and have to send him sexy photos against your will. It really does seem like leaving would be the better option. Even if you have to give him money, consider it your future happiness tax?

I'd be worried about what he's doing/done with the photos. Is he sharing them online?

Also do see another solicitor or see if the Rights of Women website has some sensible info on the legalities of the financial side.

You need a much better solicitor.

See a new solicitor. PM me for a recommendation (I am not a lawyer, but my divorce lawyer was excellent and I stupidly ignored some of her advice, wish I’d taken it now).
Start to document when he asks for things and his reactions when you say no, and keep saying no.

Echoing what others have said about seeing another solicitor.
Also keep your resolve to not send him pictures because you and I know that of you do manage to leave him, these photos will be shared far and wide

What the fuck have I just read!!?

Whatever happens do NOT send him any more nude pics, you can’t even trust what he’s doing with them?

If you get the opportunity I would get his phone and have a look and make sure he isn’t sending them anywhere online and also delete anything he has stored.

Then LEAVE THE FUCKING BASTARD

Explore this maintenance thing again and even if you did have to do that, surely it would be less than you are contributing to the joint household now???

He is a nasty little man and does not deserve a second more of your precious life.

You could potentially have a police case for coercive control if you have evidence.

What..!! Why would you do something you don't like doing?

I’d go to another solicitor. See if you can offer him a generous package for a clean break to get him to fuck off. I really don’t think these are common and wouldn’t he have to demonstrate that he’s been contributing to family life in some way wouldn’t he? I’m not a lawyer though so no idea. But definitely get a new solicitor. Are you very wealthy and thats why your lawyer thinks you will have to cough up?

Nobody has to pay for life! Even when Jerry Hall got a divorce from Rupert Murdoch she got a lump sum. I wonder whether that's what you were most frightened of and that's what you thought you'd heard the solicitor say?

Go back to another solicitor. If possible, take a friend with you. This really isn't going to be the advice that you're going to be given, but you have to pay him forever.

I mean, cmon now, that’s as eugh as it gets. I have no words. 🤮

I'm not a lawyer but surely you wouldn't be legally obligated to support him forever? At worst, you'd be obligated to support his household IF he had custody of the children but only whilst the kids were dependants.

Not to add negativity to the situation, but before you action anything you may want to try and delete any photos he has of you stored on his personal devices.
He sounds like the type to use those against you if things don't go his way