Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

[Ralphiesaurus]

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

Go and see another solicitor he sounds Revolting

You are Not obliged to support him that is what PIP is for If he's disabled and can't work this was poor advice.

You need to leave him this is not normal behaviour

You’re already supporting him if he’s living in a house you are financing because he can’t work, surely even if you did have to pay spousal maintenance it would be better than what you’re doing now? A small financial burden would surely be better than the emotional burden of being pestered and coerced into sexual activity (whether physical or virtual) you don’t want?

As has been said, try and delete any that he may already have, though if he does use them against you, then the revenge porn laws are pretty robust now.

I've come across this "maintenance for the partner" lark myself and I avoided it thankfully but I had to pay out a lot by other means. I think next lifetime I would quit my job and go on the dole and then divorce him and watch him try and get maintenance.... then I'd get another job when everything was signed and sealed.

Just remember: if your relationship further deteriorates, those pictures will end up on the internet.
NEVER, EVER send anyone nude pictures of yourself.

Honestly OP, you know this is disgusting.

Yes, you may have to pay some spousal maintenance if your income is such that you can easily house and provide for yourself and the DC and have loads left over, also depending on the severity of his disabilities.

But wouldn’t that be preferable to living like this? What’s the price of your self esteem?

OMG def no more pictures, how can you be sure he won’t be posting them on the internet or possibly even selling them? And make sure this is brought up in your divorce somehow so he’s told anything he already has needs deleting. Or better still sneak his phone and delete them.

definitely see another solicitor and get rid. Run OP! 💐💐💐

Don’t do this! You can end up in a whole lot of bother. Be the squeaky clean one! Tit for tat is not the right way to go.

Given he is a dependant you'll have to contribute to lifelong care and these costs will only go up !

Can you start to live as if separated? Have your own room at least? Take intimacy off the table completely and start treating him just as a co-parent.

Good for you for being sober and for starting to stand up to him. He sounds absolutely vile.

You should definitely leave him.

I do wish posters would not say that you definitely won’t be expected to support him and that spousal maintenance is not a thing any longer. The truth is you might be expected to support him (partially at least) and spousal maintenance most definitely can still be a thing (the Court has an obligation to strive for a clean break where that is achievable, but is not compelled to do so if there are insufficient assets to effect that).

But the important thing is your long term happiness and sense of worth. I do endorse seeing a new solicitor; someone who will fight hard to minimise what maintenance might have to be paid and look creatively at possibly buying off his claim for maintenance through giving him more than half the assets now (which might be more palatable as at least you are free to start again).

Please do not stay shackled to this abusive man.

Firstly, thank you all so much for your replies. Some clarity and outside perspective like this is refreshing although a bit shocking how much you all agree this isn't right. I've def made a change today, asserted a boundary, and I see that's why he has reacted the way he has.

I will get legal advice but I do expect it will be long term maintenance. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime I think this is clearly about remaining consistent with this boundary and being clear I am serious about never sending pics or sexts again.

It absolutely hadn't occurred to me that he would share the pics. I have said before - he used to have a folder of them on his phone, and videos 😥 - that I hated him having them and he promised to delete them all...

He went all plaintive this morning about the amount of chores he'd been doing while I was away and asking for the pic was just he wanted something small for himself. Excuse me if I'm not very sympathetic. In any case although I got a nice few days away with DD we were in self catering accom so had to cook and clean up after ourselves etc so it wasn't exactly a complete skive!

He has MS and is on benefits and a small professional pension after retiring in 2011 (I think it was 2011 - our youngest was about 3). I have been sympathetic and tried to look after him as best I can but as a PP said I am sure he does use his disability against me at times.

Anyway... boundaries boundaries. And I'll see about living arrangements etc when I have better legal advice.

It does make a huge difference that our children are older...

I'm sorry you're in the situation, OP.

Does your husband receive PIP?

No he gets ESA and DLA and a small pension

So presumably he is at home all day doing nothing except w***g over your pictures?

Courts these days much prefer a “clean break” option so even if you have to pay him a lump sum now, how much better it would be to be free!

Do you have records of his messages? That’s abusive and I’m sure comes under coercive control. Being disabled doesn’t mean he can be an abusive bastard.

Apologies if this has already been said, I’ve only read your replies.

Take care.

I hope I never have to see a solicitor like the one the OP went to.

Selfies regardless of what you are wearing (or not) should always be consensual.

Unusual to get ESA if your working full time as its joint income variable.

If it’s contribution-based ESA then it’s not joint and her income won’t matter.

@CombatBarbie contribution based esa isn’t.

I hate this 'I've done a few chores in the house I live in, poor me, send me a pic that I know you don't want to send because that gives me as much of a thrill as the pic itself does'.

He just wanted something small for himself. Fk off and go and buy a chocolate bar the same as everyone else.

Good for you going for legal advice. Majority of mners mean well, but some are arseholes and others have no idea what they are talking about.
Hope it all works in your favour.

It’s odd op. I just don’t bet the impression you’ve any real impetus to get yourself out of this situation. You’re not even insistent on checking he’s deleted the photos or explicit content of yourself yoire providing.

if the bloke wanted to see a naked pic of you he’d just have to look at his phone. We all know this. He only wanted you to do it to demean you. To punish you for being away and nim doing chores. Just another pic of you debasing yourself for him.

Yes! Jesus H! Thank you. 👏 What happened to the simple pleasures in life… like when a Double Decker was enough?!
I’m still reeling from a first post-divorce date (well technically, the decree absolute hasn’t come through yet but it’s been close to 2 years) where my date asked for nude selfies (over a hot chocolate with marshmallows. Nice. What happened to talking about our favorite bands?). I’m 51 and just… no. Never again. It’s me and the cats 4 Lyf!
Consider a life with kids… and cats, OP!

Totally considering that. On long train journey have looked into some local solicitors, current value of our property (to share the equity) and how much of a mortgage I would need for a 2 bed flat in my area (if my 14 yo wants to live with me). Am assuming DH would want to keep the dog and I would keep the cats so you're not far off. Would aim to give him enough equity to stop longer term demands as per a PP on thread (but obvs subject to robust legal advice).

Laying plans for after A level season though. Don't want to disrupt DD1 right now. But I am not complacent.

Had another message - seemingly blissfully unaware - asking me if I wanted him to get any garlic bread from the shop to go with dinner and if so to send him a "reward". He. Does. Not. Get. It.